Ghosts....

Okay so it isn't that I believe in ghosts per say but I do believe in my past haunting me. The ghosts from the past creep up into my current relationship. Do I enjoy it - not at all - but it does happen.

This past weekend seemed to be one of those. I tried to just block it all out. I tried to just let it go because at times it is hard for me to tell the difference between what is going on and the true past haunting me.

I find that I write letters to Jack and but never them to him. I am trying to sort things out for me. I am trying to see what is actually going on vs what is from the past creeping into my life.

Well I wrote a letter yesterday. I ended up saving it at the same time I was saving a list of baby items needed. I swapped the titled and did not realize it. I was tired and my head hurt (that is what happens when you sit and cry I guess).

I ended up sending him the letter instead of the baby list. Today I felt mortified. I felt like an ass. I was upset he read it. I cried a lot today. It wasn't that it was a horrible letter but my mouth and feelings tend to be straight forward and the choosing of my words - when writing for myself - is not really done. I mean I am writing it for myself to sort through feelings - I am not doing it for other people to read; so I am not all so careful with what I write.

He wanted to talk about it and I could not do it. I wanted to try but I just could not do it. I tried a little bit but I was not successful. He thinks I am making ant hills into mole hills. To be fair he is probably correct. I tend to worry and over-think and project.

So how do I get away from doing that? How do I get away from doing any of this?

I do not want to let the ghosts from the past run my life anymore. I do not want to give those ghosts a chance at ruining my current relationships.

I do want to find new ways to cope with things. I do want to be able to talk to people in my life without fear of what they will think or say.

I do not want to change my past but I want to be able to move beyond it. I would not be who I am today if it was not for the past things in my life; good or bad...

New Day - New Dawning

Last night something dawned on me. I live in fear of men and confrontation.

The thought of having to confront Todd over anything (maybe confront isn't a good word to use) gives me panic attacks and other physical issues.

The thing is - right now - what can he do to me? Withhold child support; oh he is already doing that. Not pay the rent is he supposed to be paying; oh wait being done. Make this divorce drag out until he gets what he feels he is entitled to; going through that. Not give me my things from the house; says he will but never does so that is being done as well.

What else can he do to me?

Yet those feelings and those physical issues still come about when I have to deal with him.

I also find I am not totally honest with Jack. I am not lying to him but I don't come out and say what I am feeling 100% or what thoughts I am thinking because of the fear of his reaction or what he can do to me.

Mind you Jack has never done anything to make me feel those things but it is the fear that has been there. It isn't as bad but it really hit me last night that those feelings are there when I deal with anyone.

Someone gets upset with me and I start to have a panic attack. Someone wants to talk to me and I don't know about what and I get a panic attack.

Funny thing is - Todd isn't the first person this started with - it was my parents and it seems I find all these people who know how to react just the right way to keep this fear going inside of me.

How do I break this fear - this pattern? It isn't healthy and it does not but hinder relationships in my life that it should not...

So what do I do?

Looking in the Mirror...

I do not enjoy looking in the mirror. It isn't so much what I see but what I hear. Of course I don't have to look in the mirror to hear these things but standing in front of the mirror really does bring it out.

Some of those things I hear are:

*It is no wonder I don't want sex with you have you seen how fat and ugly you are.
*If you leave me no one is every going to put up with you and your insanity.
*You can stop talking now because what you are saying is invalid.
*No one will ever love you if you leave because you want so much.
*You are never satisfied; I spend a full day with you and you want more. You are like a sponge who never fills up.
*You will never amount to anything if you leave me because you can't make it on your own.
*You can't figure anything out on your own.

That is just a fraction of what goes on when I look at myself or start to allow myself to really think.

Every time I think I am getting beyond it something brings it up again. Usually emails from my ex because I am not allowing him to have his way. Then to stop all of it I just give in and give up.

I lose my self-esteem a long time ago. It was well beyond the past 10 years of listening to him. He just added to it and made sure it wasn't coming back.

The past does not have to dictate the future but you need to now how to move through the mine-field to get beyond the debris it left behind.