Do You Ever Feel Like One of These?

Are you in need of Courage, Heart or Brain?

Today I am feeling like:

If I only had a brain!

Been a Few....

Have been struggling with a lot of things lately. Mainly the past. It just never seems to go away. I try to deal with it. I try to let it go and yet - I am with someone and they say something and it all comes back to me...

I have heard in the past few days things that just remind me of how needy I am. I had thought that it was just Todd who was impossible to please who wanted to be alone all the time who could not deal with me. I guess I was wrong.

I have heard things about finances that just make me wonder what I a getting myself into. Is it possible that I am dealing with someone just as selfish as before?

There really is so much more but I m trying to just block it out. It isn't easy to do and when things happen I find myself shutting down. Do I want to shut down - not really but I realize I have no clue how to communicate with anyone anymore.

After years of keeping it all in - I have no clue how to communicate effectively with anyone. Yeah I can have small conversations but when it comes to how things make me feel - I can't do it. I am to afraid of how it will make someone else feel or how they will respond or how they won't respond or what will be said. I am afraid to open my mouth for fear of confrontation.

Almost every conversation with Todd lead to confrontation. I felt as if I had to "defend" myself and I hate that feeling. I do not like to confront anyone over anything. Ever - and it does not seem to matter why or what it is about; even if it has nothing to do with another person and it is strictly about myself.

What happens when you think you know someone but find you don't know them at all?

Are You Done Yet?

Last night was interesting to say the least. I have always been a very sexual person. I enjoy being with the person I am with. If they know what they are doing; it is very enjoyable. If they take the time to get to know you; it is very enjoyable. If you take the time to do the same for you are you are; how can you go wrong?!

Well last night I went wrong. You would think it is not possible but I did...

I climbed into bed after Kyle and I had words and hit my head on the headboard; hard. I was in instant tears with an instant headache. Not how I had envisioned my night going since Jack was over.

He came into the room and laid down and asked me what was wrong and what went on with Kyle. I talked to him. He just sat there and held me and we talked.

Then he was getting ready to leave and I didn't want him to go just yet so I know how to keep him here; sex... Gosh I am such a manipulating person but at least he was going to get something from staying...

We get started with lots of foreplay like we normally do. Well that is not totally true - I was feeling sick and would not let him touch me - I tried but it was not gonna happen for me.

Then he asked if we could have sex because the touching was uncomfortable and I said we could try.

We did try and at about the 3 minute mark (if we got that far) I look at him and go, "Are you done yet?" and then I burst into laughter at myself. Said I am so sorry - and started to laugh again at myself. What a mood killer and everything killer!

I just have an overwhelming nausea feeling and well I could have come about asking in a much different way but didn't.

Talk about killing a guys ego! Talk about putting the foot in the mouth!

I don't know what in the heck I was thinking! Oh wait - I wasn't...

Have got to love the combination of pregnancy, emotions, and the pregnancy brain!

Clarity...

So some things have become clear.

1. Not everyone sees the problem with what Todd is asking. Don't get me wrong - it would be great to have some extra income each month BUT what he is asking is unrealistic. $1700 a month is insane. There are 6 bedroom homes on a lake in our town that are only asking for $1250 a month! There is a home on the same street this house is on that is asking $1100 a month and that includes snow removal and lawn maintenance in the summer time. The home on that road also has 1 more bedroom and is brand new on the inside and outside over the past 2 years.

2. He deals with me in a very passive aggressive manor and he does not get to control my life anymore. I do not have to answer to him. I have told him flat out whom I was dealing with and whom he needed to give his figures to. He is not going to be the one to say what we do anymore - the home needs to be sold and it needs to be on both of our terms - not his and his parents terms.

3. I shared this with a bunch of women on another website. They helped me to see how insane all of this is. He is very controlling. He isn't in this reality. He is kind of delusional about a lot of things and that is okay - it is his life and his mental state - not mine.

4. I am actually happy. Okay so depression sucks and I have been very depressed. Yet in the long run - I am not having to answer to Todd. I don't have to tell him where my money goes. I don't have to tell him where I am going. I don't have to talk to him about anything other than Adam. I don't have to tell him whom I am hanging out with. I don't need his permission to stay up. I don't need his permission before buying certain foods. I don't need his permission for ANYTHING! That makes me much happier even with this looming depression than I have been in 10 years!

5. I might be bipolar but I am normal! I have my ups and downs but I am normal. I am a normal bipolar person...

There is so much more I could write but for now - this is it...

Scattered Thoughts

Some days are good and some are bad. Being pregnant and the hormones are tiring at times. I try to have more good days than bad but lately it has been hard to do.

I am wanting the divorce to be over with. Technically right now it can be over with. It is not because I can not get Todd to agree to anything it seems. He has two things he wants and it leaves me with nothing. I can not agree to that. So something has come to light and I think I might be able to apply this for us to move forward. I am praying about it but this has been on my mind for a long while. I guess I just have to find out how to approach it.

I am going to be 20 weeks as of tomorrow. Still don't know if it is a boy or girl. Have another ultrasound on the 17th of August and am hoping that the bean cooperates. I guess we don't have to know but I would like to know so I don't get everything just neutral; which is what I get now when I have the money.

Looking for patience and peace. I seem to be lacking in those things right now. Not really lacking in patience but lacking in the waiting for things to fall into place. I want answers now and of course that isn't going to happen - I have to wait.

Someone reminded me that God knew this baby was coming and it is a blessing - even if it isn't the best circumstances. Lately I really needed that reminder.

If you want something specific to pray for - pray for finances to fall into place and a home for all of us to fall into place.

Another Day in the Life of Confusion...

This is just going to be another blog full of nothing. I have a lot running around in my brain the past couple of days and even though I have written some of it down - it is still all up there...

Just feeling like I am working through nothing lately. My past is all coming out. Jack will say things and he is joking but it brings back the past. I wish I could just forget it all like I used to do but that doesn't leave much of a person - just a shell.

About three weeks ago I realized how much I care about Jack. From the beginning I have really liked this guy. Have no idea why but I really did. Attempted to cut it off a couple of times with him actually but always went back to him. I drove my girlfriends nuts when I would cut it off with him and not talk to him - I was not a fun person to be around. All I did was cry. A man I barely knew and I felt like I was losing something huge from my life. Yet three weeks ago - I realized I loved him. I mean I really realized I wanted him in my life forever.

Even with everything that has gone on in my life I want him in my life forever?! Makes me wonder what the heck is inside of my head about right now.

In the movie "The Break-Up" there is a scene in the movie when Gary (Vince Vaughn) is talking to his friend the bartender. The friend says something along the lines of she gave you her all and she never had a chance - you never let anyone get close to you - so she never had a chance with you. That is the story of my life. I find men who can't/won't open up and give there heart.

So then I have to ask myself why do I stay? Why do I allow myself to get hurt and fall for this?

Before I was never told, "I have been hurt and I won't do it again." Yet Jack has been upfront and honest with me from the beginning. He has told me he doesn't want anything right now because of his past. So why didn't I protect myself?

So what do I do now is the question... Do I just keep on going with what we have now? Funny thing is I have no idea what we have right now. Do I distance myself from him? I don't want to but in the end would it save my heart?

You know my life is a wreck. My past has made me who I am and I can't stand it. I live with the fear of rejection. Yet maybe I picked him because I was rejected before I even had a chance with him. Can't be rejected by someone who tells you flat out you will have nothing.

While married I was rejected so much I put a wall up. I stopped asking for things I wanted or needed. I just hoped at some point they would happen - couldn't hurt from the excuses that way.

My soon-to-be-ex used to complain about time I asked for with him. I would hear things like, "I just spent last night with you and now you want more? You are a sponge who never fills up. I give you something and you want more and more and more. You are never satisfied with what you are given."

My soon-to-be-ex used to complain about sex when I tried to have it with him. I heard a lot of things about why we could not do it.

How do you move past the past? How do you not let it affect you anymore?

There are some things I won't ever bend on. I am a jealous person. I can't stand seeing husbands, wives, significant others, boyfriends, girlfriends - flirting with others. I rips at the core of me. Why would you want to flirt with someone who doesn't belong to you (in so many words)? Why would you want to hurt the person you are with? I am a one man women and the guy I am with better be a one women man. I won't tolerate that stuff.

Porn - strippers - strip clubs - you go there and you lose a part of me. If it is for a friends bachelor party - you still lose a part of me. If you are with someone that should be the only person you want to see and want to be with and if you are afraid of what your friends will think by not going - it is your loss because you lose a part of me. I won't leave you in the physical sense of the word but emotionally and possible sexually you have lost me.

When I look over my life I have never been treated like a person should be. There was the occasional flowers or Christmas gift but the things that meant so much to me where never there.

Some lyrics come to mind and it is how I feel:

"I ain't settling for anything less than everything"

which is in the song Settlin' by Sugarland

and

"Cause' I don't wanna' spend my life jaded

Waiting to wake up one day and find

That I've let all these years go by

Wasted

Oh I don't wanna' keep on wishing, missing

The still of the morning, the color of the night

I ain't spending no more time

Wasted"

which is in the song Wasted by Carrie Underwood

Weekend

This blog is going to be scattered. My brain is still scattered so just try and bear with me on this day...

It wasn't a busy weekend for me. To be honest it never is a busy weekend for me. My weekend pretty much consisted of trying to keep my brain busy enough not to think about the events of Friday.

Jack came over on Friday night (Jack for those of you who don't know is the babies dad). He is not one for crying. It drives him nuts but I think it drives him nuts because he doesn't want to hear someone hurting; so I guess it isn't all bad. He asked me Friday afternoon if I wanted him to come over and I told him it was up to him because all I was probably going to be doing was crying and knowing how well he enjoyed that I wasn't going to ask him to come over. He showed up after work. I was still sitting on the couch crying. He kind of rubbed my head then sat down. Then asked me to come to him and just held me while I cried. He is the first guy I can remember who didn't try and fix what was wrong. He was just there.

I have been trying for at home jobs I can do while the kids are gone or sleeping. Found a few at home customer service reps and so on. Actually got accepted this weekend into one of them. Finished all the training and had to do the 25 1st calls to become accepted and I did that on Saturday and was accepted by Sunday. It does not pay the best but it is money coming in I guess. Plus I won't have to pay a sitter. At first you can only get guaranteed hours on the weekend - unless you sit there in the scheduler and someone cancels time and you are quick to grab it. Yet you can log in at anytime - just not promised any calls because they give them to those who are committed to that time first and foremost. It will be okay though. From just working a bit this weekend I made some money so I feel better about that overall. Not going to be the amount I need to be making but it is a start.

I know most of you have your family around you all the time so you don't get to be alone. Then when you are alone that time is just precious and you don't waste it. I feel as if my weekends are just wasted. The boys are not around. I do talk to Jack on Saturday and a lot of the times I get to see him as well but it isn't until after he is out of work. Yet most of the time right now I lay around doing nothing. I could be doing some cleaning. I could be doing laundry. I could be doing something constructive and yet I lay around - reading or watching TV. I leave my house so infrequently on the weekends. To be honest I can't even tell you the last time I left the house on a weekend.

I have this depression going on. Something I hide really well around others because if they knew they would worry. Yet it is there. I have always been good at hiding what really goes on inside of me. A few pick up on it here and there when it is so bad I can't hide it but after a few days I am able to just go on. Plus those who do pick up on it - I always blame it on something unrelated and they never have a clue.

How do you send a child off to get help for something no one around here can give? How do you help this child see it is for him and not just because no one loves him and no one wants him around? My son is a professional at sabotaging relationships and he learned this from me. He is going to once again feel abandoned and alone if he is accepted at this school. In the end though I know it is for his best. I don't even want to think about it though because it just makes me cry. I failed my son on every level you can as a parent. I had him young. I didn't raise him from 2.5 until 5. He was emotional abused and ignored and made to feel like the worse person alive for the past 9 years. He was or is being sexually abused. If someone can't help him and soon he is going to end up in jail, living on the streets or worse yet dead. He isn't going to get better living with family who do not know how to deal with this type of thing. His teachers are drained from all the time they put into him. My brother and sister-in-law are drained and it is hurting their marriage. He hates me and it is no wonder why and because of that - does everything to put me. I failed my son.