Been over-thinking the conversation Todd and I had last week. More and more I think about what he said and it just makes no sense to me at all.
He has said for a long time he doesn't really believe I am bipolar. So then he was blaming him questioning the money I was spending on if I was manic and then he thought maybe I wasn't taking my meds and then he found a script that I never filled and got worried.
Well he still thinks when I went to pine rest for the mania and then for the depression that I was just faking it and trying to punish him.
So how is it that after all these years (almost 9 to be exact) that he is all of a sudden worried about my bipolar and believes I have it but yet still doesn't think my trips to pine rest were anything more than a payback?
He tells me I am the one playing the games and yet I don't think it is me. Is it wrong to feel as if he is playing games with me and then blaming me for them?
I love him so much it hurts to not be with him. I am sad. I am getting to the point where I am not sad but depressed. It is starting to worry me.
I am really confused and need to stop over analysing everything that is said.
Went to church today. Oh did it feel good. I have missed my church family. I know I only missed one Sunday but really to me - it feels like so much more than one Sunday.
Sunday, September 3, 2006
Saturday, September 2, 2006
Another Saturday...
It is about 7:30 and once again I am awake. I have been awake for a while now. Just getting up and about though.
I called Todd last night and I find that once again I am making all the effort. He has a wall up and is working on organizing the house.
I am kind of angry and sad today. I need to call because if he thinks it will be it will be a long while before we get help then I am going to put Adam in Rogue Wood because I can't afford to drive him back and forth every day with a job. I can if I have a part time job but if I get a full time job I won't be able to do that. He will need to be able to ride the bus.
He has not even asked to see the boys. He told me he put walls up and maybe he does not want them to come down.
I am getting a computer today. I also need to get some female things - like a new bra. My old one had the underwire snap - it is pinching me and I need a new one.
Last night was a really rough night for me. I found myself hating going to bed. I go into a single bed, alone and there is no one there. I am depressed. I am missing my husband and his arms. I miss his voice and his smell. I miss him. I want him to love me so much that he wants this stuff to be a priority but it isn't. I woke up a few times last night reaching for him. How heart breaking to realize he isn't there and I can't even get out of bed to go to him.
I miss my husband. I miss my marriage. I miss my house. I miss a lot of things. Not much I can do about them now though.
I called Todd last night and I find that once again I am making all the effort. He has a wall up and is working on organizing the house.
I am kind of angry and sad today. I need to call because if he thinks it will be it will be a long while before we get help then I am going to put Adam in Rogue Wood because I can't afford to drive him back and forth every day with a job. I can if I have a part time job but if I get a full time job I won't be able to do that. He will need to be able to ride the bus.
He has not even asked to see the boys. He told me he put walls up and maybe he does not want them to come down.
I am getting a computer today. I also need to get some female things - like a new bra. My old one had the underwire snap - it is pinching me and I need a new one.
Last night was a really rough night for me. I found myself hating going to bed. I go into a single bed, alone and there is no one there. I am depressed. I am missing my husband and his arms. I miss his voice and his smell. I miss him. I want him to love me so much that he wants this stuff to be a priority but it isn't. I woke up a few times last night reaching for him. How heart breaking to realize he isn't there and I can't even get out of bed to go to him.
I miss my husband. I miss my marriage. I miss my house. I miss a lot of things. Not much I can do about them now though.
Friday, September 1, 2006
Our Meeting
Todd and I had lunch yesterday. I felt positive when I left there but not as good as I should have felt I tell you.
I cried most of it. Didn't really eat. Every time I started to talk he would cut in and go on and on. It ended with him willing to get help but this was not going to be top priority for a few weeks. He has to get the house organized and his business organized and then he will deal with this. His mom is going to come and help him clean. I can only imagine what is going to be said about the shape the house is in.
I really don't know how I feel right now. Very confused and angry and hurt. I feel as if once again he is in control of what we are or are not doing.
I checked the spectrum website and it says I am up for an interview for two positions. I am pretty excited about that; I think.
I sent Todd some flowers and the note said, "I look forward to making this work. Call me anytime ***-***-****. I love you! Love Amy"
He never called me. I called him a while ago and was hurt again. He said thanks for the flowers. Sorry I didn't call but I was just to busy today to get around to it.
We talked for about 20 minutes. I asked him if he was willing to talk to Lew or if he wanted it to be someone else. He said he didn't know he would think about it.
I was talking about how I missed our home and he said he didn't think it was a good idea and we need to work our problems out first. Great so when is it we are going to be doing that? On his time frame?!
I just have an overwhelming feeling of sadness because I miss him and our home. I am crying a lot right now.
I cried most of it. Didn't really eat. Every time I started to talk he would cut in and go on and on. It ended with him willing to get help but this was not going to be top priority for a few weeks. He has to get the house organized and his business organized and then he will deal with this. His mom is going to come and help him clean. I can only imagine what is going to be said about the shape the house is in.
I really don't know how I feel right now. Very confused and angry and hurt. I feel as if once again he is in control of what we are or are not doing.
I checked the spectrum website and it says I am up for an interview for two positions. I am pretty excited about that; I think.
I sent Todd some flowers and the note said, "I look forward to making this work. Call me anytime ***-***-****. I love you! Love Amy"
He never called me. I called him a while ago and was hurt again. He said thanks for the flowers. Sorry I didn't call but I was just to busy today to get around to it.
We talked for about 20 minutes. I asked him if he was willing to talk to Lew or if he wanted it to be someone else. He said he didn't know he would think about it.
I was talking about how I missed our home and he said he didn't think it was a good idea and we need to work our problems out first. Great so when is it we are going to be doing that? On his time frame?!
I just have an overwhelming feeling of sadness because I miss him and our home. I am crying a lot right now.
Wednesday, August 30, 2006
My Church, My Home, My Family
Had things I had to get done today but what I was most excited about was the fact that the arts picnic at church was today. Oh have my missed my church family.
Lindsey called me last night and we talked for a while. I spent time on the phone with Nicki, called and left my number at my brothers, and my parents. Also talked with Jean. Lindsey and Tony want us to come and live with them.
I was ready to jump at it but if I do then I am no longer homeless and I have a much longer weight for things. I really wanted to just say yes but said I would pray about it.
Then the boys were with them tonight. Of course Tony wanted to talk. He didn't understand why I could not just come and move in with him and Linds and live rent free and just help with groceries and save up money.
A few things stopped me from jumping on the chance. If I am there supposed to be saving money I feel as if I am going to have to account for each and every penny I spend. I don't want to feel like that. I just went through all of that with Todd. Not that I should not have to account for what I spend to my husband but he never did and it always made me feel guilty when he questioned everything I did.
Well I got back to the shelter and decided I had enough of being there. I called Linds and told her we were coming. So we packed up and left.
Lindsey called me last night and we talked for a while. I spent time on the phone with Nicki, called and left my number at my brothers, and my parents. Also talked with Jean. Lindsey and Tony want us to come and live with them.
I was ready to jump at it but if I do then I am no longer homeless and I have a much longer weight for things. I really wanted to just say yes but said I would pray about it.
Then the boys were with them tonight. Of course Tony wanted to talk. He didn't understand why I could not just come and move in with him and Linds and live rent free and just help with groceries and save up money.
A few things stopped me from jumping on the chance. If I am there supposed to be saving money I feel as if I am going to have to account for each and every penny I spend. I don't want to feel like that. I just went through all of that with Todd. Not that I should not have to account for what I spend to my husband but he never did and it always made me feel guilty when he questioned everything I did.
Well I got back to the shelter and decided I had enough of being there. I called Linds and told her we were coming. So we packed up and left.
Tuesday, August 29, 2006
Broken
I feel as if I keep on hitting brick walls. Go down to the courthouse today. I can not file for temporary custody until a motion is filed. So what that means is unless I file for a divorce a motions for custody can not happen. Now I could just file a motion for custody but that is just for unwed people.
So I ended up calling the school to find out what I could do. We are going to have me schooling Adam for the first couple of weeks.Went to call Qwest and MCI today. Todd had put all of those into his name. Well I had to remove myself from the MCI one but I am not looking to hurt him or his company. The Qwest one they already took my name off of it.
I am broken inside at this moment. I realized today that this marriage is probable over. He switched the bills into his name. Instead of worrying about calling Pastor Mark or Lew he called the bills because he still thinks I am the old me. The one looking to hurt him. The one who will make him pay.
"Fear not Amy - I the Lord am with you and you are 4GVN"
My heart broke today when it dawned on me - he does not love me enough to want to make the marriage work.
I fear he has already filed for a divorce. Of course he is going to want Adam.
I am feeling broken Lord. Very broken. I feel as if I should have just stayed and lived with it all.
I have not called family because I am afraid of what they are going to say. Must be my bipolar. Me just doing things without thinking.
I am broken.
So I ended up calling the school to find out what I could do. We are going to have me schooling Adam for the first couple of weeks.Went to call Qwest and MCI today. Todd had put all of those into his name. Well I had to remove myself from the MCI one but I am not looking to hurt him or his company. The Qwest one they already took my name off of it.
I am broken inside at this moment. I realized today that this marriage is probable over. He switched the bills into his name. Instead of worrying about calling Pastor Mark or Lew he called the bills because he still thinks I am the old me. The one looking to hurt him. The one who will make him pay.
"Fear not Amy - I the Lord am with you and you are 4GVN"
My heart broke today when it dawned on me - he does not love me enough to want to make the marriage work.
I fear he has already filed for a divorce. Of course he is going to want Adam.
I am feeling broken Lord. Very broken. I feel as if I should have just stayed and lived with it all.
I have not called family because I am afraid of what they are going to say. Must be my bipolar. Me just doing things without thinking.
I am broken.
Monday, August 28, 2006
Frustrations and Praises
It is only 3:10 and I am burnt out today. I was close to getting on my hands and knees and begging Todd to let me come back. Telling myself it really was not all that bad and I was making a mountain out of a mole hill. At least that is how I feel right now.
Kyle is acting out with subtle violence against Adam. He is being very defiant and being here I have a very hard time. he is rude and disrespectful in front of everyone and I can no nothing other than trying to make him take a timeout. I am in tears over this a lot.
Adam is getting blamed for so much by Kyle and he is just taking it. I am at a loss.
Close to buying a pack of cigarettes. Do I need that habit again? Of course not but it would be nice to just smoke one I keep on thinking.
Went to FIA today. I make to much money for help from them. A family of three can only make $471.00 a month to be able to qualify for assistance. Are they nuts? I mean how in the heck does a family of three live on that? Went to the social security office today and I can not get Kyles SS card. We changed his name in 2001 or 2002 and they can not find the paperwork we gave them. It was never changed in their system. So I need a legal paper with his old and new names on it and the court paper that shows the change. Well I am not at home so how can I get something wit his old and new name on it?
I got back here and go to fill out the housing paperwork and I am told the waiting list is long. Over two years for Salvation Army and about four months for Project H.E.A.L. AHHHHHHHHHHH!
Made an appointment with legal aid as well today. First opening is September 12th. Okay so now what do I do about the boys and school? I am told I need to file for temporary custody with immediate consideration. I go to the courthouse. Sent to the 5th floor and they are closed on Monday and Friday. Sent to the 3rd floor - told I need to go to the 2nd floor. Get to the 2nd floor and i am told you can only file here - I need the paperwork. Of course it all leads back to me needing to get it from the 5th floor and that is closed on Monday and Fridays. So I left and went to Rockford to go and turn in my apartment application. I stood for about 15 minutes listening to a women talk about all the apartments her daughter has lived in and how bad they were. Then I got to turn in my application finally. Lucky for me it turned into a good thing. If I can verify the my things (which are; disability, living in a shelter and letters from my PDoc about the abuse) I will be close to top of the list if not already. It would be about 30 days she said. Well that means for about 2 weeks or so I would need to find a place to live. Lord willing it will work out. She actually has a 2 bedroom open rightnow but I would need to be on section 8 housing and of course they are not accepting any applications right now.
So my chores today were the kitchen from 1-2 (sweep floor, dishes, counters and food). Plus the 2nd floor bathroom tonight. Well i am okay with both of these but there was poop all over the toilet. All they have are latex gloves to clean and I am allergic to latex. So I had to clean it all with bare hands. The ladies on the 2nd floor think I am prejudice. I tried and tried to talk to them and finally gave up after being ignored. So now they think I am an issue with them; so this should add to it. I must admit though I am the only white person with white children here and that is where the problem is coming from. It just seems kind of odd. Am I the only white person who is has these issues or am I the only one who can't provide for herself? It has been a long frustrating day for me. I am hoping Wanda will have some good news for me tomorrow. Of course it might be another month before I have a place. Plus that means I will have to find a place for a week or so. Now I am repeating myself.
Lord this has been a really trying day for me. I need to praise You so thank you for the small things You have done for me today. The hope that was given from Hillview. The glorious rain that watered the grass. Lord please be with Todd. Comfort him. Help him see what he will be missing if he chooses not to get help. Lord I love him and I love You. I am pleading with You to help this marriage. Make it a God driven marriage and family. I bring my needs and want for this marriage to You. I know I have reservations in my heart but it is because I am so afraid he does not love me enough to want this to work. So I am trying to prepare my heart for the worse; but that is not for me to do - it is for You to do. I am praying for the best outcome there can be Lord. In Your name - Amen.
Kyle is acting out with subtle violence against Adam. He is being very defiant and being here I have a very hard time. he is rude and disrespectful in front of everyone and I can no nothing other than trying to make him take a timeout. I am in tears over this a lot.
Adam is getting blamed for so much by Kyle and he is just taking it. I am at a loss.
Close to buying a pack of cigarettes. Do I need that habit again? Of course not but it would be nice to just smoke one I keep on thinking.
Went to FIA today. I make to much money for help from them. A family of three can only make $471.00 a month to be able to qualify for assistance. Are they nuts? I mean how in the heck does a family of three live on that? Went to the social security office today and I can not get Kyles SS card. We changed his name in 2001 or 2002 and they can not find the paperwork we gave them. It was never changed in their system. So I need a legal paper with his old and new names on it and the court paper that shows the change. Well I am not at home so how can I get something wit his old and new name on it?
I got back here and go to fill out the housing paperwork and I am told the waiting list is long. Over two years for Salvation Army and about four months for Project H.E.A.L. AHHHHHHHHHHH!
Made an appointment with legal aid as well today. First opening is September 12th. Okay so now what do I do about the boys and school? I am told I need to file for temporary custody with immediate consideration. I go to the courthouse. Sent to the 5th floor and they are closed on Monday and Friday. Sent to the 3rd floor - told I need to go to the 2nd floor. Get to the 2nd floor and i am told you can only file here - I need the paperwork. Of course it all leads back to me needing to get it from the 5th floor and that is closed on Monday and Fridays. So I left and went to Rockford to go and turn in my apartment application. I stood for about 15 minutes listening to a women talk about all the apartments her daughter has lived in and how bad they were. Then I got to turn in my application finally. Lucky for me it turned into a good thing. If I can verify the my things (which are; disability, living in a shelter and letters from my PDoc about the abuse) I will be close to top of the list if not already. It would be about 30 days she said. Well that means for about 2 weeks or so I would need to find a place to live. Lord willing it will work out. She actually has a 2 bedroom open rightnow but I would need to be on section 8 housing and of course they are not accepting any applications right now.
So my chores today were the kitchen from 1-2 (sweep floor, dishes, counters and food). Plus the 2nd floor bathroom tonight. Well i am okay with both of these but there was poop all over the toilet. All they have are latex gloves to clean and I am allergic to latex. So I had to clean it all with bare hands. The ladies on the 2nd floor think I am prejudice. I tried and tried to talk to them and finally gave up after being ignored. So now they think I am an issue with them; so this should add to it. I must admit though I am the only white person with white children here and that is where the problem is coming from. It just seems kind of odd. Am I the only white person who is has these issues or am I the only one who can't provide for herself? It has been a long frustrating day for me. I am hoping Wanda will have some good news for me tomorrow. Of course it might be another month before I have a place. Plus that means I will have to find a place for a week or so. Now I am repeating myself.
Lord this has been a really trying day for me. I need to praise You so thank you for the small things You have done for me today. The hope that was given from Hillview. The glorious rain that watered the grass. Lord please be with Todd. Comfort him. Help him see what he will be missing if he chooses not to get help. Lord I love him and I love You. I am pleading with You to help this marriage. Make it a God driven marriage and family. I bring my needs and want for this marriage to You. I know I have reservations in my heart but it is because I am so afraid he does not love me enough to want this to work. So I am trying to prepare my heart for the worse; but that is not for me to do - it is for You to do. I am praying for the best outcome there can be Lord. In Your name - Amen.
Sunday, August 27, 2006
Fears
Today was full of emotions. We went to Paul and Lisa's for the day. We went early so I could get some things done. I started to get worried because he had not touched our joint account and no one had heard from him as far as I knew. I called Julie and Joerg and they called all three of our phone numbers and left a message because he did not answer. Then I called the police to have them go and check on him. They called back to say he was out mowing the lawn and fine. Then I called Julie back and he was calling Joerg at the same time. He said something about if she wants to talk to me she needs to call me herself or if she wants to know how I am she needs to call me herself. Basically it came down to I needed to call him. So then I was upset because he seems to not care. It was frustrating. I went from one extreme to the next extreme.
When I got to Lisa's today I lost it. First time I really cried over all this. I mean I cried the first night with the boys but today it hit so hard. In less than a year I might be single and I do not want to be. I want my husband to see this is a big deal and we do need help.I want my husband. I want my marriage.
Lord I bring my marriage before you now. You are an awesome Lord. You created the heavens and earth. you sent Your only Son to this earth to die for my sins. Lord You can make miracles happen. Please bring our family back together. I do not want my children to suffer for their parents sin. I believe my marriage can work just as I believe in Your love and forgiveness. In Your name - Amen.
Todd I love you. I do not want this to end but I can not go on like this. I am pleading for help to be gotten. This is no longer in my hands - it is in yours and the Lords. I love you - Amy Lee
When I got to Lisa's today I lost it. First time I really cried over all this. I mean I cried the first night with the boys but today it hit so hard. In less than a year I might be single and I do not want to be. I want my husband to see this is a big deal and we do need help.I want my husband. I want my marriage.
Lord I bring my marriage before you now. You are an awesome Lord. You created the heavens and earth. you sent Your only Son to this earth to die for my sins. Lord You can make miracles happen. Please bring our family back together. I do not want my children to suffer for their parents sin. I believe my marriage can work just as I believe in Your love and forgiveness. In Your name - Amen.
Todd I love you. I do not want this to end but I can not go on like this. I am pleading for help to be gotten. This is no longer in my hands - it is in yours and the Lords. I love you - Amy Lee
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