Love

When you think about love what do you think about?

When you think about marriage and family what do you think about?

These have been thoughts in my head over the past few days... I had a marriage and it failed for many reasons.

Every show I watch these days seem to have the same thoughts though; marriage, family, relationships.

Last night while flipping through channels I ran across an interview with Seal and his wife Heidi Klum. When asked how they keep their marriage alive the response Seal gave was, "Wife, family and then career". Those are the order of his priorities. He said he has watched to many people including his parents have the wrong relationships, putting the wrong things first and then when they get back to putting their spouse first - there is nothing there anymore. Heidi piped in with one of the favorite things Seal likes to say, "Happy wife, Happy life."

Another thing was they are always together as a family. They are a family. Their marriage/relationship comes first and then the family. Their children see that!

Is your spouse your best friend? Do you always remind yourself they are your best friend? Most people don't want to disappoint or upset their best friend. Yet most people take advantage of their spouses/family. If you always think of your spouse as your best friend you won't take advantage of them.

So how many of us put our spouses first in the relationship we have? How many of us make sure that husband or wife is first and foremost?

We are teaching our children what a marriage should be and if they see us putting them first - that is what they learn. If you are putting all of your effort into your children then how do they know what a normal healthy relationship should be like?

Of course the reality is that most couples put their children first and then the marriage suffers.

In my marriage my husband put our youngest son first. If we were having alone time and he knocked on the door - he was let in even when it wasn't an emergency. I tried to get Todd to understand we needed to come first and his priority was making sure Adam knew we were there for him; even if we suffered.

Where do you draw the boundary lines? How do you take a marriage that is on the wrong track and put it on the right track? What do you do when your ideas and your spouses ideas of how the relationship should be going isn't the same?

God - look to Him

Spouse - show them they are the first priority in their life

Family - do all you can with your children and spouse

Career - make sure this isn't what runs your life...

Talk About Feeling Low...

My youngest son is still mad at me for breaking up the family. He is angry because we left and he is angry because now Todd is getting even sicker than he was before.

Todd is angry because I won't get involved and gun ho about Adam's dirt biking. He seriously expects me to get another vehicle and to run all over the state/country because this is Adam's dream.

I would love to support Adam's dream - I really would BUT he is not my only child. He is one of two right now; soon to be three. Our weekends can not revolve around what he wants to do. I have tried to talk to Adam about it but I think I am talking to a wall. He hears what Todd says and doesn't get it.

Todd is turning him into a narcissistic person. Someone who is delusional and fully focused on himself. I hate seeing him become this person.

He isn't involved with group sports anymore. I won't sign him up for them because in his mind - dirt biking comes first. Well I won't allow him to get involved with a group sport and then let him let the team down because his individual sport comes first. Not how it should be and I won't allow him to do it while he is living with me.

Maybe I am wrong but it just irks me. Then to top it off Adam has a hard enough time making friends and Todd is getting him involved with something that he is isolating himself even more.

ARG....

Still on bed rest. Still stressed over money. It will be okay - it will be okay. I just don't know when or how...

Another Quick Update....

Blood levels are within range. Which is a good thing but I am still on bed rest. Will probably be there for a good couple of weeks or so then moved down to partial bed rest.

Getting irritated with how the house looks but have to admit Kyle since starting back on the meds have been a huge help to me. I am grateful he is at least willing to try taking them - now here is to hoping he will stay on them.

Jack has been helpful. He made dinner last night. He has come over and spent time with me so I am not going out of my mind so much. He even brought me a toothbrush since I left mine at the hospital.

Financially I am worried but I have to believe it will be okay. It frustrates me because I was doing just fine with working, paying all my bills, saving money and not getting any child support. Since being off work - I stress each and every month over how bills or anything is going to be paid. Now to top it off - I have to add what I am paying out each month because I have to be on a supplemental policy that has prescription coverage for my Medicare. I am trying to say it will all work out but I just don't know.

Oh at this point I have 2 of the 4 meds I need. Two of the most important ones right now. The one for my blood clot and the one for my gestational diabetes.

So there is the update I can give in the short time I am allotted out of bed! Still hoping to get the wireless connection up and going soon.

Way Quick Update...

Last week I ended up in the hospital with another blood clot. As some of you knew Todd changed the insurance policy and I could not afford the medication I had to be on for the blood clot. I also (since having Medicare) could not get another prescription plan through anyone because of the fact that I did/do have a private insurance.

Life has been hell.

I actually left the hospital way before they wanted me to. Biggest concern is that because of the size of the blood clot and because I am not at home and because of the money issues - I could end up with a pulmonary embolism. Could not stay though because of Kyle and the lack of care I was finding for him.

I am beyond stressed at this point in time. I have no way to continue to pay for the things needed for this pregnancy because I can not work. I am in tears daily.

I have no idea how I am going to make it much longer. Depression has been bad again. I am just trying to take it a day at a time and let God have at my life but when things like this occur I have no idea what He is trying to show me. That I am not supposed to be here anymore or what?

In a real struggle...

Hard Decisions...

Everyone in life has hard decisions to make. No one can judge how difficult something is for someone else; especially if they are not in their shoes.

I left what I considered to be an abusive relationship. Maybe others did not feel it was but I felt it was. It took me a long time to get up the courage to leave him.

In the time it took me to get the courage up to leave him; he became sick. His leg started to have issues and we dealt with many doctors and specialists. At the time I left I had no idea what he had. They had ruled out ALS (Lou-Gehrig's Disease) and were leaning towards MS. I though didn't really believe it; still felt it might be ALS.

I am not a doctor but in my gut - I had a feeling. Then earlier this year he was diagnosed with it. I had not even been gone a year.

It was not easy to walk out the door with feeling like something more than MS was going on with him. Yet I had to do it.

Now here I am going through a divorce and being made to feel guilty by him. He is alone and I abandoned him in his time of need.

We all have difficult decisions that have to be made. Some are more difficult than others but they are each persons difficulties.

What do you do with those guilty feelings though after all is said and done? Some days are harder than others but how do you make it through...

Trust....

How do you not allow the past to affect your future? I have huge trust issues with people; mainly men.

Now when I look back over my past I get why I have a trust issue. Yet it completely affects my future....

"Either trust me fully or do not trust me at all"

This was said to me recently. I have been thinking it over. I want to trust this person. I long to trust this person. Yet I sit and find myself waiting for the other shoe to fall!

I am getting better - I think... Yet I still have this fear that follows me over certain things... I need to figure out how to move beyond that...

Been a Few....

Have been struggling with a lot of things lately. Mainly the past. It just never seems to go away. I try to deal with it. I try to let it go and yet - I am with someone and they say something and it all comes back to me...

I have heard in the past few days things that just remind me of how needy I am. I had thought that it was just Todd who was impossible to please who wanted to be alone all the time who could not deal with me. I guess I was wrong.

I have heard things about finances that just make me wonder what I a getting myself into. Is it possible that I am dealing with someone just as selfish as before?

There really is so much more but I m trying to just block it out. It isn't easy to do and when things happen I find myself shutting down. Do I want to shut down - not really but I realize I have no clue how to communicate with anyone anymore.

After years of keeping it all in - I have no clue how to communicate effectively with anyone. Yeah I can have small conversations but when it comes to how things make me feel - I can't do it. I am to afraid of how it will make someone else feel or how they will respond or how they won't respond or what will be said. I am afraid to open my mouth for fear of confrontation.

Almost every conversation with Todd lead to confrontation. I felt as if I had to "defend" myself and I hate that feeling. I do not like to confront anyone over anything. Ever - and it does not seem to matter why or what it is about; even if it has nothing to do with another person and it is strictly about myself.

What happens when you think you know someone but find you don't know them at all?