I have...

I have been watching a friend of mine endure an abusive/controlling relationship and even though her husband was my friend prior to her being my friend - I am beginning to hate him. Strong word I know but I really am. I am nice to him because she is married to him but the crap he is doing - because of the crap I have dealt with - is making it so much harder to do.

I have been trying to allow my son to be the 14 year old he wants to be; to a certain extent. Yet he isn't following through with his end of things and so it makes it hard for me to allow him to do all the extra things. Then I am blamed for what is going on.

I have been falling deeper and deeper in love with Jack. What is wrong with this you ask? Nothing but my fears from my past come up and bite me and then I get insecure. What happens when I get insecure - I worry about all that might go wrong. My emotions go nutty and I struggle to enjoy what is actually taking place right now in the moment.

I have been worried about what being bipolar means. I know what it means. I know what it does to me. I know what I have gone through because of it. The questions that are there and that are creeping in and the worry that is around is because of Jack. I am a very emotional being. I can hold a job; part time but full time overwhelms me. I have done much better at the implusivity that goes with it because I know where that destruction leads to. Yet what if that old me; the one who isn't in control with meds (since I am not on any right now due to pregnancy); comes out and rears that ugly head?! Jack won't stick around for that crazy person - to be honest no one ever should have but most men did; yet I know deep down Jack won't. How do I explain this person to him just in case she does come around? How can I promise myself or him that she won't show up? I can't and that is my fear...

I have been sick since starting on the celexa. Wondering if it is worth the things I am going through and what might happen to Isabella while I take this. I can't get rid of the upset stomach and the headache. Yet the depression is so much that I know I need something. What do I do?! Just suffer and keep on going and hoping that the side effects stop soon...

I have been wondering about Christmas. Yup it is only September and it is already on my mind. Not that the boys need a ton of things but with the baby and all the things she needs; I just stress over money. I have a goal; already have a list made out and plan on getting one thing per boy per month from now until December. Of course that is not going to be the easiest thing to do but it can be done. I am hoping it can be done. I have it figured out in my head but will reality match my figures?

I have a friend whom I love dearly. I have been worried about the stress she is under. She means the world to me. We have spoken on the phone, she has sang a song to me and we speak via IM. We have never met in person but she is just amazing as a person. She kept me strong and going even when we were not in touch. There is just something about her that exudes love and life and energy. So to see her struggling makes me very sad. I love you girl! *hugs and kisses*

Friendships...

What do you excel at? I excel at sabotaging relationships.

Actually that is true and not true... I am good at it but I am tried of it.

Today I cut off some friendships that seem to be unhealthy for me. I feel bad but at the same time I don't feel so bad. I was as honest as I could be and I am going on.

I am sure they will be shocked and hurt and whatever else but I am done with it.

I have not been a good friend to a lot of people. I have been a good friend to other people. Overall I haven't been the best friend and that is probably what sticks out most in my head.

I just need to zip it and go on with my life as it is...

You know what my biggest downfall is with friends. I struggle with being honest with them. I vent to others behind their back because I am to afraid to hurt their feelings. There are some who I just say whatever to because they have thick skin or they can take it. Then there are some who I would not darn say anything to because they take it to heart and get angry at me.

It is best if I just back away from everyone. Work on myself. Work on my relationships with God. Find a new church home.