Saturday Night...

While at Cheers I went to the bathroom and my old neighbor was there. She feels so bad and the whole neighborhood is talking and knows I left.

Yet the best news of all was this, "Your MIL went to all the neighbors to talk to them and let them know what you did but she never gave the same story."

Are you crazy?! Are you serious?!

I was furious and I still am!

Grandma's Boyfriend

A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, "Grandma, how come you don't have a boy friend now that Grandpa went to heaven?"

Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh. I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend."

Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.

The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door, and there stood Grandma's minister.

The minister said, "Hello, son, is your Grandma home?"

The little boy replied, "Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend."

The minister fainted.

World Series?

Well I know ONE of my friend is from Missouri and I know I am from Michigan (imagine that) so - we are kind playing each other right now.

I have been kind been really happy with the fact that I can watch these games. I am not asked to turn the TV off or to change the channel. I can watch the games and enjoy them!

Of course I huff and puff over the mistakes made BUT I would do MUCH worse if I was out there playing myself!

I am just really happy that the Tigers made it to the world series again!Games on and Cards have the bases loaded with ZERO outs! ARG.....

Gonna go watch it now...

What is Waiting for Me?

Today has been a day of disappointments. It seems like it is one thing after another. I do not even know where to start really. It has just been insane really.

Being Christ-like with a son who does nothing but yell at you is hard. I so often just want to smack him but I don't. I know the thoughts are just as bad but I am just going nuts.

My brother said something to him tonight. I spent 45 minutes or longer trying to help him with ONE math problem and all he did was argue with everything I said. I then started to help him with his science and he would not do it - yelled and yelled and started to argue; so I finally walked away.

Now here I am really to pass out and my brother and sister in law are helping him with his homework. No yelling, no arguing, no problems - it is me. I am the problem. I am the one who has created the problem. I have no idea how to fix it either because when we move they will not be there to help him and we are going to be stuck again with him not doing his school work and him failing because it is me the person he hates.

I am feeling pretty ugly about right now as well. I'm taking on the attitude of what I have been hearing for nine years. I mean it has always been there but today more than normal. I mean I look at myself and I think who is ever going to want this person (even if it is my current husband)? I see the ugliness. I see how fat I am. I see how selfish I am. I see how I don't have options to ever been with a Godly man. I see all negative things.

Are there really guys out there who don't use porn or oogle at women? Are there really men out there who are involved with church and ministry? Are there really guys out there who love and honor their wives like God intended? Are there really men out there who enjoy their wives and talk to them and spend time with them? Are there really guys out there who just want to see their wife and no one else? Do those men really exist?

Christ-like...

When others look at you - do the see Christ? Do your words show Christs love? Do your actions show His love? Does your forgiveness show His love? Do you witness well for the Lord?

I don't all the time. I do not know what others see when they see me but I know I am not always the person I should be.

I have room to improve in many areas. I find myself swearing every once in a while but nothing like I used to. I find myself talking about others at times and I should not but again nothing like I used to. I find myself being harsh towards my boys when I have no reason to but again nothing like I used to. I find myself being impatient with other drivers but nothing like I used to (but this truly is one I need lots of growth on).

So I don't know what people see when they "see" me but I know they don't see who I was over two years ago. I feel as if I am in-between being Christ-like and being who I was.

I've Been Gone...

I have not written much over the past week and a half because I have been thinking about the "As is...." statements that were made all last Wednesday (okay so it was two Wednesday's ago)... It really was the theme for the day...

We all come "as is". There are non of us who do not have some sort of issues to deal with. There is not a single person who is perfect. We all have some kind of baggage. We all have our mat (the man who could not walk who had to depend upon everyone else to get him where he needed to go).

The questions though were can you live with the person you are with without them changing? Can you be with them and their "as is" label today? You can not expect a person to change because you do not agree with how or who they are; even if it is not "right" in your eyes. Are you better off with them or without them how they are right now?

The other part that went along with all of it was who do you share your mat with? Who do you trust enough to share your burdens with? Who trusts you enough to lay their burdens on you? Is there a consistently or do you struggle because of their wavier?

It does not mean that they need to agree with your course of actions but you know they will support and love you no matter what you decide to do.

Who are the people in your life who share your mat? Who are the people in your life who you believe if you needed them they would be there?

Do you have anyone?

I have been struggling this week with these questions.

Could I walk back into my house and live with Todd as he is? I could not. I have not seen so clearly in the past 9 years but right now it still has a lot of fog and haze and I can see how wrong it has been. I still can't put "words" to what was wrong but I am trying.

Not everyone understands either. I still hear things like, "Well there is a lot of hurt and anger and then you left so it will take a long time." or "How do you expect him not to be angry? You have to give it time and just let it go and get to a point that isn't so bad."

Where is that point?

God does miracles - I believe this but He has given us all free will and if the other person sees nothing wrong with what they do - it isn't going to change anytime soon.

What am I getting at? I really don't know. I am still really confused but more and more I see what was wrong and I see what he isn't willing to change.

My heart has been crushed and I have no idea what is okay to do or say or feel because no one understands.

I have been trying to think of those who I share my mat with and I really don't have anyone. I have this journal that I keep and people who read it; I have no idea if they really understand or not or if they think I am right or long and that is a struggle with me.

At first I thought it was Lisa and I do but I tend to not say much because everything I say - she tells her husband and others.

Over this past weekend it became very apparent that everyone I talk to who I am sharing confidences with - tells other people. I ran into a guy I haven't seen in 3 years now and he knows someone at church and he knew my situation.

Maybe it is all me and my lack of trust for anyone.

Struggling...

Last night was our last therapy session for a while. Yes they have only just started I know...

My oldest is very depressed and I am afraid it will turn suicidal. This has been an issues in the past. I right now feel that the need for him to be in therapy is greater than the need for the marriage therapy.

Now that isn't completely true. It isn't that the need is greater but it is that I have to pick what I can afford to pay for and he comes first right now.

I addressed it last night in therapy letting DH know that if he wanted to continue it and pay for it fully he could (the only way I could get him there was to agree to pay 1/2). He said he would not have this put on him and if I was not willing to pay for 1/2 because that is what I agreed to then it would be my fault we were not there because he would not be blamed and he didn't feel we need it anyway. He was only there because I said we needed it.

He was very angry when we left and I was in tears. Lots of things were said in those 55 minutes and not much of it good.

I am reading a book right now. Why does he do that? by Lundy Bancroft. Very eye opening book. Most of it so far is my life. It makes me feel good that I am seeing what goes on but it makes me sad that so many people do this stuff that there are books about it.

I am in a struggle though because of the usual things... Of course now I am seeing the usual things are not real but a perception I have developed over the years... Actually that isn't true - I have always known that it wasn't real but when you hear and live with things 24/7 for 3285 days - you believe those things that are not real....

Please pray for me. Please pray for him.