BLOG....

The reminder was just given by a friend after getting back in touch with him after a long and hard phone conversation....

Why is life so hard? Maybe it isn't as hard as I think it is but it feels like it - especially at times like this...

I had to do parenting time coordination today. Nothing was resolved. Not a thing!

I in many ways was proud of myself for not backing down or giving up a single day! On the other hand we now need to go through a custody evaluation.

My fear is Adam will no longer live with me. I can see it happening. I can see me losing Adam.

I have to ready the house. I have to ready my life. I have to ready my heart and mind for the just in case.

I know that I might be told it is silly to worry about that because it might not happen but what if it does happen. Then what? I would lose it is I lost him...

Here is the kicker - Adam's dad does not feel I am a fit parent. His parents don't see me as a fit parent. My parents did a while ago and you know I am pretty sure they still don't feel I am fit.

I did have some issues. I admit that. I have been working on those issues and things are better.

I am bipolar and I have been in the hospital because of it before. It doesn't mean I am a bad person or a bad mom. It just means I needed more help at one point.

I am worried about this. I don't know how not to worry about it. I don't even know if that is the right word but I guess I just have to prepare...

Bipolar and Pregnancy

Yesterday was a roller coaster for me. Yesterday morning was okay. I did just fine. Then as the afternoon came on I started to progress downward. Then by evening I was a mess.

I live in a roller coaster world. When pregnant I have always been pretty stable; at least with my other two pregnancies. This one has thrown me for a loop.

I have had major depression. I have had some mania. I have all around be someone who is on a cycle during this pregnancy. I have been an emotional wreck and it makes me worried.

I shut down when around people when it comes to bipolar. It isn't right but I tend to do that. When I am dealing with bipolar issues I have no faith that people will try to understand. I just assume it is going to be like the past.

I wrote for myself last night after Jack left. I made him leave. I would not open up to him. I would not talk to him. All I did was laid there crying and shutting him out. I knew what I was doing. I knew he would leave. I also knew there was a chance I blew the whole thing by doing it.

I sent him what I wrote. It wasn't for him. It wasn't to him. Although I am hoping he sees a bit of what I deal with. It was a mess. It was the inside of my thoughts. I was honest and because I was writing for me I wasn't concerned about what I wrote. I didn't look for the correct words to place so as not to hurt anyone. I just wrote for me.

Who knows what will come of it. I am sure (in my head) that he will run. Who would not run when they read my thoughts. If I was a normal person - I personally would run myself.

Please pray for this roller coaster I seem to be on. I need to be on meds but won't do it while pregnant. I have a while to go before she gets here and they are getting more extreme.

I have...

I have been watching a friend of mine endure an abusive/controlling relationship and even though her husband was my friend prior to her being my friend - I am beginning to hate him. Strong word I know but I really am. I am nice to him because she is married to him but the crap he is doing - because of the crap I have dealt with - is making it so much harder to do.

I have been trying to allow my son to be the 14 year old he wants to be; to a certain extent. Yet he isn't following through with his end of things and so it makes it hard for me to allow him to do all the extra things. Then I am blamed for what is going on.

I have been falling deeper and deeper in love with Jack. What is wrong with this you ask? Nothing but my fears from my past come up and bite me and then I get insecure. What happens when I get insecure - I worry about all that might go wrong. My emotions go nutty and I struggle to enjoy what is actually taking place right now in the moment.

I have been worried about what being bipolar means. I know what it means. I know what it does to me. I know what I have gone through because of it. The questions that are there and that are creeping in and the worry that is around is because of Jack. I am a very emotional being. I can hold a job; part time but full time overwhelms me. I have done much better at the implusivity that goes with it because I know where that destruction leads to. Yet what if that old me; the one who isn't in control with meds (since I am not on any right now due to pregnancy); comes out and rears that ugly head?! Jack won't stick around for that crazy person - to be honest no one ever should have but most men did; yet I know deep down Jack won't. How do I explain this person to him just in case she does come around? How can I promise myself or him that she won't show up? I can't and that is my fear...

I have been sick since starting on the celexa. Wondering if it is worth the things I am going through and what might happen to Isabella while I take this. I can't get rid of the upset stomach and the headache. Yet the depression is so much that I know I need something. What do I do?! Just suffer and keep on going and hoping that the side effects stop soon...

I have been wondering about Christmas. Yup it is only September and it is already on my mind. Not that the boys need a ton of things but with the baby and all the things she needs; I just stress over money. I have a goal; already have a list made out and plan on getting one thing per boy per month from now until December. Of course that is not going to be the easiest thing to do but it can be done. I am hoping it can be done. I have it figured out in my head but will reality match my figures?

I have a friend whom I love dearly. I have been worried about the stress she is under. She means the world to me. We have spoken on the phone, she has sang a song to me and we speak via IM. We have never met in person but she is just amazing as a person. She kept me strong and going even when we were not in touch. There is just something about her that exudes love and life and energy. So to see her struggling makes me very sad. I love you girl! *hugs and kisses*

Depression

How do you explain depression to someone who doesn't deal with it?

I have it but I have gotten good at wearing masks to hide it. Lately - like for the last 7 months or so it has been bad for me.

Of course I have my days where no one knows and then I have my bad days where it just isn't hideable. Those are the days I dislike the most because it is hard for me to explain - it is always there - I just hide it well.

I really wish I had some mania in me right now but I just don't. Life is draining the life out of me. I do nothing but think and sink.

So how do you explain depression?

When others are around - I can laugh, I can smile, I can talk, I can function.
When others are not around - I don't have to laugh, I don't have to smile, I don't have to talk, I don't have to function.

Todd didn't like my depression and he made that very clear. I needed to snap out of it. I needed to just move on. I needed to function. Well who doesn't need those things? So I learned how to get out of bed to do the clothes and to clean the kitchen and to make meals and to take care of the boys. Yet when no one else is around - I can just be - I can be that person who thinks and sinks.

Before leaving Todd there was a three month period he knew nothing was wrong. When I finally could not keep it all in anymore all I got was, "I thought we were doing just fine". As if my meltdown and crying and emotions was a reflection upon "us" instead of what my life was daily. He had no comprehension and maybe that was my fault. I felt worse when he knew what was really going on with me - so I learned to hide it. Yet he didn't want to know.

Right now I get out of bed every day to start my day. Yet for the most part - I end up right back in bed. I do two or three small things and I have no energy for anything else. Not a day goes by where I don't cry. Not a day goes by where I don't stress over what is going on in my life.

For the longest time I just kept on telling myself it was environmental - circumstances and now I know it has to be a part of the bipolar.

I know I really should be on a med for it but financially it comes down to - I have money right now for one med and that med had to be for my blood clot. So I just try and live with it.