Unfold the Rose...

A young, new preacher was walking with an older, more seasoned preacher in the garden one day. Feeling a bit insecure about what God had for him to do, he was asking the older preacher for some advice. The older preacher walked up to a rose bush and handed the young preacher a rosebud and told him to open it without tearing any of the petals. The young preacher looked in disbelief at the older preacher and was trying to figure out what a rosebud could possibly have to do with his wanting to know the will of God for his life and ministry. But, because of his great respect for the older preacher, he proceeded to try and unfold the rosebud while keeping every petal intact . It wasn't long before he realized how impossible this was to do. Noticing the young preacher's inability to unfold the rosebud without tearing it, the older preacher began to recite the following poem:

It is only a tiny rosebud A flower of God's design;

But I cannot unfold the petals

With these clumsy hands of mine.

The secret of unfolding flowers

Is not known to such as I.

GOD opens this flower so sweetly,

Then, in my hands, they die.

If I cannot unfold a rosebud,

The flower of God's design,

Then how can I have the wisdom

To unfold this life of mine?

So, I'll trust in Him for leading

Each moment of my day.

I will look to Him for His guidance

Each step of the Pilgrim's way

The pathway that lies before me

Only my Heavenly Father knows.

I'll trust him to unfold the moments,

Just as He unfolds the rose.

Verses that Spoke to Me...

This Sunday at church a few verses were used. They meant a lot to me. Amazing what a Sunday can do for you (or any day for that matter at church).

This was one of them:

Isaiah 38:15-17
15 But what can I say?
He has spoken to me, and he himself has done this.
I will walk humbly all my years
because of this anguish of my soul.16 Lord, by such things men live;
and my spirit finds life in them too.
You restored me to health
and let me live.17 Surely it was for my benefit
that I suffered such anguish.
In your love you kept me
from the pit of destruction;
you have put all my sins
behind your back.

Another one was:

Isaiah 54:10
10 Though the mountains be shaken
and the hills be removed,
yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken
nor my covenant of peace be removed,"
says the LORD, who has compassion on you.

The last one was:

Romans 8:38
38For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers,

So I Have Been Gone...

So I haven't been writing much.

I don't even know what to write. Well that isn't true but I am afraid to write it for some reason.

I haven't been doing that great. Last Wednesday I got some bad news. I guess in some ways it is good news but it is really sad for me. Something I have wanted for so long is now lost. I have told a few people and actually told them but for the most part - no one knows. I think 3 people in real life know. The more I think of it - the more real it is. The more I talk about it - the more real it is. Right now - I don't want it to be real.

I went to the bar last Wednesday night to watch the game and it was rained out. Instead I listened to Karaoke. I sang along but I could not get myself up to sing and I love to sing. Went again on Friday night and did the same thing. Went again on Saturday night and did the same thing. At the end of Saturday night though I gave a slip to Caroline and told her that if she keeps it and if I come back and if she remembers me - I would sing it. I kinda hope she forgets.

I have been doing some stupid things and not really caring about it. Not even going to get into those things right now.

I have been looking at houses and getting discouraged. I have had some sunlight shine down on me though about some of it. I stopped at a house on Sunday that was having an open house. I knew it was either not big enough with rooms or out of my price range because I didn't have the sheet. Yet I stopped anyway - the lady doing the open house was wonderful. She told me about a rural development thing that is offered in our area. Just have to be north of 6 mile. It is almost like Section 8 housing help but for people who can get a home instead! She said she would look into it for me and have someone get back with me. She actually called me today and handed the phone over to a guy who could help me. I was blown away that she got back to me so quickly. We talked for about 45 minutes yesterday and she didn't care that my mortgage had to be so small - she was willing to work with me even if I don't qualify for the rural development loan. It was nice to hear because most people haven't even bothered to call me back after I give them the details.

I am not feeling like I belong at my brothers house. They have done nothing to make me feel unwelcome and the boys are fine here - I just don't feel at "home". I want to feel at home someplace. I want to have my own place.

I knew it wouldn't be easy. I knew it would take some time. I knew all of this but it has been two months and I still don't have a place and I would like a place to call home.

I am feeling drained and tired and worn out and misunderstood and and and...I am not only now standing my ground with Keith but I have to do it with Todd. Long ago I should have stood my ground with my mom but I never did and now I need to learn how to create boundaries with her as well.

My parents never taught me how to create them and I never have created them with anyone! There is a whole lot of growing going on and it is very draining

Saturday Night...

While at Cheers I went to the bathroom and my old neighbor was there. She feels so bad and the whole neighborhood is talking and knows I left.

Yet the best news of all was this, "Your MIL went to all the neighbors to talk to them and let them know what you did but she never gave the same story."

Are you crazy?! Are you serious?!

I was furious and I still am!

Grandma's Boyfriend

A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, "Grandma, how come you don't have a boy friend now that Grandpa went to heaven?"

Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh. I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend."

Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.

The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door, and there stood Grandma's minister.

The minister said, "Hello, son, is your Grandma home?"

The little boy replied, "Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend."

The minister fainted.

World Series?

Well I know ONE of my friend is from Missouri and I know I am from Michigan (imagine that) so - we are kind playing each other right now.

I have been kind been really happy with the fact that I can watch these games. I am not asked to turn the TV off or to change the channel. I can watch the games and enjoy them!

Of course I huff and puff over the mistakes made BUT I would do MUCH worse if I was out there playing myself!

I am just really happy that the Tigers made it to the world series again!Games on and Cards have the bases loaded with ZERO outs! ARG.....

Gonna go watch it now...

What is Waiting for Me?

Today has been a day of disappointments. It seems like it is one thing after another. I do not even know where to start really. It has just been insane really.

Being Christ-like with a son who does nothing but yell at you is hard. I so often just want to smack him but I don't. I know the thoughts are just as bad but I am just going nuts.

My brother said something to him tonight. I spent 45 minutes or longer trying to help him with ONE math problem and all he did was argue with everything I said. I then started to help him with his science and he would not do it - yelled and yelled and started to argue; so I finally walked away.

Now here I am really to pass out and my brother and sister in law are helping him with his homework. No yelling, no arguing, no problems - it is me. I am the problem. I am the one who has created the problem. I have no idea how to fix it either because when we move they will not be there to help him and we are going to be stuck again with him not doing his school work and him failing because it is me the person he hates.

I am feeling pretty ugly about right now as well. I'm taking on the attitude of what I have been hearing for nine years. I mean it has always been there but today more than normal. I mean I look at myself and I think who is ever going to want this person (even if it is my current husband)? I see the ugliness. I see how fat I am. I see how selfish I am. I see how I don't have options to ever been with a Godly man. I see all negative things.

Are there really guys out there who don't use porn or oogle at women? Are there really men out there who are involved with church and ministry? Are there really guys out there who love and honor their wives like God intended? Are there really men out there who enjoy their wives and talk to them and spend time with them? Are there really guys out there who just want to see their wife and no one else? Do those men really exist?