Past Couple of Days...

Have been very rough on me. Words have kind of escaped me. I know that all of these things going on are not my fault per say but I have added to them I am sure.

I have been in a huge struggle with myself. What do I do to provide for my boys? What do I do to get my bills paid off?

I have been thinking the past day or so I was just going to go and start to apply for jobs again. Even though I am not supposed to work right now I need the money. Even though no one will hire me because I can't get a work release from a doctor - I feel the need to try. I have a month or less until this little girl is here; why can't I wait? I have made it this long with the struggle.

I guess what upsets me more than anything else is the fact that I am doing it all alone. All I hear from the boys fathers is, "You know I have no problem providing for them I just don't have the money right now." Well how in the heck do you think they are being provided for then? How do you think food is being fed to them? How do you think they are getting clothing to cover their bodies? How do you think they have a roof over their heads? I guess even if you don't have money - you find a way to provide for them because they need to be taken care of!

I can't give them the extras they would like although I am keeping them with full bellies, dry heads, clothed bodies and some toys to play with.

I have to sit by and watch their fathers do all the extras and have all the fun with them. It hurts to see all of this going on. It makes me feel as if they are trying to punish me but in the end all it does is hurt the kids.

Good Mom

What makes someone a good mom? I am in a huge struggle lately with this question.

I know when I was working things were okay here; financially. I know finances don't make or break you as a good parent.

Although things like today have just been so rough on me. I got my disability check today and it is gone. I am back to having $2.04 in my bank account until December 12th when I will once again get another check; pay my bills and be left with $2.04 in my bank account.

Today I had to tell Adam that I would not be able to get him anything for Christmas. He was okay with that really but he still believes in Santa and think Santa will get him something. After the talk we had - I could not go any further because I was about in tears at that point anyway.

Kyle has a project for science that is due next week. The problem is to construct a package containing a raw egg so that the package may fall from the desired height without breaking the egg. I have $2.04 and all the things he wants to use to construct this are just not feasible.

So what makes a good mom? Someone who can provide for her children in all ways? I right now am failing at that. I am not providing for my children in all ways. I have enough money each month to be able to pay our bills and that is it. I provide a roof over their heads.

I know that I should not struggle so much with this because it isn't me who is the only one who is failing the boys. Neither of the fathers are paying for anything. I get zero for child support at this point in time.

Yet to be the one who is always saying, "That isn't in the budget. We can't do that." is very tiring when the father is taking them to movies, out to dinner, dirt biking and well you get the picture. At 8 and 14 the boys should have nothing to worry about and yet they do.

Today has been such a rough day for me emotionally. I can't wait for it to be over.

Oh and on another note - I had to contact SSA yesterday and found out the boys were denied. So now I just sit here and wait for the denial letter to come in the mail. I had an issue with my social security card and they needed to resend it to me but I needed to call to get it done. While on the phone I asked if she could see a status on the boys claims and she said it looks like it has been denied.

So there is no money there. I can't work right now. We have no money in the bank for anything. My car is about to die. My kids will have nothing for Christmas. I am bringing another child into this world.

What is wrong with me?

Frustration

My life seems to run in circle. I try to not be frustrated with the way things go but it is hard not to be.

I have so many things going on right now that I get overwhelmed with getting anything complete.

I have finally got all the information I need for the application for the Section 8 Housing. Does not mean I will be approved or even make it off the waiting list prior to moving next year. Yet I at least have it filled out and ready to be turned in. Of course they are not open today but still - it is ready for tomorrow.

I called Michigan Department of Human Services to let them know my rent is going up and child support went down. Of course they are closed today as well so I left a message with my case worker. We will see what happens. I just need to know where to send the new and improved information or if I have to fill out a whole new application. I am hoping I can just send a copy of the new rental agreement and not have to fill the whole thing of paperwork out again.

I finally got an email from Keith. This would be Kyle's dad. Now back when I was in the hospital he moved to the Philippians. I sent him a message asking for him information; as in address and phone and had not heard back from him. I finally got a message back today letting me know he is home, living with his mom and dad again and without a job. Well don't rush to contact your son. I mean he is only your son. I guess I just know how to pick the right men to be fathers!

Had to work on filling out paperwork for Adam for his Free/Reduced lunch program. Apparently the state randomly picks so many children from each school district each year to make sure they are telling the truth about their income. So then you have to go through this whole verification process. Well I turned it all in when I filled out the papers; like I do each year. The State happened to pick Adam this year and the school can not find the paperwork I submitted at the beginning of the year. So that means - I have to get it all from each agency AND have it to them by the 15th of this month. I have been trying but don't have the exact stuff they need. So I would like to scream because Adam and Kyle could potentially lose this program because I don't have the proper paperwork to turn in.

What else is there going on that is frustrating. The whole court process. I have a letter I need to send to Friend of the Court about the whole Todd situation. I need to get that in the mail by tomorrow. (please pray my printer has enough ink in it to print it out the right way) I have the letter done but for some reason I am just worried I didn't say enough or said to much. I am not sure to be honest. I have huge concerns with Todd right now. He is saying he wants Adam more than 50% of the time and yet he is claiming at the same time he can't work because of how ill he is. Okay - so why in the heck is he driving with Adam then? If his illness is progress that quickly - how is he caring for Adam? I am worried. Maybe I need to ask for supervised visitations at this point. Maybe that is an over-reaction. I just don't know.

Then there is the SI I applied for with the boys. I know I am probably just over-reacting here but she said if I didn't have a check by the 10th then they are probable denied. Okay so it is a holiday for the government this weekend/today because of Veterans day. Yet it is the 12th and there has been nothing from anyone so far. So I have $2.88 in my bank account, very little food, no gas in the car and a $300 script I need to get next week (or I will probably end up in the hospital again). So because most things do not work the way I hope for - I am going to just call it good and say they didn't get it. That way when the denial letter does come - I don't have so much disappointment.

So there is most of my frustration right now. It does not fully cover it all but I am pretty sure you have a good idea as to what is going on in my life. I keep on saying it has to get better but to be honest - I am not so sure I really believe that at all.

Quarters - Money - Does it Ever End?

Here we are yet another month waiting for my disability check to get here. Not a big deal because when it gets here - it pays the bills and is gone. I have nothing then until the next one comes in.

Yet each month it seems like something goes wrong. I was prepared for that this month though.

I have a phone through Vonage and they screwed up and I was charged last month when I should not have been. Put my account negative because I was not expecting it. Well after dealing with them I was told my "free" month would be in November.

Well with how my luck goes - I decided I had best keep the $32.00 in my bank account "just in case" they take it out in November. Oh and glory be - guess what happened - they charged my account. So I was thrilled with myself for keeping the money in the account and preventing me from going negative.

After talking with them this morning - I am going to get two free months instead of the one free month. Although I don't get them until January and February.

Okay - so I decide to get online to check my bank account. I should have had whole $0.26 in my account. Yet when I logged into it and it pulled up my account information - it was a negative $15.60. Oh joy. What in the world is going on now?!

I opened up the account to figure out what is going on. You see two days ago when I reconciled my account everything had cleared. I had nothing outstanding. So why today am I negative? Just shoot me!

I find that there is a pending charge for $15.86. Not sure what it is for since it is pending. Yet I can't afford to have my account negative when it goes through. That will start me off when I do get my check at $948.14 and I would have to sit and figure out what wasn't going to be paid this month. Then it would take me months to make it up.

Not getting child support; even with how little it was from Keith (Kyle's dad) is killing me. I used that money for gas and well now we don't even have he one check a month he was sending. He was a useless piece of crap and yet I know - I was involved with him. Okay enough about that.

So I went into panic mode this morning. You know what I ended up doing. Being a terrible mom. Yup that is right - I stole from my youngest son. He has a state quarters collection and it was enough to put my account positive (along with returning all of my bottles and all of my change). I feel like crap - I stole from my 8 year old son. So now I have to work on replacing all his quarters - which will not be an easy thing to do.

Some days I just wonder how in the world I have survived this long.

Here is the thing - I do know we need money to survive. We all have to have some kind of income to be able to pay our bills, put gas in our vehicles, and sometimes splurge on fun things.

I have never though believed money makes you happy. I know it helps make some people happy but I don't want my children to grow up thinking that having possessions are super important and they have to do whatever to get it.

I see that with Kyle. It really makes me sad but then again - it is what my dad does as well (and sometimes my mom). When I left home the whole thing for them was, "What about all your things? What about all the stuff we have bought the boys over the years?"

Well let me think about that a moment - ummm things don't really matter to me and the more you point out all the "things" we left behind the more Kyle gets upset - so knock it off!

My oldest son has many issues and teaching him that things are important is not going to help. I know money does make things easier but it isn't what makes one happy. Yes I am always happier and less stressed when I am not worried about money but I don't have to have a ton of money to make my life great.

You know that each month I live off of $998.00. Not a lot really. It pays for the basic things we need. That is the important thing I believe. Yet in the end how do you get your children to see that is all that is important? That just being with family and having the love of them means more than being able to go and see a movie...

Another Quick Update....

Blood levels are within range. Which is a good thing but I am still on bed rest. Will probably be there for a good couple of weeks or so then moved down to partial bed rest.

Getting irritated with how the house looks but have to admit Kyle since starting back on the meds have been a huge help to me. I am grateful he is at least willing to try taking them - now here is to hoping he will stay on them.

Jack has been helpful. He made dinner last night. He has come over and spent time with me so I am not going out of my mind so much. He even brought me a toothbrush since I left mine at the hospital.

Financially I am worried but I have to believe it will be okay. It frustrates me because I was doing just fine with working, paying all my bills, saving money and not getting any child support. Since being off work - I stress each and every month over how bills or anything is going to be paid. Now to top it off - I have to add what I am paying out each month because I have to be on a supplemental policy that has prescription coverage for my Medicare. I am trying to say it will all work out but I just don't know.

Oh at this point I have 2 of the 4 meds I need. Two of the most important ones right now. The one for my blood clot and the one for my gestational diabetes.

So there is the update I can give in the short time I am allotted out of bed! Still hoping to get the wireless connection up and going soon.

Way Quick Update...

Last week I ended up in the hospital with another blood clot. As some of you knew Todd changed the insurance policy and I could not afford the medication I had to be on for the blood clot. I also (since having Medicare) could not get another prescription plan through anyone because of the fact that I did/do have a private insurance.

Life has been hell.

I actually left the hospital way before they wanted me to. Biggest concern is that because of the size of the blood clot and because I am not at home and because of the money issues - I could end up with a pulmonary embolism. Could not stay though because of Kyle and the lack of care I was finding for him.

I am beyond stressed at this point in time. I have no way to continue to pay for the things needed for this pregnancy because I can not work. I am in tears daily.

I have no idea how I am going to make it much longer. Depression has been bad again. I am just trying to take it a day at a time and let God have at my life but when things like this occur I have no idea what He is trying to show me. That I am not supposed to be here anymore or what?

In a real struggle...

Emotions at a High...

The last few days have been emotional and trying for me. I am a bundle of tears. I can't stand when all I do is cry.

I thought today was going to be better since Sunday was a bit better. Turns out I was wrong.

Went to one of my many doctor appointments for the week (I have one appointment every day this week and two on some of the days). It was my OB check with my regular doctor. I had to tell her I wasn't sure if I was going to be coming back or not due to the insurance issue.

She had me talk to the office manager. The office manager was going to try and get the medicaid for me or at least find out what can be done. She had me call her after I got home to give her the case managers name and number. Not sure she would get anywhere but it is worth a try I guess...

They are both worried about me not having my prescription and not seeing the doctor due to the current risk. I agree but not much I can do about it right now.

I also got an email from Ken today. He decided he was going to file a motion for lack of payment from child support and rent. He has been trying to reach Melanie and she is not responding. He has called and sent emails to her and has heard nothing back from her. It has been a month and two days since our mediation hearing. Todd still has not gotten back to anyone about the life insurance or the retirement fund information.

I was ready to just give up and give in on Saturday. Sunday wasn't much better. Yet here I am today - still kicking.

I just keep so much in because I have no words for what goes on and then everything bad seems to pile on at once. Then I lose it.

I try to take things a day at a time. Actually most days I try and take things a moment at a time. Yet I seem to fail at even that.

I am not feeling like a very good parent right now. I actually am feeling like a failure right now. I can not do fun things with the kids; well at least what they feel is fun. I just struggle because I have nothing but time and love to give them.

Okay so what is wrong with that you ask? Nothing is wrong with that really but on week nights I don't have much time to give them. We work on school work, I make dinner, we eat dinner, I clean up and then it is time for the kids to get ready for bed. So the question really is - do I spend quality time with them or not?

It has just been a rough few days is all....

It Just Keeps on Getting Better....

This is what came in the mail today:

A letter from DHS. I had applied for Medicaid because Todd let me know he wasn't paying insurance anymore. I was approved with a $405.00 monthly spend down.

A letter from DHS. The kids are approved but it is going to cost me $15.00 a month per child.

A letter from DHS. My food stamps are gone because after reviewing my income I make to much.

A letter from DHS. They have reviewed everything on my account and due to the income I am supposed to be getting between the disability and child support I qualify for zero help.

I am getting no more than I was 7 months ago. I am 27 weeks pregnant and without insurance. I don't have $405.00 a month to spend on doctor appointments and medication. The medication I take monthly costs $4000.00 roughly for the lovenox.

Here is what I get every month:

$998.00 in disability

Here is what I am supposed to also get:

$267.00 in child support
$544.00 in child support

Here is what I pay out each month:

$640.00 for rent
$33.00 for gas
$71.00 for electric
$96.00 for car insurance
$30.05 for phone
$50.00 for cell
$37.00 for cable/internet
$80.00 for therapy for Kyle

Here is what I don't pay out each month:

All my credit card payments
I am not going to have to pay for my scripts anymore

I don't have any answers anymore. I have been trying to get a job and I can't even get a job at McDonalds because of the weight limitations.

I have not even put everything on here. Cable/Internet, phone and some of Kyle's therapy is going to have to go. Well then again - if I am paying for MiChild for the boys - hopefully they will help with the therapy some.

I won't be going to the doctors anymore after this month is over. I am a high risk pregnancy and can no longer afford care.

Yup I deserve this child...

I have...

I have been watching a friend of mine endure an abusive/controlling relationship and even though her husband was my friend prior to her being my friend - I am beginning to hate him. Strong word I know but I really am. I am nice to him because she is married to him but the crap he is doing - because of the crap I have dealt with - is making it so much harder to do.

I have been trying to allow my son to be the 14 year old he wants to be; to a certain extent. Yet he isn't following through with his end of things and so it makes it hard for me to allow him to do all the extra things. Then I am blamed for what is going on.

I have been falling deeper and deeper in love with Jack. What is wrong with this you ask? Nothing but my fears from my past come up and bite me and then I get insecure. What happens when I get insecure - I worry about all that might go wrong. My emotions go nutty and I struggle to enjoy what is actually taking place right now in the moment.

I have been worried about what being bipolar means. I know what it means. I know what it does to me. I know what I have gone through because of it. The questions that are there and that are creeping in and the worry that is around is because of Jack. I am a very emotional being. I can hold a job; part time but full time overwhelms me. I have done much better at the implusivity that goes with it because I know where that destruction leads to. Yet what if that old me; the one who isn't in control with meds (since I am not on any right now due to pregnancy); comes out and rears that ugly head?! Jack won't stick around for that crazy person - to be honest no one ever should have but most men did; yet I know deep down Jack won't. How do I explain this person to him just in case she does come around? How can I promise myself or him that she won't show up? I can't and that is my fear...

I have been sick since starting on the celexa. Wondering if it is worth the things I am going through and what might happen to Isabella while I take this. I can't get rid of the upset stomach and the headache. Yet the depression is so much that I know I need something. What do I do?! Just suffer and keep on going and hoping that the side effects stop soon...

I have been wondering about Christmas. Yup it is only September and it is already on my mind. Not that the boys need a ton of things but with the baby and all the things she needs; I just stress over money. I have a goal; already have a list made out and plan on getting one thing per boy per month from now until December. Of course that is not going to be the easiest thing to do but it can be done. I am hoping it can be done. I have it figured out in my head but will reality match my figures?

I have a friend whom I love dearly. I have been worried about the stress she is under. She means the world to me. We have spoken on the phone, she has sang a song to me and we speak via IM. We have never met in person but she is just amazing as a person. She kept me strong and going even when we were not in touch. There is just something about her that exudes love and life and energy. So to see her struggling makes me very sad. I love you girl! *hugs and kisses*

September 15, 2007

Does anyone know what today is?

I would have been celebrating 7 years of marriage today.

Instead I look at my bank account and wonder how am I going to provide what the boys needs.
Instead I look around my apartment and wonder how I let myself end up here.
Instead I look at myself and think about how far behind on bills I am and wonder why it has to be this way.

Instead of celebrating this day - I will spend it trying to figure out how to fix what has gone so wrong over the past year and how to prevent ever ending up in a divorce again...

Feeling Somewhat Caught Up.....

So this month because I don't have the insurance payment to make - I am going to be able to get my bills caught up.

Of course this does not include my credit card bills or my lawyer but my normal every day bills will be caught up.

I can not wait until the divorce is final and I am able to remove Todd from my car insurance bill. Because he is won't remove himself and because I can't remove himself I pay about $25 more a month due to his unpaid medical bills.

That $25 could really be put to use for other things! Like this year when rent goes up by $20.

Oh well - just a day at a time... Most of the time these days it is a moment at a time!

Just Life...

Well it is official for the next year I am going to be staying here. It really does make me sad. I don't want to be doing this alone. I know he keeps on saying I won't be doing this alone but I will be or at least feel like I am right now.


Between the lack of sleep with Kyle and his homework and then Adam's school work and then adding Isabella to that. Wow - I get tired even thinking about it.


Why do I have such a hard time crying in front of others? I wanted to cry so badly last night and I did when I sat in the bathroom - alone - but I could not cry while laying there with Jack. I had tears that came and went but I could not cry. Actually I have a pretty good idea why I can't cry or don't allow myself to cry. Maybe someday I will work through this but until I feel completely safe and trust anyone I can't.


When I used to cry 9 out of 10 times Todd would tell me to knock it off or to leave the room for whatever reason. So I have gotten good at not crying when I feel like it. I can cry with someone on the phone no problem - because they are not right there. Maybe I have trained myself to only cry in the bathroom since that is where I went most of the time to cry - lol.


Yesterday was a bittersweet day. I sold my last piece of jewelery so I can get the kids some of the things they need for school. Knowing for the last year I have done it on my own; even if it has been with selling things - is kind of nice. Yet yesterday I sold my last piece of jewelery and child support is just not forthcoming.


I have been looking for a part time job I can do while the boys are in school. Of course school hasn't started yet but I haven't been offered a job yet either. Then though I have to worry about daycare for Isabella after she is born, the phone calls from the school for Kyle, having to be at school for Kyle, giving up helping at Adam's school and the list goes on.


In the end though it comes down to the fact that I need the extra $860 a month. I was making it just fine until I was not working at my job and it has been 6 months now. I just need to get a job and then pray everything else works out - because it has to work out.


The summer is coming to an end and I have done nothing special with the boys. We have done the park - many times but all the things they ask about doing - we just have not done. I guess it is better that they know they are not doing these things though. Todd was famous for promising things and then taking it away the day of us going or forgetting he said we would go and then making other plans with friends or something like that.


We have been gone a little over a year now and here we are stuck. Still in an apartment. The kids without a pet (it just bothers me). Me without a job. I am pregnant. Still have no clue how to deal with Kyle and the information just keeps on piling on. Financial worries up the wazoo and they are going to get worse once the divorce is final.


I am grateful I got the courage to leave - it was 3 years coming before I actually walked out the door but I did leave. The best thing for me is I never went looking for someone to rescue me. Not that any man has ever rescued me but they have all promised to take care of me and I have let them and then the price is so steep.


So for me knowing that right now even with life not being the best it makes me feel somewhat better. I actually love someone and it is a healthy feeling; just wish he could be here more...


Such is life...

Job

I have an opportunity for a job. I have orientation/interview tomorrow evening. It is for something I have wanted to do for a long time but never was able to afford the training classes/license.

So I am going to go tomorrow night with an open mind. Hoping that maybe there is a way to do it this time even though I am on my own.

I am not going to get into details right now but it is on Tuesday the 7th @ 7:30.

So if you pray - please do....

Does it Ever Get Better?

So once again things go from being okay to being screwed.

I went into my bank account today and the last two child support payments have been removed. Which put my bank account near negative and the six bills I paid with it are now putting me negative. Plus the money for 3 of them which sort of cleared overdraft fees from the bank.

There are still 3 outstanding ones which mean - I am going to have 3 more overdraft fees totalling another $102 not including what the bills come to.

I give up. I am feeling beyond broken right now.

Where am I going to come up with over $300 right now? I have sold everything I can - I have nothing left to sell.

What a Screw Up....

My day has been once again filled with tears. I just can't win. I spent time on the phone today with my creditors I am not able to pay. Of course they are all credit cards or what not.

By the last call I was in tears. This lady was telling me she didn't care what I had to do but I had better come up with $77 by the end of the month. I am 60 days away from the account being charged off and being sent to their attorneys and then they will just garnish my wages and that is 25% of whatever I earn.

I told her I could not work outside of the home - I am not getting any money. Explained the story to them yet once again. Explained the money I get is disability and that I am doing my best but I just don't have it.

She started to yell at me telling me she was just going to recommend my account be sent to their attorneys now because it is obvious to her I never intended to pay this account since when I opened the credit card I was already on disability and had no way to pay. I tried to tell her I was paying it on time and in full every month and I did intend to pay but she just kept going on and on. Telling me how wrong I am and I was wrong to charge this stuff and I was in tears.

She would not listen to me and I ended up hanging up on her. Then I tried to call the original person back and they would no longer accept calls from my number.

I have tried and tried and now for sure - my credit that took me so long to freakin repair is gone again...

I am feeling like one hell of a loser right now. I am thinking more and more I should just give this baby up. I can't even take care of my current bills - what is going to change. I always seem to be in the same boat all the time. A person who can't pay her bills - who ruins her credit - who will never have a house or a family the way it should be.

Frustration

I left my husband over 10 months ago now. It hasn't been easy but when I left - I told him why I was leaving and what he had to do in order for us to come back home. He never read the whole letter - said it was just a repeat of what I always said and there was no need for him to read the whole thing.

It is a shame that he never read the whole letter. It really was to be the starting point of where things went for our marriage. Either he understood why the things needed to be done or he decided he didn't care and the marriage was over.

For 10 months now he has thought that this is just a break. Being apart would fix what went wrong with us. This is even after I filed for divorce. Are people really that caught up in their own world that they don't realize how serious some people are?

I was doing just fine and making it on my own until my blood clot. After I lost my job I felt like I lost a part of me. Depression really started to set in then. It hasn't seemed to let us since that point.

Most of my worries at this point reside in finances. I realized yesterday that I have 3 months to come up with a down payment or first months rent/deposit for some place new to live. Then after that I have 2 months to come up with money for all of the things I need for the baby. Where is this money going to come from?

Each month I have to pick and choose what to pay. I have not paid a single credit card since February. I am kicking myself right now. I spent 9 years digging myself out of the whole I put myself in when I was 18. When I left Todd I had great credit. I was paying everything on time. I had no problems with what was going on. There was no picking and choosing what to pay - even without the child support coming in.

Maybe my depression is from the fact that I feel like everyone was right. Here I am once again putting myself into a hole. Here I am once again not able to make it on my own. Here I am once again in way over my head. Here I am once again a failure.

Yet the difference is this time - I am not looking for some guy to come and save me. So maybe I am not as big of a failure as I feel like because even if I am failing - I am doing it on my own. I don't need anyone to save me - I need to save myself and dig myself out.

Some days are really hard. The days I have to tell my children I would love to do that but can't because we can't afford it. How sad is it to tell your children you can't afford a donut or to go to the park (because of gas). I don't even share anymore because I don't want people to feel sorry for me. I actually have started to avoid people because I hate hearing why don't you go here (example - many have suggested I drive to a movie theater in the city because it is a great view of the fireworks) or there or do this with the boys or that with the boys and I don't want to be honest with them about why I don't or more so can't.

I left my husband 10 months ago. I left my marriage in January. I struggle daily and he thrives (okay so maybe he isn't thriving but it feels like it most of the time). I sit in this tiny apartment and he has our house. I can't pay my bills and he is buying expensive toys for our son. I lost my lawyer and he is going to get everything he wanted and more. I can't pay for my medication and he is having no problems paying for his.

I have $1.08 to my name, no gas in my car, no money for my medication, no money for cough medicine for my son, and depression to boot. I keep on looking for the positive side of things but I am struggling to find it.

So please just pray that I find that positive.

One Day at a Time...

One day at a time. That is what I do. That is how I manage. In two days we will have been gone for 10 months. In ten months I do not feel as if I have gotten very far with my life.

We have an apartment. I am doing my best to provide for my boys. I have another baby on the way. I have filed for divorce and pretty much gotten no where with it. I have had to sell all my jewelry to survive. I have lost my job and struggled month to month since that time. I haven't been paying all my bills. My credit has gone from excellent to poor. I have been looking for jobs that I can do from home (found one and was approved but now other things are in the way - like lack of money for the things I need for it - but I am not giving up hope). I have aged about 5 years.

Yesterday was another breaking point for me. I spent a good portion of the day crying. It was a money stressing day for me.

This is how my month goes - I get my disability and I pay my rent, gas, electric, and car insurance. Then the rest of my bills are paid if I get anything from child support for the month. At this point the only child support I am getting is from my oldest sons dad and that is never a consistent thing.

I was fine and making it on my own - paying all my bills and doing just great until February when I got the DVT. Then between my oldest issues and me being gone from work and then being put on bed-rest for the DVT - I lost my job and lost my hope of making it on my own.

Now each month I wonder where money is going to come from. I used to share what I was going through - not for sympathy or anything like that but because keeping it inside was killing me. Now I just keep it all in because everyone tries to tell me how to resolve my current issue and I have already gone through all those things. I have tried all the help I can get and because of my disability I get - I make too much money. It is no wonder this country has as many financial problems as it does - what they expect people to live on is insane (a family of three can make no more than $473 a month - how does a family of ONE live on that?!). So instead of going through and explaining things over and over again - I just keep it all to myself.

My soon-to-be-ex is making things very hard for me. He has decided he is going to take me to court over child support (again). In his words yesterday (mind you I haven't gotten anything from him since being gone), "I have no problem paying child support for (youngest son) but you are NOT to use it for your bills. I have no problem paying as long as I get receipts for what you are spending my money on because your bills have nothing to do with (youngest son)." So not only do I not get paid while I was gone from August to February - I am still not getting paid because he keeps on finding ways to postpone paying.

Does life ever get easy? I just want one day without worry about money and how I am going to keep going...