Game Shows...

Well last night was "The Moment of Truth" show. I missed the beginning of it but I think it was pretty much - you answers so many questions prior to the show on a lie detector. Then when they are on stage so many of the questions are picked and they have to re-answer them.

Now they have family, friends, co-workers that sit there in front of them. Each question gets more and more personal. They have no idea which question is going to be picked from the ones they answered earlier.

Okay - a few people said to me, "Why would you want to go on this show. Can you imagine what it does to the relationships of the people on it?"

Here is my questions/thoughts of the day....

How honest are you supposed to be in a relationship?

I am beginning to think that it isn't the rule of thumb. I am beginning to think that no one is honest with their mate.

What would the fear be of going on that show - if you have always been honest with the people in your life? Is honesty now a fault?

I know some don't tell the truth because they don't want to hurt someone or get into a fight or so on... I have heard it all - I have had the excuses myself.

Except recently I decided truth is what matters. I need to be honest 100% with those in my life because if I am not - I might as well just stamp failure on it right now.

Of course some of the things I do - they have consequences; as does everyone.

So is being 100% honest - needed? What do you think?

Parenting

This is how I feel by the end of most days. I would just like to pull my hair out.

I am not the best parent in the world. I am more than aware of this.

I say things and do things that I should not in front of my children. I open my mouth and spew things out and then go what the hell was I thinking when I did that.

I know that one of my biggest problems is that I say to much to my boys. Actually not both of them but to my oldest one.

He knows his dad is gone out of the country. He understands it is partly because his dad no longer wanted to pay child support for him. Should he know this - probably not and yet he does. He also know how stressful he makes the world for others. He understands his anger and lack of motivation frustrate the hell out of people.

Just to give you an idea as to what goes on or doesn't go on. He comes home from school today and asks me what toothbrush is his. What are you serious? I send you into the bathroom every morning and every evening and you have had the same toothbrush for about 5 months now and you have no idea which one is yours?

So I ask him if he has not been brushing his teeth and he admits he has not been. Then after I tell him what toothbrush is his - he goes and looks at it - and then goes to his room.

ALL WITHOUT BRUSHING HIS TEETH!

Then tonight I find he has sold a bike that does not belong to him. His typical response, "I am stupid" Okay well no one in this house tells him he is stupid. He has been told that choices he has made are not wise ones and sometimes stupid ones (not from me)but he has never been told he is stupid. As a matter of fact when he calls himself stupid he is corrected. Yet tonight - I wanted to agree with him. I wanted to say yes you are being stupid. Of course I did not though.

What in the heck goes on in that brain of his? I just don't get it.

Then he is yelling at me and arguing with me over what he did. So I send him to his room until he can talk to me with respect in his voice instead of the ton of disrespect he is using. Of course then it is my fault and so on.

As he is going he lets me know he has $60 to spend at Grandma's and he will just get the money from her. Ummmmm - great. So I call my mom to find out how much money he has (cause I am guessing he isn't going to be buying the bike back for what he sold it for). I find out he has $15 left out of his money. Great, probably not going to be enough money. Then she proceeds to tell me how the other parents are not good parents because how can you let a kid come home with two bikes and not explain them.

She is ALWAYS looking for ways to make the other people involved be the bad people. Not Kyle; nothing wrong with Kyle; nothing he did was wrong, etc. Of course she says well he can have the money but he has to be the one to call them and get the bike back.

Well no shit - I am not going to be the one who calls up this kid and says, "You need to sell the bike back to my son for what you bought it for." Duh!

This is my life. This is my daily life. I get frustrated so darn fast with his stupidity. I really do. I keep on wondering what line I was standing in when God handed out the patience's because I have zero when it comes to Kyle at this point. I try and try and try and yet each and every day he proves to me how many things he can do that are just lacking in the thinking department and I lose it - immediately.

God help me because at this point - his anger, destruction, lack of respect - are killing me.

Ghosts....

Okay so it isn't that I believe in ghosts per say but I do believe in my past haunting me. The ghosts from the past creep up into my current relationship. Do I enjoy it - not at all - but it does happen.

This past weekend seemed to be one of those. I tried to just block it all out. I tried to just let it go because at times it is hard for me to tell the difference between what is going on and the true past haunting me.

I find that I write letters to Jack and but never them to him. I am trying to sort things out for me. I am trying to see what is actually going on vs what is from the past creeping into my life.

Well I wrote a letter yesterday. I ended up saving it at the same time I was saving a list of baby items needed. I swapped the titled and did not realize it. I was tired and my head hurt (that is what happens when you sit and cry I guess).

I ended up sending him the letter instead of the baby list. Today I felt mortified. I felt like an ass. I was upset he read it. I cried a lot today. It wasn't that it was a horrible letter but my mouth and feelings tend to be straight forward and the choosing of my words - when writing for myself - is not really done. I mean I am writing it for myself to sort through feelings - I am not doing it for other people to read; so I am not all so careful with what I write.

He wanted to talk about it and I could not do it. I wanted to try but I just could not do it. I tried a little bit but I was not successful. He thinks I am making ant hills into mole hills. To be fair he is probably correct. I tend to worry and over-think and project.

So how do I get away from doing that? How do I get away from doing any of this?

I do not want to let the ghosts from the past run my life anymore. I do not want to give those ghosts a chance at ruining my current relationships.

I do want to find new ways to cope with things. I do want to be able to talk to people in my life without fear of what they will think or say.

I do not want to change my past but I want to be able to move beyond it. I would not be who I am today if it was not for the past things in my life; good or bad...

Trust....

How do you not allow the past to affect your future? I have huge trust issues with people; mainly men.

Now when I look back over my past I get why I have a trust issue. Yet it completely affects my future....

"Either trust me fully or do not trust me at all"

This was said to me recently. I have been thinking it over. I want to trust this person. I long to trust this person. Yet I sit and find myself waiting for the other shoe to fall!

I am getting better - I think... Yet I still have this fear that follows me over certain things... I need to figure out how to move beyond that...