Differences....

It is probably the lack of sleep I have been getting that makes me over think. Yet at those times things seem to make sense...

Relationships are a tricky thing. Just loving someone does not make it work.

You are allowed to be different, you are allowed to have differences; it is what makes the world go round.

Yet at the same time if your core values, your beliefs are not the same; how can you possible make it work without someone hurting all the time?

My marriage failed. It failed because I changed and he did not. He said he changed but I never saw it. I can't say what was in his heart but when someone changes most see it. You would think the one who loved you would see it.

I am struggling with this now. The person I am in love with - is truly the best thing that has ever walked into my life. He treats me with respect. He helps me on all levels. He really does love me. I just see it.

Yet the one thing I said I would never go without in another relationship - is not there and I don't ever see it being there.

God

I guess I don't even know right now what the thoughts are fully. I know that how I see some things; he does not.

Here is the thing - I am a sinner. I sin daily. At the same time though there are things that have been instilled in me due to my faith and beliefs and so because of that I end up hurt.

Everyone tells me how lucky I am, how great he is, and it goes on. I do believe that because no one has ever treated me like this before.

So what am I even talking about this for; because what happens when I get hurt down the road because I ignore the one thing I said I would never go without in a relationship?

Maybe I am looking to hard into something that will never happen?

I am a sensitive person and I get hurt by things that people do an say (as does everyone). These things though should be hurtful according to the Lord because they should not happen.

At times I think I blow things out of proportion and then when I am praying/meditating I find I am not. Yet for a person who does not have faith or for a person who does not see their faith like I do - I am blowing things up.

I heard that often while married. You would think I would have learned to run when faith does not match and yet I didn't. I allowed myself to fall in love yet again with someone whose faith does not match mine.

So now what?

I have told him before how I feel but I am sure he just does not understand. It is hard to understand something when you don't believe the same thing.

It is hard to change or want to change when you don't believe there needs to be a change.

So who ends up hurt? Right now I guess that would be me...

It is Snowing...

I look out my window right now and it is snowing. We have had a brief covering of snow once already this year but I am pretty sure this time - it is going to cover the green grass that was left outside my window.

I sent my youngest to school today in tennis shoes and with no snow-pants. What a great mom I am. Although in my defense - when he left - it was not snowing and it was supposed to rain today because it was supposed to be in the 40's. So even though I should have just known - considering the state I live in - I didn't take anything into consideration... So he is probably freezing and wet! At least he wore gloves and a hat!

Now why is it that when I do something nice for someone - it seems to come back and bite me? Not that this is really all that big of a deal but to me it is. When my friend had her baby I let her use the bassinette that was given to me. Along with that I let her have the two pink sheets and a white sheet that were given to me. Not a big deal to keep track of I would think. Yet I just got the bassinette back and it has one pink sheet and one white sheet. What happened to the other sheet? I asked and she said she swears she gave it to me. Which means she isn't really going to look for it. I know it is only a sheet but when you have zero extra dollars each month to spend on things - that extra sheet does mean something...

Also I am struggling with some jealous issues. I am not sure how to work through these but I have to figure out a way. I will get into them maybe tomorrow...

I am also struggling with the whole Christmas break thing and just dealing with Todd. It would be one of the reasons I switched the URL on my blog at this point in time.

I am tired and not ready for Isabella to be here. Yet she is going to be here in less than two weeks now... I am having daily headaches and daily exhaustion.

So please just give me grace right now!

Parenting

This is how I feel by the end of most days. I would just like to pull my hair out.

I am not the best parent in the world. I am more than aware of this.

I say things and do things that I should not in front of my children. I open my mouth and spew things out and then go what the hell was I thinking when I did that.

I know that one of my biggest problems is that I say to much to my boys. Actually not both of them but to my oldest one.

He knows his dad is gone out of the country. He understands it is partly because his dad no longer wanted to pay child support for him. Should he know this - probably not and yet he does. He also know how stressful he makes the world for others. He understands his anger and lack of motivation frustrate the hell out of people.

Just to give you an idea as to what goes on or doesn't go on. He comes home from school today and asks me what toothbrush is his. What are you serious? I send you into the bathroom every morning and every evening and you have had the same toothbrush for about 5 months now and you have no idea which one is yours?

So I ask him if he has not been brushing his teeth and he admits he has not been. Then after I tell him what toothbrush is his - he goes and looks at it - and then goes to his room.

ALL WITHOUT BRUSHING HIS TEETH!

Then tonight I find he has sold a bike that does not belong to him. His typical response, "I am stupid" Okay well no one in this house tells him he is stupid. He has been told that choices he has made are not wise ones and sometimes stupid ones (not from me)but he has never been told he is stupid. As a matter of fact when he calls himself stupid he is corrected. Yet tonight - I wanted to agree with him. I wanted to say yes you are being stupid. Of course I did not though.

What in the heck goes on in that brain of his? I just don't get it.

Then he is yelling at me and arguing with me over what he did. So I send him to his room until he can talk to me with respect in his voice instead of the ton of disrespect he is using. Of course then it is my fault and so on.

As he is going he lets me know he has $60 to spend at Grandma's and he will just get the money from her. Ummmmm - great. So I call my mom to find out how much money he has (cause I am guessing he isn't going to be buying the bike back for what he sold it for). I find out he has $15 left out of his money. Great, probably not going to be enough money. Then she proceeds to tell me how the other parents are not good parents because how can you let a kid come home with two bikes and not explain them.

She is ALWAYS looking for ways to make the other people involved be the bad people. Not Kyle; nothing wrong with Kyle; nothing he did was wrong, etc. Of course she says well he can have the money but he has to be the one to call them and get the bike back.

Well no shit - I am not going to be the one who calls up this kid and says, "You need to sell the bike back to my son for what you bought it for." Duh!

This is my life. This is my daily life. I get frustrated so darn fast with his stupidity. I really do. I keep on wondering what line I was standing in when God handed out the patience's because I have zero when it comes to Kyle at this point. I try and try and try and yet each and every day he proves to me how many things he can do that are just lacking in the thinking department and I lose it - immediately.

God help me because at this point - his anger, destruction, lack of respect - are killing me.

Hard Decisions...

Everyone in life has hard decisions to make. No one can judge how difficult something is for someone else; especially if they are not in their shoes.

I left what I considered to be an abusive relationship. Maybe others did not feel it was but I felt it was. It took me a long time to get up the courage to leave him.

In the time it took me to get the courage up to leave him; he became sick. His leg started to have issues and we dealt with many doctors and specialists. At the time I left I had no idea what he had. They had ruled out ALS (Lou-Gehrig's Disease) and were leaning towards MS. I though didn't really believe it; still felt it might be ALS.

I am not a doctor but in my gut - I had a feeling. Then earlier this year he was diagnosed with it. I had not even been gone a year.

It was not easy to walk out the door with feeling like something more than MS was going on with him. Yet I had to do it.

Now here I am going through a divorce and being made to feel guilty by him. He is alone and I abandoned him in his time of need.

We all have difficult decisions that have to be made. Some are more difficult than others but they are each persons difficulties.

What do you do with those guilty feelings though after all is said and done? Some days are harder than others but how do you make it through...

Emotions at a High...

The last few days have been emotional and trying for me. I am a bundle of tears. I can't stand when all I do is cry.

I thought today was going to be better since Sunday was a bit better. Turns out I was wrong.

Went to one of my many doctor appointments for the week (I have one appointment every day this week and two on some of the days). It was my OB check with my regular doctor. I had to tell her I wasn't sure if I was going to be coming back or not due to the insurance issue.

She had me talk to the office manager. The office manager was going to try and get the medicaid for me or at least find out what can be done. She had me call her after I got home to give her the case managers name and number. Not sure she would get anywhere but it is worth a try I guess...

They are both worried about me not having my prescription and not seeing the doctor due to the current risk. I agree but not much I can do about it right now.

I also got an email from Ken today. He decided he was going to file a motion for lack of payment from child support and rent. He has been trying to reach Melanie and she is not responding. He has called and sent emails to her and has heard nothing back from her. It has been a month and two days since our mediation hearing. Todd still has not gotten back to anyone about the life insurance or the retirement fund information.

I was ready to just give up and give in on Saturday. Sunday wasn't much better. Yet here I am today - still kicking.

I just keep so much in because I have no words for what goes on and then everything bad seems to pile on at once. Then I lose it.

I try to take things a day at a time. Actually most days I try and take things a moment at a time. Yet I seem to fail at even that.

I am not feeling like a very good parent right now. I actually am feeling like a failure right now. I can not do fun things with the kids; well at least what they feel is fun. I just struggle because I have nothing but time and love to give them.

Okay so what is wrong with that you ask? Nothing is wrong with that really but on week nights I don't have much time to give them. We work on school work, I make dinner, we eat dinner, I clean up and then it is time for the kids to get ready for bed. So the question really is - do I spend quality time with them or not?

It has just been a rough few days is all....

I have...

I have been watching a friend of mine endure an abusive/controlling relationship and even though her husband was my friend prior to her being my friend - I am beginning to hate him. Strong word I know but I really am. I am nice to him because she is married to him but the crap he is doing - because of the crap I have dealt with - is making it so much harder to do.

I have been trying to allow my son to be the 14 year old he wants to be; to a certain extent. Yet he isn't following through with his end of things and so it makes it hard for me to allow him to do all the extra things. Then I am blamed for what is going on.

I have been falling deeper and deeper in love with Jack. What is wrong with this you ask? Nothing but my fears from my past come up and bite me and then I get insecure. What happens when I get insecure - I worry about all that might go wrong. My emotions go nutty and I struggle to enjoy what is actually taking place right now in the moment.

I have been worried about what being bipolar means. I know what it means. I know what it does to me. I know what I have gone through because of it. The questions that are there and that are creeping in and the worry that is around is because of Jack. I am a very emotional being. I can hold a job; part time but full time overwhelms me. I have done much better at the implusivity that goes with it because I know where that destruction leads to. Yet what if that old me; the one who isn't in control with meds (since I am not on any right now due to pregnancy); comes out and rears that ugly head?! Jack won't stick around for that crazy person - to be honest no one ever should have but most men did; yet I know deep down Jack won't. How do I explain this person to him just in case she does come around? How can I promise myself or him that she won't show up? I can't and that is my fear...

I have been sick since starting on the celexa. Wondering if it is worth the things I am going through and what might happen to Isabella while I take this. I can't get rid of the upset stomach and the headache. Yet the depression is so much that I know I need something. What do I do?! Just suffer and keep on going and hoping that the side effects stop soon...

I have been wondering about Christmas. Yup it is only September and it is already on my mind. Not that the boys need a ton of things but with the baby and all the things she needs; I just stress over money. I have a goal; already have a list made out and plan on getting one thing per boy per month from now until December. Of course that is not going to be the easiest thing to do but it can be done. I am hoping it can be done. I have it figured out in my head but will reality match my figures?

I have a friend whom I love dearly. I have been worried about the stress she is under. She means the world to me. We have spoken on the phone, she has sang a song to me and we speak via IM. We have never met in person but she is just amazing as a person. She kept me strong and going even when we were not in touch. There is just something about her that exudes love and life and energy. So to see her struggling makes me very sad. I love you girl! *hugs and kisses*

Emotions...

Yesterday was such an up and down day.

The night before I actually slept good all night long. I got up to go the bathroom a few times but was able to fall right back to sleep. Then yesterday during the day I laid down because my head was hurting and I slept for a little bit longer. It was nice.

Of course though once I was up - everything seemed to go wrong...

Getting emails from Todd about Adam's racing revealed a new venture. Of course I figured it was in his parents name and I was correct to assume that. After some digging I saw the new web site (hosted by PowerWare; Admin is Todd) was owned by a company that is a LLC that is managed/run by Jean (Todd's mom).

I just sat and cried. I know most of you probably have no clue why I would cry over them starting a new company and if you really don't know and want to - let me know and I will explain.

Then I started to get emails from Kyle's teachers. We are on day 9 of school and we already have incomplete projects and things of that nature. All this week and last week I gave Kyle the benefit of the doubt. I believed in him. He was going to school early. Then to get those emails - just crushed me.

I knew I was going to have to give out consequences for the lies and the other things and I also knew what that meant I would be getting for a reaction and where it would lead to.

I just sat and cried some more.

We (my whole family) has been reaching out trying to get Kyle to care and be motivated and whatever else needs to happen and instead he just regresses further and further back. He just does not care, does not get it, does not think about it, it just does not matter to him...

I am watching my son go down the path I went down at his age; only worse. I could see him in prison or dead before he is 19 years old.

How sad is that to even admit to?!