It is Snowing...

I look out my window right now and it is snowing. We have had a brief covering of snow once already this year but I am pretty sure this time - it is going to cover the green grass that was left outside my window.

I sent my youngest to school today in tennis shoes and with no snow-pants. What a great mom I am. Although in my defense - when he left - it was not snowing and it was supposed to rain today because it was supposed to be in the 40's. So even though I should have just known - considering the state I live in - I didn't take anything into consideration... So he is probably freezing and wet! At least he wore gloves and a hat!

Now why is it that when I do something nice for someone - it seems to come back and bite me? Not that this is really all that big of a deal but to me it is. When my friend had her baby I let her use the bassinette that was given to me. Along with that I let her have the two pink sheets and a white sheet that were given to me. Not a big deal to keep track of I would think. Yet I just got the bassinette back and it has one pink sheet and one white sheet. What happened to the other sheet? I asked and she said she swears she gave it to me. Which means she isn't really going to look for it. I know it is only a sheet but when you have zero extra dollars each month to spend on things - that extra sheet does mean something...

Also I am struggling with some jealous issues. I am not sure how to work through these but I have to figure out a way. I will get into them maybe tomorrow...

I am also struggling with the whole Christmas break thing and just dealing with Todd. It would be one of the reasons I switched the URL on my blog at this point in time.

I am tired and not ready for Isabella to be here. Yet she is going to be here in less than two weeks now... I am having daily headaches and daily exhaustion.

So please just give me grace right now!

I have...

I have been watching a friend of mine endure an abusive/controlling relationship and even though her husband was my friend prior to her being my friend - I am beginning to hate him. Strong word I know but I really am. I am nice to him because she is married to him but the crap he is doing - because of the crap I have dealt with - is making it so much harder to do.

I have been trying to allow my son to be the 14 year old he wants to be; to a certain extent. Yet he isn't following through with his end of things and so it makes it hard for me to allow him to do all the extra things. Then I am blamed for what is going on.

I have been falling deeper and deeper in love with Jack. What is wrong with this you ask? Nothing but my fears from my past come up and bite me and then I get insecure. What happens when I get insecure - I worry about all that might go wrong. My emotions go nutty and I struggle to enjoy what is actually taking place right now in the moment.

I have been worried about what being bipolar means. I know what it means. I know what it does to me. I know what I have gone through because of it. The questions that are there and that are creeping in and the worry that is around is because of Jack. I am a very emotional being. I can hold a job; part time but full time overwhelms me. I have done much better at the implusivity that goes with it because I know where that destruction leads to. Yet what if that old me; the one who isn't in control with meds (since I am not on any right now due to pregnancy); comes out and rears that ugly head?! Jack won't stick around for that crazy person - to be honest no one ever should have but most men did; yet I know deep down Jack won't. How do I explain this person to him just in case she does come around? How can I promise myself or him that she won't show up? I can't and that is my fear...

I have been sick since starting on the celexa. Wondering if it is worth the things I am going through and what might happen to Isabella while I take this. I can't get rid of the upset stomach and the headache. Yet the depression is so much that I know I need something. What do I do?! Just suffer and keep on going and hoping that the side effects stop soon...

I have been wondering about Christmas. Yup it is only September and it is already on my mind. Not that the boys need a ton of things but with the baby and all the things she needs; I just stress over money. I have a goal; already have a list made out and plan on getting one thing per boy per month from now until December. Of course that is not going to be the easiest thing to do but it can be done. I am hoping it can be done. I have it figured out in my head but will reality match my figures?

I have a friend whom I love dearly. I have been worried about the stress she is under. She means the world to me. We have spoken on the phone, she has sang a song to me and we speak via IM. We have never met in person but she is just amazing as a person. She kept me strong and going even when we were not in touch. There is just something about her that exudes love and life and energy. So to see her struggling makes me very sad. I love you girl! *hugs and kisses*

I Swear He Thinks I am Dumb

Every email lately from Todd - he attempts to treat me like a 2 year old or tries to make me feel dumb or as if I am ignorant and can't figure things out on my own.

I am none of the above.

There are days when I really feel like those things because of all I hear in my head BUT I know I am not any one of those things.

I am working on feeling intelligent. I am working on realizing I am a beautiful person. I am working on having self-confidence. I am working on being the person He made me to be.

I am not perfect - I am not close.

I have been very depressed lately. I am still down. It does not feel as heavy today as it has in the past bit of time but it is still there looming. I did call my PDoc yesterday and they called in an antidepressant for me. I have not started it yet but will here this week.

I am not at the lowest I have ever been in my life but I am pretty low. The biggest difference at this point in my life is I do have someone who loves me and cares and wants me well. I am not with someone who just tells me to deal with it or to snap out of it. The person I am with actually cares about me.

The feeling that depression leaves on the soul is so hard to explain. Everyone has different lows when it comes to their breaking point. I have pushed the feeling aside and just kept on telling myself I would snap out of it. I would push through. I would be okay.

I guess I took the first step yesterday by saying - I need help...

Depression

How do you explain depression to someone who doesn't deal with it?

I have it but I have gotten good at wearing masks to hide it. Lately - like for the last 7 months or so it has been bad for me.

Of course I have my days where no one knows and then I have my bad days where it just isn't hideable. Those are the days I dislike the most because it is hard for me to explain - it is always there - I just hide it well.

I really wish I had some mania in me right now but I just don't. Life is draining the life out of me. I do nothing but think and sink.

So how do you explain depression?

When others are around - I can laugh, I can smile, I can talk, I can function.
When others are not around - I don't have to laugh, I don't have to smile, I don't have to talk, I don't have to function.

Todd didn't like my depression and he made that very clear. I needed to snap out of it. I needed to just move on. I needed to function. Well who doesn't need those things? So I learned how to get out of bed to do the clothes and to clean the kitchen and to make meals and to take care of the boys. Yet when no one else is around - I can just be - I can be that person who thinks and sinks.

Before leaving Todd there was a three month period he knew nothing was wrong. When I finally could not keep it all in anymore all I got was, "I thought we were doing just fine". As if my meltdown and crying and emotions was a reflection upon "us" instead of what my life was daily. He had no comprehension and maybe that was my fault. I felt worse when he knew what was really going on with me - so I learned to hide it. Yet he didn't want to know.

Right now I get out of bed every day to start my day. Yet for the most part - I end up right back in bed. I do two or three small things and I have no energy for anything else. Not a day goes by where I don't cry. Not a day goes by where I don't stress over what is going on in my life.

For the longest time I just kept on telling myself it was environmental - circumstances and now I know it has to be a part of the bipolar.

I know I really should be on a med for it but financially it comes down to - I have money right now for one med and that med had to be for my blood clot. So I just try and live with it.

368 Days

I have been away from Todd and that life for 368 days. So why is it that it seems like things only keep on getting worse?

Still - he has only made 3 child support payments. Kyle's dad is not consistent with that either (and now he is moving out of the country). Todd didn't even have to start paying child support until February so he got away with paying nothing from August to February and he still isn't paying.

I have lost a few jobs since leaving him due to issues with Kyle because it is just me. It is only me getting the phone calls and having to deal with what he is doing or not doing and me having to go up to the school and me taking him to his appointments and it is only me.

If I could get and keep a job - we would be fine - but I seem to be failing at that skill right now.

I have $1.83 in my bank account right now. I have to get the kids their school supplies. I have to put gas in my car (on empty righ now). I have to get food for the house. I have to finish paying the bills for this month. All on a dollar.

These are the days where I want to just give up, give in, and call it quits.

Kyle needs to start therapy again due to current issues - even if the therapist feels he is getting nothing from it. I now have to figure out where I am going to come up with another $80 to $100 a month for it. Plus on top of that - once the divorce is final - I have to come up with money to pay for MiChild for Kyle and a supplemental insurance for myself - so that is going to run me about another $100 a month.

I am overwhelmed...

My Days....

Well so much is going on right now that my life is in a tailspin.

Kyle didn't get into the school. I am working on taking things a day at a time.

Tomorrow is mediation. I just have very little to say. I would love to agree to whatever but I won't. I am still not getting child support on a regular basis and he is still hiding behind his company.

Depression is an overwhelming thing in my life right now. Day in and day out. I am having a hard time to getting anything done. All the way from getting up and out of bed in the morning to getting laundry and dishes done.

I have pretty much come to accept that I am just going to be staying here doing it myself. Jack will be around but for the most part - since 5 people can't live here - and we can't afford to be anywhere else it is just going to be as it is. With her coming we will just make due.

I wish it didn't add to my depression but it does. I know I won't be alone so to speak but I feel like it.

I have gotten so good at hiding what I feel that well - it doesn't matter much anymore.

I need to find a job so that I can afford something but I am afraid to get a job when Kyle and his schooling is a full time job. Plus now lets add this new baby and well - the thought of all of it is just overwhelming me.

If I had a job I am sure we would be just fine. I guess I just have to figure out how to make every thing work; job, kyle, adam, isabella, the house, and myself.