What an Update...

Well I have not done an update since November 1st and that wasn't really an update on life. So this is going to be a jumbled post to try and catch up everyone on life.

I am at two non-stress tests (NST's) a week now. I normally go on Monday's and Thursday's. Not a lot of fun to just sit there for 20 minutes. Although I have yet to just sit there for 20 minutes.

The heart rate is supposed to be taken while the baby is awake. Okay well when Isabella is awake (heart rate needs to be over 140) she is moving non-stop. Her heart rate is usually up in the 190's. Well they can't take you off of the monitor if the heart rate is over 180! So I sit forever.

Or then there is the time when she isn't awake and no matter what they do (give me water to drink, buzz and zap Isabella) she wakes for a moment and then back to sleep she goes. So it takes forever.

I must admit it hasn't been that bad yet because I have heard of women sitting for hours and hours for these things and I am usually out of there in a hour - so for that I am grateful! Yet the driving two and from twice a week plus my once a week for the other OB - gas, gas, and more gas! Gets a bit frustrating when you are without a job.

Well to save on gas on November 1st I headed over to the local social security office. I have been getting disability since 2003.

I have bipolar disorder and I have been in a mental health hospital twice now. Not a big deal really but Todd was not supportive and felt that they were my bills and he was not going to help pay them. So I had to look to non-profit organizations to help me pay for it. They would not help because of Todd's income though so they suggested I go to the state.

So I went to the state of Michigan for help. Well since I had a private insurance they assume that you have a disability and won't even process your help for medical assistance until after you have applied for Social Security Disability. So that is what I did. I didn't expect to get it - thought I would get the help from the state. Instead I got approved for disability. Got the approval for Medicaid as well but with a $10000.00 spend down per month. Well if I had that money I would not have needed the help in the first place.

Anyway - I went there because after years and years of calling to see if my children qualified for SI (supplemental income) I finally got an appointment and was told they should qualify. Well I got a letter while I was in the hospital telling me I needed to send them an original birth certificate for Kyle. So I called the 800 number on the sheet of paper I had. Well I asked them if I could just go into the local office to get it taken care of because they could not guarantee they would sent it back to me and I wasn't going to waste $13 to get a new one for him.

I was a bit disappointed though. I went and did the whole interview on the 1st. It was nice to get it over with actually. Although I was disappointed because I found out had I applied for it (SI) for the boys back when I applied - I would have had a back-check for the boys that I could have bought a trailer with. That would have eliminated my monthly expenses by over $400 a month. So because the lady who did the original interview said to me your boys won't qualify for it so do you really want to waste my time and your time - it takes about a hour to do. I said no.

So learn this lesson from me - if you EVER need to apply for anything - make sure you apply for everything when you first apply!

So now here is a glimpse into my weekend... Jack has been around most weekends. He comes over after work/football games on Friday nights. Comes over on Saturday nights and occasional comes over on Sunday nights.

Well this weekend was no different. It just makes me wonder though. I try not to worry or think about it but it does make me wonder what will it be like when Isabella is finally here.

Is he going to come and go like he does now? Is he only going to be here at nights? Is he going to just assume because she lives with me that he can still do what he wants when he wants without talking to me first? Is anything going to really change?

I have told some friends before that things just don't change once a baby is born. Men don't just change because a baby is here. I have seen it before; Todd didn't change. Neither did Keith. Chad hasn't changed. Paul hasn't changed. I mean seriously - I don't see men changing once the babies are here. I wish it did happen but it just doesn't seem to be the case...

I am also having nightmares. I am having dreams that I got into labor early and I can't reach Jack. Of course this is a normal thing but I don't like the feelings I have when I wake up from them. I am having panic attacks... It is the worse feeling in the world. I told him I was feeling like that last night and he said well that's it - I am not going hunting. I told him not to be crazy he was going hunting. I have never gone into labor early unless induced so I am not too worried about it but you know with all that has gone wrong this pregnancy - it is something that might be there as a problem.

Really what else went on this weekend was not much. I spent all day Saturday and Sunday working on the mounds of dirty laundry that has built up in my house.

After being in the hospital and being put on bed-rest - I have been doing a load a day. Yet keep in mind - normally that would be all that I needed to do; a load (or two) a day. Of course though while I was gone - no one did the laundry for me so I have been playing catch up on my laundry.

I am still not finished with it but I am so much closer than I was. I hate laundry. I really do. I love the clean clothing you get afterwards but I hate the washing, drying, folding/hanging and then putting it away.

I guess if I wasn't 33 weeks pregnant it might be a bit easier to bend over to get it taken care of. Unfortunately I am 33 weeks pregnant and Isabella is growing like a weed. Her bottom is up in my ribs now 99% of the time. So most things I do take a bit of extra effort to get accomplished...

The Day After Halloween....

It was a rainy night last night. It started to sprinkle as we went outside - go figure. Then it started to get really windy. We still went trick or treating though.

We didn't make it through the whole neighborhood as they had planned. After about a hour and 15 minutes of walking Adam's feet were hurting and Kyle was tired of doing it as well. So we left.

I broke my umbrella. Actually the wind broke my umbrella. I cut myself on it. At least I was able to get it to stop bleeding. Darn blood thinners!

Below are some pictures of the boys on Halloween. I am going to be picture happy for a while now.

Ninja Adam

Deathman Kyle

Adam with his pumpkin and bag of candy after we got home.

Kyle with his pumpkin and bag of candy after we got home.

Kyle and Adam after we got home. Yes I have taught my children to not play with guns and knives and swords. You can see how well they have learned.


Finally got a really good smile out of Adam. Only to have Kyle in the background being a ham as usual!

No Laughing...

I have been trying to figure out what was wrong with my digital camera. Well today I got it working again! I am sooooo very excited.

So I am posting a picture of my belly at 32 weeks and 5 days. There is NO laughing and don't mind the water spots on the mirror...

Also I have tried to explain this picture I have on the wall to a friend of mine - so I am placing it here for him to finally see it!

Happy Halloween!

Halloween is today. Adam is excited to go out. Kyle changes his mind every other minute on if he is going out, staying in, and then what he plans on being. I give up - he is 14 and when he finally decides he will let me know...

I am going to be walking Adam this year. It isn't my favorite thing to do and since I am supposed to be on bed-rest still I am not supposed to be doing it. Yet I am.

Last night we did pumpkins. I break out in a rash from the darn pumpkin guts. Adam loves pumpkin seeds roasted (and so do I). So I spent a good couple of hours digging in the pumpkin guts and pulling out the seeds. I was hurting and exhausted by the time I was done.

Then to be honest with me being pregnant I should not have been cooking them anyway. I forgot to spray the pan - put them in the oven - stirred them a few times - each time throwing some off the pan into the oven - filling the house with smoke - but at least in the end they turned out okay.

Was not as many as we normally have but they still taste good. Adam took some in a bag to school today. He was really happy. I think that is one of his favorite things this time of year!

Well just wanted to say to those who do celebrate (even if it doesn't make you happy):

HAPPY

HALLOWEEN

FRIENDS

AND

FAMILY!

It Was The Day Before Halloween....

and one of my best friends had no Halloween costumes for her 3 (of 4) children. So I scurried around trying to find things for the little buggers...

Financially for most I know it has been rough; including myself of course. Yet I am a sucker when it comes to children.

It isn't their fault their parents are not maintaining jobs. They still have a right to the things they had in the past. The husband was cut down to part time work in September. He knew about it in the beginning of August. He still doesn't have a second job or full time job to make up for what was lost. He isn't even looking. Of course I probably should just let them deal with it on their own but being the person I am - I could not do that...

Adam was Anakin Skywalker last year. The costume was the one when he flew in that race. Of course it will be huge on Joshua but at least it is a costume for him. So I spent some time and found the mask and costume itself.

When they came out here to pick it up he seemed to be pretty happy with it. He put the mask on and just laughed about it. He is such a funny child at times. I am hoping he enjoys it...

April whom is their middle child gets a hand me down costume. Last year her sister was Snow White. So this year she gets to be Snow White. So I didn't have to try and come up with a costume for her.

Okay so I know the reality is I didn't have to come up with anything for any of them but I felt bad and wanted to help. It is just who I am.

I could have nothing for myself and be in such need on my own (like I am) and yet I will do what I have to do for others who are in need as well.

Taylor is their oldest child. She really as the rest of them had no choice in what she was going to be. I went to a service center where I get to "shop" twice a month and used one of my shops.

They had a white dress with a white knit shawl that I pieced together.

So she gets to be a bride this year. Might not be what she wanted but it was what I could find. She will just have to be happy with it.

At the same time of being there for one of my shops though I did find somethings that we can use to make some Christmas presents out of.

They had a couple of pie tins up there. Has anyone ever put an image on a pie pan and than taken a hammer and nail and pounded it out? They take a bit of time but they turn out pretty neat. So I am going to spend some time looking around online to see if we can find something cool to make for my parents or whomever the boys decide to do it for. I got two pie tins so they each get one.

Oh and my boys for Halloween are going to be a Ninja and Napoleon Dynamite.

Can you figure out who is who?

All we are doing is recycling whatever we have around... I sure do miss my things - the things I used to have at the house that could just throw things together. I could whip up a costume in no time with all of the things I had there.

I am not into possessions but some times I really miss some of those types of things. LOL

Boy there is nothing like a child being happy with what is in front of them! Makes you day you know... Just knowing you helped them out and made them smile.

Somehow no matter how horrible your day is - when the children smile and laugh - all worries seem to go away...

Parenting

This is how I feel by the end of most days. I would just like to pull my hair out.

I am not the best parent in the world. I am more than aware of this.

I say things and do things that I should not in front of my children. I open my mouth and spew things out and then go what the hell was I thinking when I did that.

I know that one of my biggest problems is that I say to much to my boys. Actually not both of them but to my oldest one.

He knows his dad is gone out of the country. He understands it is partly because his dad no longer wanted to pay child support for him. Should he know this - probably not and yet he does. He also know how stressful he makes the world for others. He understands his anger and lack of motivation frustrate the hell out of people.

Just to give you an idea as to what goes on or doesn't go on. He comes home from school today and asks me what toothbrush is his. What are you serious? I send you into the bathroom every morning and every evening and you have had the same toothbrush for about 5 months now and you have no idea which one is yours?

So I ask him if he has not been brushing his teeth and he admits he has not been. Then after I tell him what toothbrush is his - he goes and looks at it - and then goes to his room.

ALL WITHOUT BRUSHING HIS TEETH!

Then tonight I find he has sold a bike that does not belong to him. His typical response, "I am stupid" Okay well no one in this house tells him he is stupid. He has been told that choices he has made are not wise ones and sometimes stupid ones (not from me)but he has never been told he is stupid. As a matter of fact when he calls himself stupid he is corrected. Yet tonight - I wanted to agree with him. I wanted to say yes you are being stupid. Of course I did not though.

What in the heck goes on in that brain of his? I just don't get it.

Then he is yelling at me and arguing with me over what he did. So I send him to his room until he can talk to me with respect in his voice instead of the ton of disrespect he is using. Of course then it is my fault and so on.

As he is going he lets me know he has $60 to spend at Grandma's and he will just get the money from her. Ummmmm - great. So I call my mom to find out how much money he has (cause I am guessing he isn't going to be buying the bike back for what he sold it for). I find out he has $15 left out of his money. Great, probably not going to be enough money. Then she proceeds to tell me how the other parents are not good parents because how can you let a kid come home with two bikes and not explain them.

She is ALWAYS looking for ways to make the other people involved be the bad people. Not Kyle; nothing wrong with Kyle; nothing he did was wrong, etc. Of course she says well he can have the money but he has to be the one to call them and get the bike back.

Well no shit - I am not going to be the one who calls up this kid and says, "You need to sell the bike back to my son for what you bought it for." Duh!

This is my life. This is my daily life. I get frustrated so darn fast with his stupidity. I really do. I keep on wondering what line I was standing in when God handed out the patience's because I have zero when it comes to Kyle at this point. I try and try and try and yet each and every day he proves to me how many things he can do that are just lacking in the thinking department and I lose it - immediately.

God help me because at this point - his anger, destruction, lack of respect - are killing me.

Ghosts....

Okay so it isn't that I believe in ghosts per say but I do believe in my past haunting me. The ghosts from the past creep up into my current relationship. Do I enjoy it - not at all - but it does happen.

This past weekend seemed to be one of those. I tried to just block it all out. I tried to just let it go because at times it is hard for me to tell the difference between what is going on and the true past haunting me.

I find that I write letters to Jack and but never them to him. I am trying to sort things out for me. I am trying to see what is actually going on vs what is from the past creeping into my life.

Well I wrote a letter yesterday. I ended up saving it at the same time I was saving a list of baby items needed. I swapped the titled and did not realize it. I was tired and my head hurt (that is what happens when you sit and cry I guess).

I ended up sending him the letter instead of the baby list. Today I felt mortified. I felt like an ass. I was upset he read it. I cried a lot today. It wasn't that it was a horrible letter but my mouth and feelings tend to be straight forward and the choosing of my words - when writing for myself - is not really done. I mean I am writing it for myself to sort through feelings - I am not doing it for other people to read; so I am not all so careful with what I write.

He wanted to talk about it and I could not do it. I wanted to try but I just could not do it. I tried a little bit but I was not successful. He thinks I am making ant hills into mole hills. To be fair he is probably correct. I tend to worry and over-think and project.

So how do I get away from doing that? How do I get away from doing any of this?

I do not want to let the ghosts from the past run my life anymore. I do not want to give those ghosts a chance at ruining my current relationships.

I do want to find new ways to cope with things. I do want to be able to talk to people in my life without fear of what they will think or say.

I do not want to change my past but I want to be able to move beyond it. I would not be who I am today if it was not for the past things in my life; good or bad...