Game Shows...

Well last night was "The Moment of Truth" show. I missed the beginning of it but I think it was pretty much - you answers so many questions prior to the show on a lie detector. Then when they are on stage so many of the questions are picked and they have to re-answer them.

Now they have family, friends, co-workers that sit there in front of them. Each question gets more and more personal. They have no idea which question is going to be picked from the ones they answered earlier.

Okay - a few people said to me, "Why would you want to go on this show. Can you imagine what it does to the relationships of the people on it?"

Here is my questions/thoughts of the day....

How honest are you supposed to be in a relationship?

I am beginning to think that it isn't the rule of thumb. I am beginning to think that no one is honest with their mate.

What would the fear be of going on that show - if you have always been honest with the people in your life? Is honesty now a fault?

I know some don't tell the truth because they don't want to hurt someone or get into a fight or so on... I have heard it all - I have had the excuses myself.

Except recently I decided truth is what matters. I need to be honest 100% with those in my life because if I am not - I might as well just stamp failure on it right now.

Of course some of the things I do - they have consequences; as does everyone.

So is being 100% honest - needed? What do you think?

Differences....

It is probably the lack of sleep I have been getting that makes me over think. Yet at those times things seem to make sense...

Relationships are a tricky thing. Just loving someone does not make it work.

You are allowed to be different, you are allowed to have differences; it is what makes the world go round.

Yet at the same time if your core values, your beliefs are not the same; how can you possible make it work without someone hurting all the time?

My marriage failed. It failed because I changed and he did not. He said he changed but I never saw it. I can't say what was in his heart but when someone changes most see it. You would think the one who loved you would see it.

I am struggling with this now. The person I am in love with - is truly the best thing that has ever walked into my life. He treats me with respect. He helps me on all levels. He really does love me. I just see it.

Yet the one thing I said I would never go without in another relationship - is not there and I don't ever see it being there.

God

I guess I don't even know right now what the thoughts are fully. I know that how I see some things; he does not.

Here is the thing - I am a sinner. I sin daily. At the same time though there are things that have been instilled in me due to my faith and beliefs and so because of that I end up hurt.

Everyone tells me how lucky I am, how great he is, and it goes on. I do believe that because no one has ever treated me like this before.

So what am I even talking about this for; because what happens when I get hurt down the road because I ignore the one thing I said I would never go without in a relationship?

Maybe I am looking to hard into something that will never happen?

I am a sensitive person and I get hurt by things that people do an say (as does everyone). These things though should be hurtful according to the Lord because they should not happen.

At times I think I blow things out of proportion and then when I am praying/meditating I find I am not. Yet for a person who does not have faith or for a person who does not see their faith like I do - I am blowing things up.

I heard that often while married. You would think I would have learned to run when faith does not match and yet I didn't. I allowed myself to fall in love yet again with someone whose faith does not match mine.

So now what?

I have told him before how I feel but I am sure he just does not understand. It is hard to understand something when you don't believe the same thing.

It is hard to change or want to change when you don't believe there needs to be a change.

So who ends up hurt? Right now I guess that would be me...

Love

When you think about love what do you think about?

When you think about marriage and family what do you think about?

These have been thoughts in my head over the past few days... I had a marriage and it failed for many reasons.

Every show I watch these days seem to have the same thoughts though; marriage, family, relationships.

Last night while flipping through channels I ran across an interview with Seal and his wife Heidi Klum. When asked how they keep their marriage alive the response Seal gave was, "Wife, family and then career". Those are the order of his priorities. He said he has watched to many people including his parents have the wrong relationships, putting the wrong things first and then when they get back to putting their spouse first - there is nothing there anymore. Heidi piped in with one of the favorite things Seal likes to say, "Happy wife, Happy life."

Another thing was they are always together as a family. They are a family. Their marriage/relationship comes first and then the family. Their children see that!

Is your spouse your best friend? Do you always remind yourself they are your best friend? Most people don't want to disappoint or upset their best friend. Yet most people take advantage of their spouses/family. If you always think of your spouse as your best friend you won't take advantage of them.

So how many of us put our spouses first in the relationship we have? How many of us make sure that husband or wife is first and foremost?

We are teaching our children what a marriage should be and if they see us putting them first - that is what they learn. If you are putting all of your effort into your children then how do they know what a normal healthy relationship should be like?

Of course the reality is that most couples put their children first and then the marriage suffers.

In my marriage my husband put our youngest son first. If we were having alone time and he knocked on the door - he was let in even when it wasn't an emergency. I tried to get Todd to understand we needed to come first and his priority was making sure Adam knew we were there for him; even if we suffered.

Where do you draw the boundary lines? How do you take a marriage that is on the wrong track and put it on the right track? What do you do when your ideas and your spouses ideas of how the relationship should be going isn't the same?

God - look to Him

Spouse - show them they are the first priority in their life

Family - do all you can with your children and spouse

Career - make sure this isn't what runs your life...

Hard Decisions...

Everyone in life has hard decisions to make. No one can judge how difficult something is for someone else; especially if they are not in their shoes.

I left what I considered to be an abusive relationship. Maybe others did not feel it was but I felt it was. It took me a long time to get up the courage to leave him.

In the time it took me to get the courage up to leave him; he became sick. His leg started to have issues and we dealt with many doctors and specialists. At the time I left I had no idea what he had. They had ruled out ALS (Lou-Gehrig's Disease) and were leaning towards MS. I though didn't really believe it; still felt it might be ALS.

I am not a doctor but in my gut - I had a feeling. Then earlier this year he was diagnosed with it. I had not even been gone a year.

It was not easy to walk out the door with feeling like something more than MS was going on with him. Yet I had to do it.

Now here I am going through a divorce and being made to feel guilty by him. He is alone and I abandoned him in his time of need.

We all have difficult decisions that have to be made. Some are more difficult than others but they are each persons difficulties.

What do you do with those guilty feelings though after all is said and done? Some days are harder than others but how do you make it through...

New Day - New Dawning

Last night something dawned on me. I live in fear of men and confrontation.

The thought of having to confront Todd over anything (maybe confront isn't a good word to use) gives me panic attacks and other physical issues.

The thing is - right now - what can he do to me? Withhold child support; oh he is already doing that. Not pay the rent is he supposed to be paying; oh wait being done. Make this divorce drag out until he gets what he feels he is entitled to; going through that. Not give me my things from the house; says he will but never does so that is being done as well.

What else can he do to me?

Yet those feelings and those physical issues still come about when I have to deal with him.

I also find I am not totally honest with Jack. I am not lying to him but I don't come out and say what I am feeling 100% or what thoughts I am thinking because of the fear of his reaction or what he can do to me.

Mind you Jack has never done anything to make me feel those things but it is the fear that has been there. It isn't as bad but it really hit me last night that those feelings are there when I deal with anyone.

Someone gets upset with me and I start to have a panic attack. Someone wants to talk to me and I don't know about what and I get a panic attack.

Funny thing is - Todd isn't the first person this started with - it was my parents and it seems I find all these people who know how to react just the right way to keep this fear going inside of me.

How do I break this fear - this pattern? It isn't healthy and it does not but hinder relationships in my life that it should not...

So what do I do?

Whose Right Is It?

A friend of mine whose husband was similar to mine in many ways posted something the other day that got me thinking...


Do you know how nice it is to be able to go to the store and buy some ice cream - any flavor - any brand - and not be in trouble when you get home? Do you know how nice it is to be able to go to the store and buy any brand of anything - and not be in trouble when you get home?


When living with Todd there were certain brands of things I had to buy. Mind you I was responsible for praying for the groceries. Of course off brands were not allowed; actually for the most part it was always the most expensive brand I had to buy.


How is it possible that I was the one who was spending my money on groceries and he was the one telling me what I could or could not spend it on? Yet it continued through our whole relationship.

That is how all the money issues were. Anything I was responsible for - he made sure I paid for but it had to be what he wanted.

It is nice not to feel as if I am under that thumb anymore.

Life and Death...

Last week my girlfriend lost her mom. She was a very young woman. She was beautiful. She was my friends best friend.

I do not have that relationship with my mom. A lot of girls/women have a great relationship with their mom. Share the ups and downs of life. Shop together or ask each others opinions. I never had that with my mom.

I am pregnant right now with a little girl. I think about the relationships I know when it comes to mother/daughter and I want mine to be one like I didn't have.

I know I did add to what was not but the funny thing is my sister doesn't have it with my mom either. So was it all my sister and me who caused the lack of relationship or did it have to do with my mom as well?

I am going to strive to have a good relationship with my daughter. I know I can be a good mom.

A Reminder for Me...

A wise - wise - wise man said to me today...

"And - to some degree, you have to use a healthy portion of grace for when he will screw up... and we both know, Jack is a man... and men screw up... constantly"

So grant me that grace because I need it - a lot of it!