Differences....

It is probably the lack of sleep I have been getting that makes me over think. Yet at those times things seem to make sense...

Relationships are a tricky thing. Just loving someone does not make it work.

You are allowed to be different, you are allowed to have differences; it is what makes the world go round.

Yet at the same time if your core values, your beliefs are not the same; how can you possible make it work without someone hurting all the time?

My marriage failed. It failed because I changed and he did not. He said he changed but I never saw it. I can't say what was in his heart but when someone changes most see it. You would think the one who loved you would see it.

I am struggling with this now. The person I am in love with - is truly the best thing that has ever walked into my life. He treats me with respect. He helps me on all levels. He really does love me. I just see it.

Yet the one thing I said I would never go without in another relationship - is not there and I don't ever see it being there.

God

I guess I don't even know right now what the thoughts are fully. I know that how I see some things; he does not.

Here is the thing - I am a sinner. I sin daily. At the same time though there are things that have been instilled in me due to my faith and beliefs and so because of that I end up hurt.

Everyone tells me how lucky I am, how great he is, and it goes on. I do believe that because no one has ever treated me like this before.

So what am I even talking about this for; because what happens when I get hurt down the road because I ignore the one thing I said I would never go without in a relationship?

Maybe I am looking to hard into something that will never happen?

I am a sensitive person and I get hurt by things that people do an say (as does everyone). These things though should be hurtful according to the Lord because they should not happen.

At times I think I blow things out of proportion and then when I am praying/meditating I find I am not. Yet for a person who does not have faith or for a person who does not see their faith like I do - I am blowing things up.

I heard that often while married. You would think I would have learned to run when faith does not match and yet I didn't. I allowed myself to fall in love yet again with someone whose faith does not match mine.

So now what?

I have told him before how I feel but I am sure he just does not understand. It is hard to understand something when you don't believe the same thing.

It is hard to change or want to change when you don't believe there needs to be a change.

So who ends up hurt? Right now I guess that would be me...

Love

When you think about love what do you think about?

When you think about marriage and family what do you think about?

These have been thoughts in my head over the past few days... I had a marriage and it failed for many reasons.

Every show I watch these days seem to have the same thoughts though; marriage, family, relationships.

Last night while flipping through channels I ran across an interview with Seal and his wife Heidi Klum. When asked how they keep their marriage alive the response Seal gave was, "Wife, family and then career". Those are the order of his priorities. He said he has watched to many people including his parents have the wrong relationships, putting the wrong things first and then when they get back to putting their spouse first - there is nothing there anymore. Heidi piped in with one of the favorite things Seal likes to say, "Happy wife, Happy life."

Another thing was they are always together as a family. They are a family. Their marriage/relationship comes first and then the family. Their children see that!

Is your spouse your best friend? Do you always remind yourself they are your best friend? Most people don't want to disappoint or upset their best friend. Yet most people take advantage of their spouses/family. If you always think of your spouse as your best friend you won't take advantage of them.

So how many of us put our spouses first in the relationship we have? How many of us make sure that husband or wife is first and foremost?

We are teaching our children what a marriage should be and if they see us putting them first - that is what they learn. If you are putting all of your effort into your children then how do they know what a normal healthy relationship should be like?

Of course the reality is that most couples put their children first and then the marriage suffers.

In my marriage my husband put our youngest son first. If we were having alone time and he knocked on the door - he was let in even when it wasn't an emergency. I tried to get Todd to understand we needed to come first and his priority was making sure Adam knew we were there for him; even if we suffered.

Where do you draw the boundary lines? How do you take a marriage that is on the wrong track and put it on the right track? What do you do when your ideas and your spouses ideas of how the relationship should be going isn't the same?

God - look to Him

Spouse - show them they are the first priority in their life

Family - do all you can with your children and spouse

Career - make sure this isn't what runs your life...

Are You Done Yet?

Last night was interesting to say the least. I have always been a very sexual person. I enjoy being with the person I am with. If they know what they are doing; it is very enjoyable. If they take the time to get to know you; it is very enjoyable. If you take the time to do the same for you are you are; how can you go wrong?!

Well last night I went wrong. You would think it is not possible but I did...

I climbed into bed after Kyle and I had words and hit my head on the headboard; hard. I was in instant tears with an instant headache. Not how I had envisioned my night going since Jack was over.

He came into the room and laid down and asked me what was wrong and what went on with Kyle. I talked to him. He just sat there and held me and we talked.

Then he was getting ready to leave and I didn't want him to go just yet so I know how to keep him here; sex... Gosh I am such a manipulating person but at least he was going to get something from staying...

We get started with lots of foreplay like we normally do. Well that is not totally true - I was feeling sick and would not let him touch me - I tried but it was not gonna happen for me.

Then he asked if we could have sex because the touching was uncomfortable and I said we could try.

We did try and at about the 3 minute mark (if we got that far) I look at him and go, "Are you done yet?" and then I burst into laughter at myself. Said I am so sorry - and started to laugh again at myself. What a mood killer and everything killer!

I just have an overwhelming nausea feeling and well I could have come about asking in a much different way but didn't.

Talk about killing a guys ego! Talk about putting the foot in the mouth!

I don't know what in the heck I was thinking! Oh wait - I wasn't...

Have got to love the combination of pregnancy, emotions, and the pregnancy brain!

I have...

I have been watching a friend of mine endure an abusive/controlling relationship and even though her husband was my friend prior to her being my friend - I am beginning to hate him. Strong word I know but I really am. I am nice to him because she is married to him but the crap he is doing - because of the crap I have dealt with - is making it so much harder to do.

I have been trying to allow my son to be the 14 year old he wants to be; to a certain extent. Yet he isn't following through with his end of things and so it makes it hard for me to allow him to do all the extra things. Then I am blamed for what is going on.

I have been falling deeper and deeper in love with Jack. What is wrong with this you ask? Nothing but my fears from my past come up and bite me and then I get insecure. What happens when I get insecure - I worry about all that might go wrong. My emotions go nutty and I struggle to enjoy what is actually taking place right now in the moment.

I have been worried about what being bipolar means. I know what it means. I know what it does to me. I know what I have gone through because of it. The questions that are there and that are creeping in and the worry that is around is because of Jack. I am a very emotional being. I can hold a job; part time but full time overwhelms me. I have done much better at the implusivity that goes with it because I know where that destruction leads to. Yet what if that old me; the one who isn't in control with meds (since I am not on any right now due to pregnancy); comes out and rears that ugly head?! Jack won't stick around for that crazy person - to be honest no one ever should have but most men did; yet I know deep down Jack won't. How do I explain this person to him just in case she does come around? How can I promise myself or him that she won't show up? I can't and that is my fear...

I have been sick since starting on the celexa. Wondering if it is worth the things I am going through and what might happen to Isabella while I take this. I can't get rid of the upset stomach and the headache. Yet the depression is so much that I know I need something. What do I do?! Just suffer and keep on going and hoping that the side effects stop soon...

I have been wondering about Christmas. Yup it is only September and it is already on my mind. Not that the boys need a ton of things but with the baby and all the things she needs; I just stress over money. I have a goal; already have a list made out and plan on getting one thing per boy per month from now until December. Of course that is not going to be the easiest thing to do but it can be done. I am hoping it can be done. I have it figured out in my head but will reality match my figures?

I have a friend whom I love dearly. I have been worried about the stress she is under. She means the world to me. We have spoken on the phone, she has sang a song to me and we speak via IM. We have never met in person but she is just amazing as a person. She kept me strong and going even when we were not in touch. There is just something about her that exudes love and life and energy. So to see her struggling makes me very sad. I love you girl! *hugs and kisses*

Just Life...

Well it is official for the next year I am going to be staying here. It really does make me sad. I don't want to be doing this alone. I know he keeps on saying I won't be doing this alone but I will be or at least feel like I am right now.


Between the lack of sleep with Kyle and his homework and then Adam's school work and then adding Isabella to that. Wow - I get tired even thinking about it.


Why do I have such a hard time crying in front of others? I wanted to cry so badly last night and I did when I sat in the bathroom - alone - but I could not cry while laying there with Jack. I had tears that came and went but I could not cry. Actually I have a pretty good idea why I can't cry or don't allow myself to cry. Maybe someday I will work through this but until I feel completely safe and trust anyone I can't.


When I used to cry 9 out of 10 times Todd would tell me to knock it off or to leave the room for whatever reason. So I have gotten good at not crying when I feel like it. I can cry with someone on the phone no problem - because they are not right there. Maybe I have trained myself to only cry in the bathroom since that is where I went most of the time to cry - lol.


Yesterday was a bittersweet day. I sold my last piece of jewelery so I can get the kids some of the things they need for school. Knowing for the last year I have done it on my own; even if it has been with selling things - is kind of nice. Yet yesterday I sold my last piece of jewelery and child support is just not forthcoming.


I have been looking for a part time job I can do while the boys are in school. Of course school hasn't started yet but I haven't been offered a job yet either. Then though I have to worry about daycare for Isabella after she is born, the phone calls from the school for Kyle, having to be at school for Kyle, giving up helping at Adam's school and the list goes on.


In the end though it comes down to the fact that I need the extra $860 a month. I was making it just fine until I was not working at my job and it has been 6 months now. I just need to get a job and then pray everything else works out - because it has to work out.


The summer is coming to an end and I have done nothing special with the boys. We have done the park - many times but all the things they ask about doing - we just have not done. I guess it is better that they know they are not doing these things though. Todd was famous for promising things and then taking it away the day of us going or forgetting he said we would go and then making other plans with friends or something like that.


We have been gone a little over a year now and here we are stuck. Still in an apartment. The kids without a pet (it just bothers me). Me without a job. I am pregnant. Still have no clue how to deal with Kyle and the information just keeps on piling on. Financial worries up the wazoo and they are going to get worse once the divorce is final.


I am grateful I got the courage to leave - it was 3 years coming before I actually walked out the door but I did leave. The best thing for me is I never went looking for someone to rescue me. Not that any man has ever rescued me but they have all promised to take care of me and I have let them and then the price is so steep.


So for me knowing that right now even with life not being the best it makes me feel somewhat better. I actually love someone and it is a healthy feeling; just wish he could be here more...


Such is life...

Weekend Thoughts....

What a weekend. There were a few times I wondered what in the heck to think but for the most part - the weekend helped with a lot of things.


I saw Jack a few times. Had emotional break-downs (man how I hate the hormonal surges that cause the crying for no reason). In the end though things were said that I needed to know.


Housing situation is still getting to me. I am thinking a "house" would be to much right now. Yet I don't want to stay here. I have been looking at modular homes but the problem is the amount needed down for one. Having spent all my savings I don't even have money to move into another apartment. There are still a couple I am going to call on anyway - just to see what they have to say...


Frustrated with Todd and his antics. He called last night at 6:30 to tell me they were still a hour and a half away and had not had dinner (Adam was supposed to be home by 7). I wanted to blow but I told him he needed to be home by 8:30. Well 8:30 gets here and he is calling asking if he can take him home because he needs help unloading things. I explain that I want him home at 7 so I can start getting him back into a school schedule and he is like, "I understand" but yet he didn't get him home until 9:20 last night. I am soooooooo tired of this crap. I give and he takes and takes and takes and thinks it is all fine.


So now for me - what do I do with what is going on in my life? I have written about this before but it is true. I am the queen of sabotaging my own life. This weekend makes me more than anything want to change that but I have no idea how. I stay guarded and I need to move beyond that. No one who is in my life right now is anyone from my past and I need to give them the benefit of the doubt that they are not going to be those from my past.


My divorce is taking forever. Not that I really expected things to be done and better and fixed by now but he is just dragging things out. He isn't getting his way and there are reasons for it. He wants Adam all the time and he says he will abide by the rules set for the school yet and yet he can't even get Adam home on time now. I don't trust him. My divorce is hindering my ability to move forward....


Technically speaking - I am married on paper. Our marriage was over long ago though. I tried and tried and tried to make things work and to fix things but I was doing it wrong. When I left I had hope things could still be salvaged - after a few months of him not changing - I knew that it was true - our marriage was over. I still care and love him but not like you should.


Now though - my heart belongs to another. There is a relationship there. Is it wrong that I am still married on paper - yes but in the end the marriage was over before this friendship even started.


Now to make it through the divorce and navigate through this new stuff.

Another Day in the Life of Confusion...

This is just going to be another blog full of nothing. I have a lot running around in my brain the past couple of days and even though I have written some of it down - it is still all up there...

Just feeling like I am working through nothing lately. My past is all coming out. Jack will say things and he is joking but it brings back the past. I wish I could just forget it all like I used to do but that doesn't leave much of a person - just a shell.

About three weeks ago I realized how much I care about Jack. From the beginning I have really liked this guy. Have no idea why but I really did. Attempted to cut it off a couple of times with him actually but always went back to him. I drove my girlfriends nuts when I would cut it off with him and not talk to him - I was not a fun person to be around. All I did was cry. A man I barely knew and I felt like I was losing something huge from my life. Yet three weeks ago - I realized I loved him. I mean I really realized I wanted him in my life forever.

Even with everything that has gone on in my life I want him in my life forever?! Makes me wonder what the heck is inside of my head about right now.

In the movie "The Break-Up" there is a scene in the movie when Gary (Vince Vaughn) is talking to his friend the bartender. The friend says something along the lines of she gave you her all and she never had a chance - you never let anyone get close to you - so she never had a chance with you. That is the story of my life. I find men who can't/won't open up and give there heart.

So then I have to ask myself why do I stay? Why do I allow myself to get hurt and fall for this?

Before I was never told, "I have been hurt and I won't do it again." Yet Jack has been upfront and honest with me from the beginning. He has told me he doesn't want anything right now because of his past. So why didn't I protect myself?

So what do I do now is the question... Do I just keep on going with what we have now? Funny thing is I have no idea what we have right now. Do I distance myself from him? I don't want to but in the end would it save my heart?

You know my life is a wreck. My past has made me who I am and I can't stand it. I live with the fear of rejection. Yet maybe I picked him because I was rejected before I even had a chance with him. Can't be rejected by someone who tells you flat out you will have nothing.

While married I was rejected so much I put a wall up. I stopped asking for things I wanted or needed. I just hoped at some point they would happen - couldn't hurt from the excuses that way.

My soon-to-be-ex used to complain about time I asked for with him. I would hear things like, "I just spent last night with you and now you want more? You are a sponge who never fills up. I give you something and you want more and more and more. You are never satisfied with what you are given."

My soon-to-be-ex used to complain about sex when I tried to have it with him. I heard a lot of things about why we could not do it.

How do you move past the past? How do you not let it affect you anymore?

There are some things I won't ever bend on. I am a jealous person. I can't stand seeing husbands, wives, significant others, boyfriends, girlfriends - flirting with others. I rips at the core of me. Why would you want to flirt with someone who doesn't belong to you (in so many words)? Why would you want to hurt the person you are with? I am a one man women and the guy I am with better be a one women man. I won't tolerate that stuff.

Porn - strippers - strip clubs - you go there and you lose a part of me. If it is for a friends bachelor party - you still lose a part of me. If you are with someone that should be the only person you want to see and want to be with and if you are afraid of what your friends will think by not going - it is your loss because you lose a part of me. I won't leave you in the physical sense of the word but emotionally and possible sexually you have lost me.

When I look over my life I have never been treated like a person should be. There was the occasional flowers or Christmas gift but the things that meant so much to me where never there.

Some lyrics come to mind and it is how I feel:

"I ain't settling for anything less than everything"

which is in the song Settlin' by Sugarland

and

"Cause' I don't wanna' spend my life jaded

Waiting to wake up one day and find

That I've let all these years go by

Wasted

Oh I don't wanna' keep on wishing, missing

The still of the morning, the color of the night

I ain't spending no more time

Wasted"

which is in the song Wasted by Carrie Underwood

Lay it on the Line...

As of tomorrow I will be 14 weeks pregnant. It isn't my soon to be ex's. I am still married. The guy knows I am still married. I am going through a divorce though (not that it makes much different).

About three months ago I gave up on my marriage. I left almost 10 months ago now but I still kept the hope that he would see what had walked out the door. So yes three months ago - I truly gave up on my marriage. I didn't want it anymore. I wasn't willing to try anymore. I was tired of being the one to do it all. So I gave up.

About three months ago my grandpa also died. I sat in my parents living room watching him and my grandma and seeing the love they have for each other. Wow was that amazing to see. He isn't a full fledged romantic but deep down he was. The letters he used to write to his mom when the two of them were courting blow your mind away. He really was in love. Through the years he would do little things for her just to say I love you. I remember one Valentines day - he gave her a box of Cracker Jacks (If you do not know what cracker jacks are - it is kind of like crunch 'n munch but in a small box with a prize at the bottom of it). What he put into this box was sweet - he had bought her a gold ring - worked with whomever to get the gold ring in the little prize package - in the box. He put it on the table Valentines day morning and said to her, "Happy Valentines Day Lois." She didn't bother opening it and when he came in for lunch it was still sitting on the table so he told her she needed to eat it for lunch. She did and got to the bottom of the box and was feeling the package and she goes, "Skip did you get me a condom? We don't need those anymore." He just laughed and she opened it and saw the ring. Mind you there were probably in their mid-60's at this point. He just loved her so much. The pain in my grandma's eyes watching my grandpa fade off - was very heart wrenching. Yet knowing she loved him so much and had all those years.

I gave up thinking I would ever be as lucky as those who truly find love and have that at the end of their life. I gave up on my marriage. I slept with a man and got pregnant.