I Am Blogging....

Just trying a new location - wanna read still - contact me and I will give you the updated site....

ingodsgracenow at gmail dot com

Crazy...

Life has been crazy - but I guess not any more crazy than normally.

Yesterday I got through 14 boxes from the basement. I know that sounds like a ton but these are all the boxes I got when Todd gave me some of my stuff.

Going to have a garage sale and in order to have one of those - I guess I need things to sell - so it is all the stuff from the basement. Well not all of it but.... My living room is a mess from it - I have a trash pile, a keep pile, a maybe pile and a sell pile.

I actually feel good about getting that much done yesterday. I am planning on getting 15 to 20 boxes done a day. Of course that number will vary greatly depending upon a daughter of mine!

My plan is to have a garage sale by the first weekend of June. We will see what happens with that!

There is so much more I want to write about but that will be another post...

BLOG....

The reminder was just given by a friend after getting back in touch with him after a long and hard phone conversation....

Why is life so hard? Maybe it isn't as hard as I think it is but it feels like it - especially at times like this...

I had to do parenting time coordination today. Nothing was resolved. Not a thing!

I in many ways was proud of myself for not backing down or giving up a single day! On the other hand we now need to go through a custody evaluation.

My fear is Adam will no longer live with me. I can see it happening. I can see me losing Adam.

I have to ready the house. I have to ready my life. I have to ready my heart and mind for the just in case.

I know that I might be told it is silly to worry about that because it might not happen but what if it does happen. Then what? I would lose it is I lost him...

Here is the kicker - Adam's dad does not feel I am a fit parent. His parents don't see me as a fit parent. My parents did a while ago and you know I am pretty sure they still don't feel I am fit.

I did have some issues. I admit that. I have been working on those issues and things are better.

I am bipolar and I have been in the hospital because of it before. It doesn't mean I am a bad person or a bad mom. It just means I needed more help at one point.

I am worried about this. I don't know how not to worry about it. I don't even know if that is the right word but I guess I just have to prepare...

Babies...

My oldest baby is 15. He is just like me; which is scary. At times I think he is worse than me. He has gone through so much, had a rough life and there is nothing anyone can do for him. He is a great kid who struggles with normal things. It does not matter how much anyone tries to help him - this is who he is - this is who he is choosing to be. Not only does he has these issues he is dealing with - he has the normal teen hormonal changes he is dealing with. At times I think he must feel like the world is out to get him; I know I did...

My middle baby is 9. He is like me in many ways but different at the same time. He has the caring and worrying about him like I do. I am sad though because I see him becoming more like his father every day. The narcissistic tendencies are coming out more and more and it is really sad. He has to have done whatever you have done or read about it. He must know more than you. It is like something compels him to be like this. I know where it comes from but how do you get that need, that urgency, that want to go away? It isn't healthy for him and it worries me to see him doing this. Who wants a known it all as a friend? You are never right, you can never be right, you can't carry on a conversation without an argument - it isn't any fun!

My youngest baby is 5 months old. Where did the time go for this little one? She is my light right now. At this point - I am what she needs. She needs me to survive still. I love the smile she gets when she sees me - even at 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6 AM. She is one of the lights in my day right now. I have some concerns with her but they are being addressed so what more could I ask for.

Then there is my fur baby. She is 4 months 3 weeks 5 days. She is a holy terror at times but overall she is the best dog! You can sit there with your face in her bowl while she is eating, take a bone out of her mouth while she is chewing it and she just licks you! I am very grateful (even though I want to pull my hair out when she is really acting like a puppy) we got her! Amazing temperament!

There are so many things I wish I had done differently with my babies but if I had - I wouldn't be the person I am today... Sometimes that can be a good thing and sometimes a bad thing...

Does it make me crazy to want more? LOL

Am I a Blogger or Not?!

I love to write. I love to blog. I need to get things out to work things out. I am someone who must put it down in order to really sort through it.

So why did I stop blogging?

I seem to live in fear. Fear of saying things, fear of doing things, fear of what will happen if I speak my mind.

Where did all of this come from? How did I become this person living like this?

So for me - I want to get back to blogging. Life has it ups and downs and for me - to work through them - I need to write...

So keep your eyes open because Blogging Amy is back (I hope)...

Where is my Voice?

How do you find your voice when you are scared of someone? Even after being gone for all this time (20 months).

He called this morning and instantly I started to shake and get sick to my stomach.

We are supposed to be having parenting time coordination this week and he will get what he wants because I am so afraid of the repercussions of speaking out.

I have given in on everything. Maybe I haven't really - maybe that is just my perception of the way it has been. I really don't know anymore.

When I look back though - I have given in. I am just hurting inside because of the stress all of this has caused in my life.

I have rosacea. I hate being in public because of how I look. It gets worse anytime I have to deal with him. Anytime I get stressed over this. I don't want to do anything because of how I look. I make plans and then look at myself and cancel them.

When I look back - maybe it wasn't so bad. Maybe what I felt was abuse really isn't abuse. This part of it is bad - and it is killing me slowly inside.

Relay for Life/Laps for Life

Each year Rockford holds a Relay for Life. Every year so far Meadow Ridge has participated in it. They do their best to get all of their students involved with their teachers.

This year though the 3rd grade teachers are taking a slot that is during the night. So they are holding a "Laps for Life" for their class.

Tomorrow the kids will be walking around the soccer field for a hour. They are doing their laps for the Relay to earn money to help find a cure.

As some of you may know my Dad was recently diagnosed with prostate cancer. Because of this Adam really wants to help.

If anyone would like to pledge per lap please let me know. We have to turn the funds in by May 2nd.

Adam believes he will be able to do about 15 to 20 laps in the hour they are given!

Please let me know. Even if you decide to pledge after it is over but it is before the 1st of May - he would be happy he did his part.

Thanks everyone!
Amy and Adam