I keep on reading and re-reading all the letters and I want to scream....
So maybe I am wrong. Maybe I just need to give in. Maybe I just need to go file for divorce and say screw this.
I am frustrated right now.
I could end it all (or I would like to think so) by just asking for a paternity test for Adam but I won't.
I do not think me asking for us to wait to make this decision until we are in therapy is such a huge request.
My biggest concern is FOR the boys! Can you imagine how Kyle is going to feel? He is a 13 year old boy who is once again being rejected by the dad he has grown up knowing since he was 4.5 years old!
Adam does not deal with change well. How is he going to handle school and homework if he is being moved back and forth and things are done different in each home?I really just want it to all be over.
I really right now just want to say screw therapy and file for divorce.
Of course that isn't what I really want but each time I read these letters - I just want to cry and give in to make it all go away.
Monday, September 11, 2006
One Set of Letters
Dear Todd,
I listened to your voice-mail like I said I would and now I am going to respond to it like I said I would.
I want this marriage to work. I have not always been good at showing that and I am sorry for that. Although I have been working on changing me and my behaviors and reactions for over two in a half years now. I would hope that you have seen that as a willingness to make our marriage work. In order for it to work we need to created a partnership in which God is the primary focus for us. Right now I do not feel that we as a couple have that.
We do have things we need to work out and I am aware of that. Yet at the same time I have realized I have never had boundaries with anyone. So right now I am working on establishing those. I walked out of the restaurant yesterday because you kept on crossing some that I have created. It was not fair of me to not warn you of that fact and for that I am sorry but I am not sorry for walking out.
You said you were sorry if your opinion was hurting me. It was not an opinion you presented to me yesterday or this past Thursday when we met. It was presented as a fact. Your opinion would go more like, "Amy I feel as if you are playing games because of an issue you did not get your way on. It is something I have seen from you in the past and I still expect it today but that is just how I feel." An opinion is not telling someone they are wrong and replacing what they are saying. I told you four to five times yesterday that this is not a game and you would cut me off and tell me it was a game I started and I needed to finish. You would state that I didn't get my way and now I am throwing a fit to get my way. Those are not opinions because Todd that is not how I feel about this issue.
For me; from my point of view - this is not a game. We are on the verge of not being married anymore and that is not a game in my book. This is not about me not getting my way this is about our marriage and needing to repair a broken relationship.
If you are serious about wanting to work through our issues then from now on we need to do it with a third party present (preferable a Christian Therapist). I do not feel as if I am being heard at these lunches we are having and that makes me feel very frustrated. You are crossing boundaries I am trying to establish between me and others; and that includes you. We both have things we need to say and work through and I am willing to do that but only with someone else present. I am willing to pay for 1/2 of our sessions if you are. I went against what I had wanted to do in the first place to try and compromise (which was therapy with you) but that compromise is not working well for me. I have tried - twice and now I think we need to take a different approach to this.
I love you and I want this marriage to work. We have things we need to work on and I am willing but only with a third party at this point. If that is not acceptable to you please let me know.
Love,
Amy
-------------------------
Hi Amy,I want this marriage to work too. God knows, I have been trying to make “us” work for the past 8 years. It has been a very long and tiring road and you have to pardon me, but I’ve grown fairly weary after 8 years of conflict.
I did not meet you for lunch to discuss any of our issues or debate our positions on any of them. I did not wish to work on ANYTHING over lunch. I simply met with you to try and keep some sort of dialog going between us and determine what we need to do to start moving forward. Somehow that whole point got missed and we ended up debating with each other. Like you indicated, we should save those discussions for a time when we have a third-party present.
Regardless, that did not give you the right to simply get up and walk out on me without so much as telling me that you were leaving. You placed your order already and the restaurant had started to make it. They had to throw it away. I felt terrible for cancelling our orders and apologized multiple times to the waitress.
I am sorry that you felt I was stating anything as a fact. From my perspective it is a fact, so that must have come across in the way that I spoke to you. From your perspective it may not be a fact and I fully acknowledge that. We don’t have to debate that. We just have to agree that we don’t agree with each other.
After two attempts to meet with you and put a plan of action together, I am no longer convinced that anything can be achieved over lunch.
I would be willing to pay half the cost for counseling, as long as it is within reason. It might take a couple of interviews or initial sessions to find someone that we are both comfortable with. So we should probably get started as soon as possible. To be fair to both of us, we should probably find someone who does not have any prior knowledge of our issues and meet with them for the first time together. That way neither of us feels like the other person has tried to “stack the deck” in their favor.
If you have an idea of where to start, please let me know and I will find time in my schedule to meet.
-----------------------
Todd,
The first thing that has to be done is a call needs to be made to the insurance company to find out if they cover it and who they suggest we go to. They probably won't pay for any of it but we still need to let them know in case whomever we end up with tries to bill the insurance company.
If you would like me to take care of that please let me know and I will make the call on Monday morning.
As for what you wrote about it being a fact from your perspective - on your voicemail you said you were sorry your opinion hurt me and now you are calling it a fact. Either way; telling someone why they did something, how they feel and what they think is not appropriate and it is crossing boundaries I am setting for myself. I am asking you not to do it anymore or I will walk away again.
I am also going to ask that we hold off on the Adam/Kyle decision until after we find someone we both agree upon. I do not feel comfortable making any major decisions until we are speaking and can communicate. I am sorry if this makes you mad or upset but it is what I am asking.
Again please let me know if you want to schedule this or if you would like me to. I am asking that it be a Christian therapist who uses a Biblical basis for therapy. I also want to let you know I do not have a problem with it being someone who neither of us knows or has spoken to.
Love,
Amy
---------------------------------
Amy,
So basically, what you are saying is that you are not going to let me have equal time with Adam.
Is that correct?
-----------------------
Amy,
In regard to therapy, feel free to call the insurance company on Monday and find out whatever information you can. Please let me know what you find out.
When you are talking to them and they are suggesting therapists, indicate to them that we would like to find someone on the North side of town, as I do not want to be driving long distances in rush-hour traffic. Perhaps you should ask for a couple of references, so we don’t have to keep calling them back if things don’t work out and we need to move on. If we have a list of options, we can handle that ourselves.
-----------------------
I listened to your voice-mail like I said I would and now I am going to respond to it like I said I would.
I want this marriage to work. I have not always been good at showing that and I am sorry for that. Although I have been working on changing me and my behaviors and reactions for over two in a half years now. I would hope that you have seen that as a willingness to make our marriage work. In order for it to work we need to created a partnership in which God is the primary focus for us. Right now I do not feel that we as a couple have that.
We do have things we need to work out and I am aware of that. Yet at the same time I have realized I have never had boundaries with anyone. So right now I am working on establishing those. I walked out of the restaurant yesterday because you kept on crossing some that I have created. It was not fair of me to not warn you of that fact and for that I am sorry but I am not sorry for walking out.
You said you were sorry if your opinion was hurting me. It was not an opinion you presented to me yesterday or this past Thursday when we met. It was presented as a fact. Your opinion would go more like, "Amy I feel as if you are playing games because of an issue you did not get your way on. It is something I have seen from you in the past and I still expect it today but that is just how I feel." An opinion is not telling someone they are wrong and replacing what they are saying. I told you four to five times yesterday that this is not a game and you would cut me off and tell me it was a game I started and I needed to finish. You would state that I didn't get my way and now I am throwing a fit to get my way. Those are not opinions because Todd that is not how I feel about this issue.
For me; from my point of view - this is not a game. We are on the verge of not being married anymore and that is not a game in my book. This is not about me not getting my way this is about our marriage and needing to repair a broken relationship.
If you are serious about wanting to work through our issues then from now on we need to do it with a third party present (preferable a Christian Therapist). I do not feel as if I am being heard at these lunches we are having and that makes me feel very frustrated. You are crossing boundaries I am trying to establish between me and others; and that includes you. We both have things we need to say and work through and I am willing to do that but only with someone else present. I am willing to pay for 1/2 of our sessions if you are. I went against what I had wanted to do in the first place to try and compromise (which was therapy with you) but that compromise is not working well for me. I have tried - twice and now I think we need to take a different approach to this.
I love you and I want this marriage to work. We have things we need to work on and I am willing but only with a third party at this point. If that is not acceptable to you please let me know.
Love,
Amy
-------------------------
Hi Amy,I want this marriage to work too. God knows, I have been trying to make “us” work for the past 8 years. It has been a very long and tiring road and you have to pardon me, but I’ve grown fairly weary after 8 years of conflict.
I did not meet you for lunch to discuss any of our issues or debate our positions on any of them. I did not wish to work on ANYTHING over lunch. I simply met with you to try and keep some sort of dialog going between us and determine what we need to do to start moving forward. Somehow that whole point got missed and we ended up debating with each other. Like you indicated, we should save those discussions for a time when we have a third-party present.
Regardless, that did not give you the right to simply get up and walk out on me without so much as telling me that you were leaving. You placed your order already and the restaurant had started to make it. They had to throw it away. I felt terrible for cancelling our orders and apologized multiple times to the waitress.
I am sorry that you felt I was stating anything as a fact. From my perspective it is a fact, so that must have come across in the way that I spoke to you. From your perspective it may not be a fact and I fully acknowledge that. We don’t have to debate that. We just have to agree that we don’t agree with each other.
After two attempts to meet with you and put a plan of action together, I am no longer convinced that anything can be achieved over lunch.
I would be willing to pay half the cost for counseling, as long as it is within reason. It might take a couple of interviews or initial sessions to find someone that we are both comfortable with. So we should probably get started as soon as possible. To be fair to both of us, we should probably find someone who does not have any prior knowledge of our issues and meet with them for the first time together. That way neither of us feels like the other person has tried to “stack the deck” in their favor.
If you have an idea of where to start, please let me know and I will find time in my schedule to meet.
-----------------------
Todd,
The first thing that has to be done is a call needs to be made to the insurance company to find out if they cover it and who they suggest we go to. They probably won't pay for any of it but we still need to let them know in case whomever we end up with tries to bill the insurance company.
If you would like me to take care of that please let me know and I will make the call on Monday morning.
As for what you wrote about it being a fact from your perspective - on your voicemail you said you were sorry your opinion hurt me and now you are calling it a fact. Either way; telling someone why they did something, how they feel and what they think is not appropriate and it is crossing boundaries I am setting for myself. I am asking you not to do it anymore or I will walk away again.
I am also going to ask that we hold off on the Adam/Kyle decision until after we find someone we both agree upon. I do not feel comfortable making any major decisions until we are speaking and can communicate. I am sorry if this makes you mad or upset but it is what I am asking.
Again please let me know if you want to schedule this or if you would like me to. I am asking that it be a Christian therapist who uses a Biblical basis for therapy. I also want to let you know I do not have a problem with it being someone who neither of us knows or has spoken to.
Love,
Amy
---------------------------------
Amy,
So basically, what you are saying is that you are not going to let me have equal time with Adam.
Is that correct?
-----------------------
Amy,
In regard to therapy, feel free to call the insurance company on Monday and find out whatever information you can. Please let me know what you find out.
When you are talking to them and they are suggesting therapists, indicate to them that we would like to find someone on the North side of town, as I do not want to be driving long distances in rush-hour traffic. Perhaps you should ask for a couple of references, so we don’t have to keep calling them back if things don’t work out and we need to move on. If we have a list of options, we can handle that ourselves.
-----------------------
Another Set of Letters...
Amy,
Based on the way that Adam cuddled up with me at the game today, I’m pretty sure that was mostly because he missed me. I don’t think his leg really hurt too bad for him to go back out and play. I’m pretty sure he just wanted to use that chance to get time to sit on my lap and cuddle with me because he has been missing talking with me. That is one thing that he and I have always had. I have worked very hard to make sure he feels like he can talk to me and confide in me. I’m quite sure that he is having a hard time dealing with the fact that I am not around for him to talk to.
I could tell when we parted ways after the game, that part of him wanted to stay and talk more with me. I could tell, he has so many things that he wants to talk to me about and it breaks my heart to see him struggling with the fact that he has not been able to talk to me for a while.
I can’t imagine all of the emotions that he is trying to deal with right now. My heart aches just thinking about it.
No matter what happens between us, I want to make sure that we are not using the kids as “pawns” to gain an advantage in a dispute. That is why I have not made any request or attempt to get Adam back in the house. I also made sure not to bring up the subject with him today, other than telling him that I miss him very much. I do not want him to think that he has to make a choice between you and I. That would be a terrible choice for any child, let alone a 7 year old, let alone Adam who has one of the biggest hearts of most kids I know.
I would like to have some time to spend with Adam, so he knows that I am definitely still part of his life and that I am here for him, no matter what. Since this seems to be dragging out into a lengthy situation, I do not think it is good for his emotions to be kept away from me or the only home he has ever known, for this long. I want him to know that his home is still here, that he is loved, and that there is some certainty in his future.
Initially, I was just going to ask if he and I could go out to a movie and perhaps sit around and play games at the house. However, the more that I think about it, I’m wondering if it would be alright if we traded off every other week. He could stay here for the weekend and the following week, then stay with you for the next weekend and the following week. That would give him time with both of us, until we get things worked out.
I think if we started the cycle on a Friday night, that would give him something to look forward to at the end of the week. I also think that if he is with you on the weekends that you have Kyle, that will make sure that he has the most time to spend with his brother.
I’m not sure if Kyle is with you this weekend or with Keith. If he is with Keith this weekend, then I don’t really want to wait two more weeks to get time with Adam. I think it has been too long for him already and that he is having a very hard time trying to reconcile his emotions. So if Kyle is with Keith this weekend, please take some time to think this over and get back to me right away. Otherwise, if Kyle is with you this weekend, let’s try to come to a decision on this before Friday.
Thank you for taking the time to read this and I hope that you and I can work out an arrangement that will be the best thing for Adam.
Love,
Todd
-----------------------
Todd,
At this point in time you have not responded to my email. I need to hear from you regarding the email I sent. I need to know what your plans are for our marriage. Do you want to seek out therapy or not? At this point I can not discuss issues with you without having a therapist or Pastor present.
If you do then please let me know so that we can get into an appointment. I do not want to make any major decisions without a third party there.
I do not want to keep Adam or Kyle from you. I have offered for you to have time with them and you have turned me down each time. I also do not think it is fair to just take Adam and not Kyle; that is not sending a good message to Kyle.
Please let me know what your decision is regarding therapy so that we can get this started.
I am not using the children as pawns in this matter but our first priority should be working on us with a mediator/therapist. The kids do miss you Todd and so do I but our marriage and started to work it out needs to be the first priority right now.
Please let me know.
Love,
Amy
----------------------
Amy,
Last night, when I first read your emails, I was determined not to get into a debate with you, so I simply kept my reply short and to the point. However, I have taken some time to thoroughly think through how I should respond, so I am going to reply to you this morning. This letter is not intended to spark a debate of any kind. I am simply attempting to address the items you wrote about.
I do not feel that this is any type of “major” decision. This is about what is best for Adam. Surely, we can put our differences aside and come to a decision quickly, in Adam’s best interest, and not drag this out forever.I feel that putting the concerns about therapy and our marriage situation ahead of Adam’s emotional well-being is both selfish and irresponsible. Adam’s mental state is at the top of my priority list right now. The issues between you and I have been building up for over eight years and even with the best therapy available, will likely drag out for months, if not years. I do not feel it is fair to keep Adam away from his father and his home just because his parents are having issues communicating. He should not be used as a bargaining chip and based on the verbiage in your email, it is apparent to me that he is..
I have never received ANY offer, either in writing or verbally, for me to have time with either of the kids. The only offer I EVER received was to talk to them on the phone. That offer came at a time when I was headed out the door and was not going to be available to talk, so I had to decline.
As far as Kyle is concerned, I do not feel that it would be a good idea for him to spend time with me at this point. He and I have never gotten along and most times he dislikes me, if not hates me. He has no respect for his, or anyone else’s belongings, and I do not trust him to behave himself in this house. If he is in need of a father figure, he should contact hid Dad and start spending more time with him. I feel that would be far more healthy for him at this point than spending time with me.
In closing... I would like you to make a yes/no decision concerning my proposal for splitting Adam’s time evenly between you and I. As I said before, if this weekend is Keith’s weekend with Kyle, then I would like a decision before Monday, as I have already lost the chance to have him come over for the weekend. If Keith’s weekend is next weekend, I would like a decision by Friday morning.
Thank you
.-----------------------
Todd,
As I have stated in all the emails I will not make any decisions at this point in time without mediation. So once we are in therapy with someone else there; we can discuss it.
I understand you want to make the best decision for Adam but I personally do not feel moving him back and forth is in his best interest. So at this point in time I am again going to state that we will make a decision about it in therapy.
Amy
-----------------------
Amy,
This is not a decision that needs to be made in the presence of a therapist. It has absolutely NOTHING to do with US, and EVERYTHING to do with ADAM. Adam has already been kept away from me and his home for three (3) weeks. The longer that you keep him from me, the more damage is being done to his state of mind and his emotions.
Your words below indicate that you are keeping Adam away from me until we are in therapy. That indicates that he is being used as a bargaining chip. That is selfish and irresponsible.I have checked your calendar and found that next weekend is Kyle’s weekend with Keith. I expect a yes/no decision BEFORE Friday of this week.
Based on the way that Adam cuddled up with me at the game today, I’m pretty sure that was mostly because he missed me. I don’t think his leg really hurt too bad for him to go back out and play. I’m pretty sure he just wanted to use that chance to get time to sit on my lap and cuddle with me because he has been missing talking with me. That is one thing that he and I have always had. I have worked very hard to make sure he feels like he can talk to me and confide in me. I’m quite sure that he is having a hard time dealing with the fact that I am not around for him to talk to.
I could tell when we parted ways after the game, that part of him wanted to stay and talk more with me. I could tell, he has so many things that he wants to talk to me about and it breaks my heart to see him struggling with the fact that he has not been able to talk to me for a while.
I can’t imagine all of the emotions that he is trying to deal with right now. My heart aches just thinking about it.
No matter what happens between us, I want to make sure that we are not using the kids as “pawns” to gain an advantage in a dispute. That is why I have not made any request or attempt to get Adam back in the house. I also made sure not to bring up the subject with him today, other than telling him that I miss him very much. I do not want him to think that he has to make a choice between you and I. That would be a terrible choice for any child, let alone a 7 year old, let alone Adam who has one of the biggest hearts of most kids I know.
I would like to have some time to spend with Adam, so he knows that I am definitely still part of his life and that I am here for him, no matter what. Since this seems to be dragging out into a lengthy situation, I do not think it is good for his emotions to be kept away from me or the only home he has ever known, for this long. I want him to know that his home is still here, that he is loved, and that there is some certainty in his future.
Initially, I was just going to ask if he and I could go out to a movie and perhaps sit around and play games at the house. However, the more that I think about it, I’m wondering if it would be alright if we traded off every other week. He could stay here for the weekend and the following week, then stay with you for the next weekend and the following week. That would give him time with both of us, until we get things worked out.
I think if we started the cycle on a Friday night, that would give him something to look forward to at the end of the week. I also think that if he is with you on the weekends that you have Kyle, that will make sure that he has the most time to spend with his brother.
I’m not sure if Kyle is with you this weekend or with Keith. If he is with Keith this weekend, then I don’t really want to wait two more weeks to get time with Adam. I think it has been too long for him already and that he is having a very hard time trying to reconcile his emotions. So if Kyle is with Keith this weekend, please take some time to think this over and get back to me right away. Otherwise, if Kyle is with you this weekend, let’s try to come to a decision on this before Friday.
Thank you for taking the time to read this and I hope that you and I can work out an arrangement that will be the best thing for Adam.
Love,
Todd
-----------------------
Todd,
At this point in time you have not responded to my email. I need to hear from you regarding the email I sent. I need to know what your plans are for our marriage. Do you want to seek out therapy or not? At this point I can not discuss issues with you without having a therapist or Pastor present.
If you do then please let me know so that we can get into an appointment. I do not want to make any major decisions without a third party there.
I do not want to keep Adam or Kyle from you. I have offered for you to have time with them and you have turned me down each time. I also do not think it is fair to just take Adam and not Kyle; that is not sending a good message to Kyle.
Please let me know what your decision is regarding therapy so that we can get this started.
I am not using the children as pawns in this matter but our first priority should be working on us with a mediator/therapist. The kids do miss you Todd and so do I but our marriage and started to work it out needs to be the first priority right now.
Please let me know.
Love,
Amy
----------------------
Amy,
Last night, when I first read your emails, I was determined not to get into a debate with you, so I simply kept my reply short and to the point. However, I have taken some time to thoroughly think through how I should respond, so I am going to reply to you this morning. This letter is not intended to spark a debate of any kind. I am simply attempting to address the items you wrote about.
I do not feel that this is any type of “major” decision. This is about what is best for Adam. Surely, we can put our differences aside and come to a decision quickly, in Adam’s best interest, and not drag this out forever.I feel that putting the concerns about therapy and our marriage situation ahead of Adam’s emotional well-being is both selfish and irresponsible. Adam’s mental state is at the top of my priority list right now. The issues between you and I have been building up for over eight years and even with the best therapy available, will likely drag out for months, if not years. I do not feel it is fair to keep Adam away from his father and his home just because his parents are having issues communicating. He should not be used as a bargaining chip and based on the verbiage in your email, it is apparent to me that he is..
I have never received ANY offer, either in writing or verbally, for me to have time with either of the kids. The only offer I EVER received was to talk to them on the phone. That offer came at a time when I was headed out the door and was not going to be available to talk, so I had to decline.
As far as Kyle is concerned, I do not feel that it would be a good idea for him to spend time with me at this point. He and I have never gotten along and most times he dislikes me, if not hates me. He has no respect for his, or anyone else’s belongings, and I do not trust him to behave himself in this house. If he is in need of a father figure, he should contact hid Dad and start spending more time with him. I feel that would be far more healthy for him at this point than spending time with me.
In closing... I would like you to make a yes/no decision concerning my proposal for splitting Adam’s time evenly between you and I. As I said before, if this weekend is Keith’s weekend with Kyle, then I would like a decision before Monday, as I have already lost the chance to have him come over for the weekend. If Keith’s weekend is next weekend, I would like a decision by Friday morning.
Thank you
.-----------------------
Todd,
As I have stated in all the emails I will not make any decisions at this point in time without mediation. So once we are in therapy with someone else there; we can discuss it.
I understand you want to make the best decision for Adam but I personally do not feel moving him back and forth is in his best interest. So at this point in time I am again going to state that we will make a decision about it in therapy.
Amy
-----------------------
Amy,
This is not a decision that needs to be made in the presence of a therapist. It has absolutely NOTHING to do with US, and EVERYTHING to do with ADAM. Adam has already been kept away from me and his home for three (3) weeks. The longer that you keep him from me, the more damage is being done to his state of mind and his emotions.
Your words below indicate that you are keeping Adam away from me until we are in therapy. That indicates that he is being used as a bargaining chip. That is selfish and irresponsible.I have checked your calendar and found that next weekend is Kyle’s weekend with Keith. I expect a yes/no decision BEFORE Friday of this week.
Last Letter...
Todd,
I want you to know I have been praying about this issue. Over the last two years I always pray about something before making a decision. I always wait for God to answer and He always does at one point or another.
I want you to have time with the boys. I just am not sure having Adam go back and forth is the best decision. I think he needs consistency during his school week and if you are doing things one way and I do the another; that is going to confuse him and make this year hard on him.
I am still praying over the issues because I don't want you to think that I do not want you to see either of them. I want you in their lives but I am not sure what you suggested is the best solution either.Please know I am think about this and praying about this often.
Love,Amy
I want you to know I have been praying about this issue. Over the last two years I always pray about something before making a decision. I always wait for God to answer and He always does at one point or another.
I want you to have time with the boys. I just am not sure having Adam go back and forth is the best decision. I think he needs consistency during his school week and if you are doing things one way and I do the another; that is going to confuse him and make this year hard on him.
I am still praying over the issues because I don't want you to think that I do not want you to see either of them. I want you in their lives but I am not sure what you suggested is the best solution either.Please know I am think about this and praying about this often.
Love,Amy
Thursday, September 7, 2006
Choir Song...
Last night at choir a new song was introduced to us that they are going to sing this coming Sunday. It really touched a special spot in my heart....
Break Through
(Tommy Walker)
Verse:
Break through, break through all my doubts.
Break through, break through all my fears.
Break through
That I may worship You.
Break through, break through all my pain.
Break through, all my guilt and my shame.
Break through
Like only You can do.
Chorus:
You are brighter than my darkest night.
Stronger than my toughest fight.
Just one touch from You, my King, my Friend,
And I'll never be the same again.
Talk about an amazing song!
Break Through
(Tommy Walker)
Verse:
Break through, break through all my doubts.
Break through, break through all my fears.
Break through
That I may worship You.
Break through, break through all my pain.
Break through, all my guilt and my shame.
Break through
Like only You can do.
Chorus:
You are brighter than my darkest night.
Stronger than my toughest fight.
Just one touch from You, my King, my Friend,
And I'll never be the same again.
Talk about an amazing song!
Wednesday, September 6, 2006
Todays Lunch
Not even sure what to say or feel right now. Today's lunch did not go well at all. As a matter of fact I walked out before we ever ate lunch.
He thinks it is a game. He thinks I am playing a game. I am just astounded that he still thinks it is a game.
He said things like - you started it now you need to finish it; you didn't get your way so you threw a fit and left and now want me to meet all your demands; I will go to work on us but it us all up to you; I won't go to our pastor who I see every day because they don't need to be in my business. It does go on but I left.
I love my husband and I am pretty sure that today by walking out on that lunch I just ended my marriage. It isn't a game - it is very real. I am about to lose my marriage because after nine years I decided I needed boundaries in it.
No one in real life but Lisa's understands. The rest of my family does not get it I don't think. Lindsey was a bit shocked; or sounded shocked when I told her I left.
This is not something I just decided to do. I really had hoped he would want this marriage. I really had hoped he would see we need help. I really had hoped he would see this is not a game.
I have been very hurt and sad and angry and hardened and teary today. I cried the whole way home. I cried most of the afternoon. I wish the tears would stop - I really wish they would stop.
Now I guess I just wait; wait for the divorce papers to be served to me. Or maybe I wait and hope he will see it isn't a game. Or maybe I just don't know.I am still praying that he sees this isn't a game.
I am still praying he sees I want him and no one else. I am still praying that God answers my prayers.
I didn't even get to say what I wanted to say today. I could not get it out after the whole game thing. I am still in shock that he thinks it is a game.
Please pray for him. He told me today he is pissed off. Pissed at my timing when his company is about to go under and he needs to be devoting all his time to it and he can't focus on it. Sorry but I didn't pick this time - God did. I just prayed and followed....
Please, please, please, please pray
He thinks it is a game. He thinks I am playing a game. I am just astounded that he still thinks it is a game.
He said things like - you started it now you need to finish it; you didn't get your way so you threw a fit and left and now want me to meet all your demands; I will go to work on us but it us all up to you; I won't go to our pastor who I see every day because they don't need to be in my business. It does go on but I left.
I love my husband and I am pretty sure that today by walking out on that lunch I just ended my marriage. It isn't a game - it is very real. I am about to lose my marriage because after nine years I decided I needed boundaries in it.
No one in real life but Lisa's understands. The rest of my family does not get it I don't think. Lindsey was a bit shocked; or sounded shocked when I told her I left.
This is not something I just decided to do. I really had hoped he would want this marriage. I really had hoped he would see we need help. I really had hoped he would see this is not a game.
I have been very hurt and sad and angry and hardened and teary today. I cried the whole way home. I cried most of the afternoon. I wish the tears would stop - I really wish they would stop.
Now I guess I just wait; wait for the divorce papers to be served to me. Or maybe I wait and hope he will see it isn't a game. Or maybe I just don't know.I am still praying that he sees this isn't a game.
I am still praying he sees I want him and no one else. I am still praying that God answers my prayers.
I didn't even get to say what I wanted to say today. I could not get it out after the whole game thing. I am still in shock that he thinks it is a game.
Please pray for him. He told me today he is pissed off. Pissed at my timing when his company is about to go under and he needs to be devoting all his time to it and he can't focus on it. Sorry but I didn't pick this time - God did. I just prayed and followed....
Please, please, please, please pray
Tuesday, September 5, 2006
Broken Relationships
Today a lot of things have dawned on me. When I became a Christian a couple of years ago I know that the Lord forgave me for all the sins I had committed in the past.
Over the past few days though it has really become apparent that most if not all of my relationships in the flesh are broken. They are broken because of the things I have done in the past prior to being a Christian.
Now because the Lord has forgiven me does not mean the damage I caused will go away. I have to ask for forgiveness and I should be forgiven but it does not mean it will repair the damage that I had caused.
I can not work on fixing more than one broken relationship at a time though. I just can not do it. It is very draining to be trying to fix something I damaged and because of that maybe I am causing more damage with the already broken relationships.
Today my husband called me. We will be meeting tomorrow so he knows what I plan on doing. I was really caught off guard with that. What I am planning on doing?! I thought I had made it clear in the letter what I needed to have happen. I guess I was wrong.
As I was reflecting it all dawned on me... If he isn't willing to get help with a therapist and pay for it then we are just to broken. I am willing to accept now that we might be to broken. I have felt like I have tried and tried and tried. I have asked us to get help many times. I have asked for forgiveness many times. I have apologized for my many fault and I have improved from time to time.
I am not the person I was 2.5 years ago. I am not the person who goes days and days without doing laundry. I am not the person who goes days and days without doing dishes. I am not the person who gets mad and looks for revenge. I am not the person who feels lost and alone all the time.
I have changed. I don't just speak without thinking now. I pray about almost all my decisions. I have a church family I love. I am different in what I find to be acceptable and unacceptable. Things like movies; I do not enjoy seeing sex scenes, I do not like nudity, I do not enjoy constant swearing, and I do not like seeing seductive/lack of clothing. Plus more things. What I expect in marriage is different. I really expect my marriage to be focused on God and what He wants for us. We need to pray together and honor the Lord.
I guess what it comes down to is tomorrow. If he isn't willing to work on this marriage and make it a priority then he needs to tell me it is over. He needs to tell me I am not worth it. I will understand; it isn't going to change the hurt that it will cause but I understand that I caused these consequences a LONG time ago and now I have to live with them.
Please pray for us tomorrow. Pray that the Spirit will be with us and please pray that we hear Him and what He wants for us.
Over the past few days though it has really become apparent that most if not all of my relationships in the flesh are broken. They are broken because of the things I have done in the past prior to being a Christian.
Now because the Lord has forgiven me does not mean the damage I caused will go away. I have to ask for forgiveness and I should be forgiven but it does not mean it will repair the damage that I had caused.
I can not work on fixing more than one broken relationship at a time though. I just can not do it. It is very draining to be trying to fix something I damaged and because of that maybe I am causing more damage with the already broken relationships.
Today my husband called me. We will be meeting tomorrow so he knows what I plan on doing. I was really caught off guard with that. What I am planning on doing?! I thought I had made it clear in the letter what I needed to have happen. I guess I was wrong.
As I was reflecting it all dawned on me... If he isn't willing to get help with a therapist and pay for it then we are just to broken. I am willing to accept now that we might be to broken. I have felt like I have tried and tried and tried. I have asked us to get help many times. I have asked for forgiveness many times. I have apologized for my many fault and I have improved from time to time.
I am not the person I was 2.5 years ago. I am not the person who goes days and days without doing laundry. I am not the person who goes days and days without doing dishes. I am not the person who gets mad and looks for revenge. I am not the person who feels lost and alone all the time.
I have changed. I don't just speak without thinking now. I pray about almost all my decisions. I have a church family I love. I am different in what I find to be acceptable and unacceptable. Things like movies; I do not enjoy seeing sex scenes, I do not like nudity, I do not enjoy constant swearing, and I do not like seeing seductive/lack of clothing. Plus more things. What I expect in marriage is different. I really expect my marriage to be focused on God and what He wants for us. We need to pray together and honor the Lord.
I guess what it comes down to is tomorrow. If he isn't willing to work on this marriage and make it a priority then he needs to tell me it is over. He needs to tell me I am not worth it. I will understand; it isn't going to change the hurt that it will cause but I understand that I caused these consequences a LONG time ago and now I have to live with them.
Please pray for us tomorrow. Pray that the Spirit will be with us and please pray that we hear Him and what He wants for us.
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