Am I a Blogger or Not?!

I love to write. I love to blog. I need to get things out to work things out. I am someone who must put it down in order to really sort through it.

So why did I stop blogging?

I seem to live in fear. Fear of saying things, fear of doing things, fear of what will happen if I speak my mind.

Where did all of this come from? How did I become this person living like this?

So for me - I want to get back to blogging. Life has it ups and downs and for me - to work through them - I need to write...

So keep your eyes open because Blogging Amy is back (I hope)...

Rough Day...

I might go into details later but all I can say right now is today has been a rough day.

Christmas...

Ahhh it is getting to be time for the Christmas season...

It has been a very stressful week for me. I have been dealing with Todd and his insanity. I am doing my best to be fair and give him what he wants but it just isn't going to happen.

I am being fair but it isn't going to be what he wants and to be honest - I am at the point of not caring. I tried to get in touch with him and work with him all the way back in October and he refused to do so. That isn't my fault and I am not going to feel bad about it anymore.

At first I was feeling guilty about it but not anymore. He made his choices and now because of them - he isn't going to have Adam for his whole family Christmas. The schedule is fair to Adam because it splits his time 50/50 between Todd and myself.

All I can ask is that people pray because this visitation stuff is getting more and more mucked up. He is never happy with what is offered and then blames me. I can't deal with it anymore.

I am going to put myself in labor early. I have been having contractions like mad. During the day they are very sporadic but at night - I have them about every 15 minutes or so.

ARG COMPUTERS!!!!!

No pictures today.

Nothing all to detailed today. Although I wish I had the time because a lot has been on my mind lately.

My computer went down yesterday morning. I got my blog updated, checked my email and went to go restart my computer and it crashed on me.

So I am taking it into Best Buy once again and praying it is something that is under warranty. Please be under warranty or I will be without a computer for a very long time!

I am at the library right now which is fine. Just wanted to let all of you know (since so many read this blog - LOL) that I won't be updating until I have a computer back. I might jump on here from time to time while at the library but with the limited amount of time you have - I am not sure I would be able to go into detail like I want at this point.

So - that is it. I am without a computer once again - second time in a year! Sometimes I love technology and other times - I can't stand it.

Bet you can guess what time it is right now!

Frustration

My life seems to run in circle. I try to not be frustrated with the way things go but it is hard not to be.

I have so many things going on right now that I get overwhelmed with getting anything complete.

I have finally got all the information I need for the application for the Section 8 Housing. Does not mean I will be approved or even make it off the waiting list prior to moving next year. Yet I at least have it filled out and ready to be turned in. Of course they are not open today but still - it is ready for tomorrow.

I called Michigan Department of Human Services to let them know my rent is going up and child support went down. Of course they are closed today as well so I left a message with my case worker. We will see what happens. I just need to know where to send the new and improved information or if I have to fill out a whole new application. I am hoping I can just send a copy of the new rental agreement and not have to fill the whole thing of paperwork out again.

I finally got an email from Keith. This would be Kyle's dad. Now back when I was in the hospital he moved to the Philippians. I sent him a message asking for him information; as in address and phone and had not heard back from him. I finally got a message back today letting me know he is home, living with his mom and dad again and without a job. Well don't rush to contact your son. I mean he is only your son. I guess I just know how to pick the right men to be fathers!

Had to work on filling out paperwork for Adam for his Free/Reduced lunch program. Apparently the state randomly picks so many children from each school district each year to make sure they are telling the truth about their income. So then you have to go through this whole verification process. Well I turned it all in when I filled out the papers; like I do each year. The State happened to pick Adam this year and the school can not find the paperwork I submitted at the beginning of the year. So that means - I have to get it all from each agency AND have it to them by the 15th of this month. I have been trying but don't have the exact stuff they need. So I would like to scream because Adam and Kyle could potentially lose this program because I don't have the proper paperwork to turn in.

What else is there going on that is frustrating. The whole court process. I have a letter I need to send to Friend of the Court about the whole Todd situation. I need to get that in the mail by tomorrow. (please pray my printer has enough ink in it to print it out the right way) I have the letter done but for some reason I am just worried I didn't say enough or said to much. I am not sure to be honest. I have huge concerns with Todd right now. He is saying he wants Adam more than 50% of the time and yet he is claiming at the same time he can't work because of how ill he is. Okay - so why in the heck is he driving with Adam then? If his illness is progress that quickly - how is he caring for Adam? I am worried. Maybe I need to ask for supervised visitations at this point. Maybe that is an over-reaction. I just don't know.

Then there is the SI I applied for with the boys. I know I am probably just over-reacting here but she said if I didn't have a check by the 10th then they are probable denied. Okay so it is a holiday for the government this weekend/today because of Veterans day. Yet it is the 12th and there has been nothing from anyone so far. So I have $2.88 in my bank account, very little food, no gas in the car and a $300 script I need to get next week (or I will probably end up in the hospital again). So because most things do not work the way I hope for - I am going to just call it good and say they didn't get it. That way when the denial letter does come - I don't have so much disappointment.

So there is most of my frustration right now. It does not fully cover it all but I am pretty sure you have a good idea as to what is going on in my life. I keep on saying it has to get better but to be honest - I am not so sure I really believe that at all.

Hard Decisions...

Everyone in life has hard decisions to make. No one can judge how difficult something is for someone else; especially if they are not in their shoes.

I left what I considered to be an abusive relationship. Maybe others did not feel it was but I felt it was. It took me a long time to get up the courage to leave him.

In the time it took me to get the courage up to leave him; he became sick. His leg started to have issues and we dealt with many doctors and specialists. At the time I left I had no idea what he had. They had ruled out ALS (Lou-Gehrig's Disease) and were leaning towards MS. I though didn't really believe it; still felt it might be ALS.

I am not a doctor but in my gut - I had a feeling. Then earlier this year he was diagnosed with it. I had not even been gone a year.

It was not easy to walk out the door with feeling like something more than MS was going on with him. Yet I had to do it.

Now here I am going through a divorce and being made to feel guilty by him. He is alone and I abandoned him in his time of need.

We all have difficult decisions that have to be made. Some are more difficult than others but they are each persons difficulties.

What do you do with those guilty feelings though after all is said and done? Some days are harder than others but how do you make it through...

Clarity...

So some things have become clear.

1. Not everyone sees the problem with what Todd is asking. Don't get me wrong - it would be great to have some extra income each month BUT what he is asking is unrealistic. $1700 a month is insane. There are 6 bedroom homes on a lake in our town that are only asking for $1250 a month! There is a home on the same street this house is on that is asking $1100 a month and that includes snow removal and lawn maintenance in the summer time. The home on that road also has 1 more bedroom and is brand new on the inside and outside over the past 2 years.

2. He deals with me in a very passive aggressive manor and he does not get to control my life anymore. I do not have to answer to him. I have told him flat out whom I was dealing with and whom he needed to give his figures to. He is not going to be the one to say what we do anymore - the home needs to be sold and it needs to be on both of our terms - not his and his parents terms.

3. I shared this with a bunch of women on another website. They helped me to see how insane all of this is. He is very controlling. He isn't in this reality. He is kind of delusional about a lot of things and that is okay - it is his life and his mental state - not mine.

4. I am actually happy. Okay so depression sucks and I have been very depressed. Yet in the long run - I am not having to answer to Todd. I don't have to tell him where my money goes. I don't have to tell him where I am going. I don't have to talk to him about anything other than Adam. I don't have to tell him whom I am hanging out with. I don't need his permission to stay up. I don't need his permission before buying certain foods. I don't need his permission for ANYTHING! That makes me much happier even with this looming depression than I have been in 10 years!

5. I might be bipolar but I am normal! I have my ups and downs but I am normal. I am a normal bipolar person...

There is so much more I could write but for now - this is it...

My Days....

Well so much is going on right now that my life is in a tailspin.

Kyle didn't get into the school. I am working on taking things a day at a time.

Tomorrow is mediation. I just have very little to say. I would love to agree to whatever but I won't. I am still not getting child support on a regular basis and he is still hiding behind his company.

Depression is an overwhelming thing in my life right now. Day in and day out. I am having a hard time to getting anything done. All the way from getting up and out of bed in the morning to getting laundry and dishes done.

I have pretty much come to accept that I am just going to be staying here doing it myself. Jack will be around but for the most part - since 5 people can't live here - and we can't afford to be anywhere else it is just going to be as it is. With her coming we will just make due.

I wish it didn't add to my depression but it does. I know I won't be alone so to speak but I feel like it.

I have gotten so good at hiding what I feel that well - it doesn't matter much anymore.

I need to find a job so that I can afford something but I am afraid to get a job when Kyle and his schooling is a full time job. Plus now lets add this new baby and well - the thought of all of it is just overwhelming me.

If I had a job I am sure we would be just fine. I guess I just have to figure out how to make every thing work; job, kyle, adam, isabella, the house, and myself.

Weekend Thoughts....

What a weekend. There were a few times I wondered what in the heck to think but for the most part - the weekend helped with a lot of things.


I saw Jack a few times. Had emotional break-downs (man how I hate the hormonal surges that cause the crying for no reason). In the end though things were said that I needed to know.


Housing situation is still getting to me. I am thinking a "house" would be to much right now. Yet I don't want to stay here. I have been looking at modular homes but the problem is the amount needed down for one. Having spent all my savings I don't even have money to move into another apartment. There are still a couple I am going to call on anyway - just to see what they have to say...


Frustrated with Todd and his antics. He called last night at 6:30 to tell me they were still a hour and a half away and had not had dinner (Adam was supposed to be home by 7). I wanted to blow but I told him he needed to be home by 8:30. Well 8:30 gets here and he is calling asking if he can take him home because he needs help unloading things. I explain that I want him home at 7 so I can start getting him back into a school schedule and he is like, "I understand" but yet he didn't get him home until 9:20 last night. I am soooooooo tired of this crap. I give and he takes and takes and takes and thinks it is all fine.


So now for me - what do I do with what is going on in my life? I have written about this before but it is true. I am the queen of sabotaging my own life. This weekend makes me more than anything want to change that but I have no idea how. I stay guarded and I need to move beyond that. No one who is in my life right now is anyone from my past and I need to give them the benefit of the doubt that they are not going to be those from my past.


My divorce is taking forever. Not that I really expected things to be done and better and fixed by now but he is just dragging things out. He isn't getting his way and there are reasons for it. He wants Adam all the time and he says he will abide by the rules set for the school yet and yet he can't even get Adam home on time now. I don't trust him. My divorce is hindering my ability to move forward....


Technically speaking - I am married on paper. Our marriage was over long ago though. I tried and tried and tried to make things work and to fix things but I was doing it wrong. When I left I had hope things could still be salvaged - after a few months of him not changing - I knew that it was true - our marriage was over. I still care and love him but not like you should.


Now though - my heart belongs to another. There is a relationship there. Is it wrong that I am still married on paper - yes but in the end the marriage was over before this friendship even started.


Now to make it through the divorce and navigate through this new stuff.

Update....

Alright it has been a while - a week actually I think.

We had an ultrasound last week Friday and we got nothing. The little bean sat with the legs crossed and unmoving the whole time. Don't get me wrong - the baby was moving; arms, head, twirling around and all of that but the legs were locked and it wasn't showing.

Of course I kind of predicted that this would happen. I said to Jack that this baby would keep it a secret just because the boys showed all and I didn't want to know. So because I want to know with this one - I figured I wouldn't get the chance.

Not to much has gone one really. I was showering last Friday, got light-headed, went to sit down and ended up passing out I guess. I was saying I just fell but that isn't true because I was about sitting and then I was on the ground. The light-headed thing is a normal thing for me while pregnant but I usually catch it in enough time that I don't worry about it. I wasn't all to worried about it either until Saturday morning when I woke up with cramping and a bit of bleeding. So I called the doctor's office and they sent me to the ER.

Just how I wanted to spend my Saturday - in the ER. It wasn't much fun really... They did a reverse ultrasound to see if I was bleeding because of the lovenox. Found I have a bladder infection, kidney stones and a blood clot that should resolve itself by weeks end now that I am on a therapeutic level of the lovenox again.

I have been discovering how hard it is to not let the past affect the future. I am doing my best to remember Jack is Jack - he isn't my past - right now he is my present. I find myself still being the person I was before...

Everything was my own. I had to figure it out on my own. I needed to go to the ER - don't bother telling - just go and get it done with. Need surgery - tell me what day so I can take 1/2 a day off to take you to and from the hospital if you can't find someone else. You have bills to pay - take care of them. I am sure you get the picture of what it was like - I was on my own.

So for me - telling Jack anything is always an after thought. I need to work on changing that because my intention isn't to hurt him or upset him or make him mad but I have just been on my own even when I was with someone.

Change - slowly but surely I will get there.

Missing People...

There are people I miss in my life - even if I get to see them. Why do I have such a hard time telling those people that I want to see them because I miss them?

I am not one who ever wants to be vulnerable. I do not want to seem like I need or want someone in my life. I am not a person who likes others to see my weaknesses.

Is this a struggle that a lot of people have or is it something that is brought on by the life we lead?

I guess I need to learn how to be vulnerable and tell those around me that I would like to see them because I miss them. It isn't easy and I am sure it won't happen overnight either. I just need to work towards it I guess...

Craziness

I have a few blogs around here but none of them have been updated in a long time now. I decided to start a new one because I am not sure I want to be found. If someone finds me whom I know it will be okay but I am not out looking for it.

I left my husband on August 24, 2006. It was a rainy night actually. He left to go and play golf and it was only sprinkling at that point. My girlfriend came over and helped me get a few things out of the house - put the kids in the car as it started to pour - and we left for a women's shelter.

Since that time a lot of things have gone on that I am sure I will get to talking about sooner or later. Yet since the point I left my life has been full of craziness.

I have realize what kind of person I was and who I am becoming. I have seen where I went wrong with my children. I have seen where I have gone wrong in general.

My husband was and is a manipulator. He uses our youngest son to make me feel bad. He uses him to make my mind twist and turn and I lose track of what sanity I have. We left over 9 months ago and he still was able to control me.

When I left him I believed in God and I still do but not like I did. I have lost faith in many ways. It isn't His fault though - He never faltered or stepped away - it was I who did that. But still I question how He could allow things like this to happen to people. God has always allowed bad things to happen to people but those who have so much faith still believe in Him. So does that mean I am not one of those people?

I have been trying to sort through all of the things that go on and it isn't easy. When I look in the mirror all I hear are those things he said to me. I struggle daily with the things inside my head. I am sure I will never be normal in that aspect - I work on it and replacing what I hear and see but I am not sure it will ever be gone.

So for those of you who stumble across this - welcome. This is pretty much just going to be a dissection of my life as I know it - the craziness in my world - and where (if ever) will I find my home...