Opening My Eyes To See....

I Am Blogging....

2008-05-22T10:31:00.002-04:00

Just trying a new location - wanna read still - contact me and I will give you the updated site....

ingodsgracenow at gmail dot com

Crazy...

2008-05-20T10:36:00.002-04:00

Life has been crazy - but I guess not any more crazy than normally.

Yesterday I got through 14 boxes from the basement. I know that sounds like a ton but these are all the boxes I got when Todd gave me some of my stuff.

Going to have a garage sale and in order to have one of those - I guess I need things to sell - so it is all the stuff from the basement. Well not all of it but.... My living room is a mess from it - I have a trash pile, a keep pile, a maybe pile and a sell pile.

I actually feel good about getting that much done yesterday. I am planning on getting 15 to 20 boxes done a day. Of course that number will vary greatly depending upon a daughter of mine!

My plan is to have a garage sale by the first weekend of June. We will see what happens with that!

There is so much more I want to write about but that will be another post...

BLOG....

2008-05-16T14:45:00.002-04:00

The reminder was just given by a friend after getting back in touch with him after a long and hard phone conversation....

Why is life so hard? Maybe it isn't as hard as I think it is but it feels like it - especially at times like this...

I had to do parenting time coordination today. Nothing was resolved. Not a thing!

I in many ways was proud of myself for not backing down or giving up a single day! On the other hand we now need to go through a custody evaluation.

My fear is Adam will no longer live with me. I can see it happening. I can see me losing Adam.

I have to ready the house. I have to ready my life. I have to ready my heart and mind for the just in case.

I know that I might be told it is silly to worry about that because it might not happen but what if it does happen. Then what? I would lose it is I lost him...

Here is the kicker - Adam's dad does not feel I am a fit parent. His parents don't see me as a fit parent. My parents did a while ago and you know I am pretty sure they still don't feel I am fit.

I did have some issues. I admit that. I have been working on those issues and things are better.

I am bipolar and I have been in the hospital because of it before. It doesn't mean I am a bad person or a bad mom. It just means I needed more help at one point.

I am worried about this. I don't know how not to worry about it. I don't even know if that is the right word but I guess I just have to prepare...

Babies...

2008-05-15T14:25:00.002-04:00

My oldest baby is 15. He is just like me; which is scary. At times I think he is worse than me. He has gone through so much, had a rough life and there is nothing anyone can do for him. He is a great kid who struggles with normal things. It does not matter how much anyone tries to help him - this is who he is - this is who he is choosing to be. Not only does he has these issues he is dealing with - he has the normal teen hormonal changes he is dealing with. At times I think he must feel like the world is out to get him; I know I did...

My middle baby is 9. He is like me in many ways but different at the same time. He has the caring and worrying about him like I do. I am sad though because I see him becoming more like his father every day. The narcissistic tendencies are coming out more and more and it is really sad. He has to have done whatever you have done or read about it. He must know more than you. It is like something compels him to be like this. I know where it comes from but how do you get that need, that urgency, that want to go away? It isn't healthy for him and it worries me to see him doing this. Who wants a known it all as a friend? You are never right, you can never be right, you can't carry on a conversation without an argument - it isn't any fun!

My youngest baby is 5 months old. Where did the time go for this little one? She is my light right now. At this point - I am what she needs. She needs me to survive still. I love the smile she gets when she sees me - even at 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6 AM. She is one of the lights in my day right now. I have some concerns with her but they are being addressed so what more could I ask for.

Then there is my fur baby. She is 4 months 3 weeks 5 days. She is a holy terror at times but overall she is the best dog! You can sit there with your face in her bowl while she is eating, take a bone out of her mouth while she is chewing it and she just licks you! I am very grateful (even though I want to pull my hair out when she is really acting like a puppy) we got her! Amazing temperament!

There are so many things I wish I had done differently with my babies but if I had - I wouldn't be the person I am today... Sometimes that can be a good thing and sometimes a bad thing...

Does it make me crazy to want more? LOL

Am I a Blogger or Not?!

2008-05-12T12:39:00.003-04:00

I love to write. I love to blog. I need to get things out to work things out. I am someone who must put it down in order to really sort through it.

So why did I stop blogging?

I seem to live in fear. Fear of saying things, fear of doing things, fear of what will happen if I speak my mind.

Where did all of this come from? How did I become this person living like this?

So for me - I want to get back to blogging. Life has it ups and downs and for me - to work through them - I need to write...

So keep your eyes open because Blogging Amy is back (I hope)...

Where is my Voice?

2008-04-28T08:36:00.003-04:00

How do you find your voice when you are scared of someone? Even after being gone for all this time (20 months).

He called this morning and instantly I started to shake and get sick to my stomach.

We are supposed to be having parenting time coordination this week and he will get what he wants because I am so afraid of the repercussions of speaking out.

I have given in on everything. Maybe I haven't really - maybe that is just my perception of the way it has been. I really don't know anymore.

When I look back though - I have given in. I am just hurting inside because of the stress all of this has caused in my life.

I have rosacea. I hate being in public because of how I look. It gets worse anytime I have to deal with him. Anytime I get stressed over this. I don't want to do anything because of how I look. I make plans and then look at myself and cancel them.

When I look back - maybe it wasn't so bad. Maybe what I felt was abuse really isn't abuse. This part of it is bad - and it is killing me slowly inside.

Relay for Life/Laps for Life

2008-04-22T09:16:00.001-04:00

Each year Rockford holds a Relay for Life. Every year so far Meadow Ridge has participated in it. They do their best to get all of their students involved with their teachers.

This year though the 3rd grade teachers are taking a slot that is during the night. So they are holding a "Laps for Life" for their class.

Tomorrow the kids will be walking around the soccer field for a hour. They are doing their laps for the Relay to earn money to help find a cure.

As some of you may know my Dad was recently diagnosed with prostate cancer. Because of this Adam really wants to help.

If anyone would like to pledge per lap please let me know. We have to turn the funds in by May 2nd.

Adam believes he will be able to do about 15 to 20 laps in the hour they are given!

Please let me know. Even if you decide to pledge after it is over but it is before the 1st of May - he would be happy he did his part.

Thanks everyone!
Amy and Adam

Long Time No Posting....

2008-04-18T12:26:00.002-04:00

I have not posted here in a long while now. So long that a lot has gone on but today I was brought here by yesterdays events....

They boys are now in therapy. Well Kyle has been for a while but Adam this is new for him. He seems to do well with it. We have had two sessions and his first one he was a bit apprehensive. Last night though he did well and opened up and talked to him.

Our lives before were kind of a living hell. Not for Adam - he had the perfect life. Mom loved him. Dad loved him. Brother hated him. Okay maybe not so perfect but his life was not like Kyle and mine was.

Adam is scared to be alone with his brother. I am going to rearrange my house this weekend. Isabella is going to somehow be in my room. Adam is going into Isabella's room and Kyle is staying put.

Kyle is a big bully who is great at mental/emotional abuse. He hates his brother - has found a weakness and just needles away at him.

I laid in bed last night just crying. Adam said some things to Tom that scared me. Scared me because it is what I have heard come from Todd's mouth before. Kind of took Todd back but hey not sure he will associate the two.

How do you fix a child whom is so broken from all he has gone through. All I have put him through. All I have let happen to him. I have not been a good mother to him. Now I want to be but at times I am afraid it is to late.

I see Kyle ending up in prison if he keeps on this path. He is abusive in many ways. He is carrying on the cycle that has been done to him.

He has so much wrong with him that no one here can help him. He goes to therapy but the therapist says he does not see much change. He doesn't really talk to him - he is at that age.

What do I as a parent do? I feel helpless. I feel hopeless. I feel like a failure.

Game Shows...

2008-01-24T09:17:00.000-05:00

Well last night was "The Moment of Truth" show. I missed the beginning of it but I think it was pretty much - you answers so many questions prior to the show on a lie detector. Then when they are on stage so many of the questions are picked and they have to re-answer them.

Now they have family, friends, co-workers that sit there in front of them. Each question gets more and more personal. They have no idea which question is going to be picked from the ones they answered earlier.

Okay - a few people said to me, "Why would you want to go on this show. Can you imagine what it does to the relationships of the people on it?"

Here is my questions/thoughts of the day....

How honest are you supposed to be in a relationship?

I am beginning to think that it isn't the rule of thumb. I am beginning to think that no one is honest with their mate.

What would the fear be of going on that show - if you have always been honest with the people in your life? Is honesty now a fault?

I know some don't tell the truth because they don't want to hurt someone or get into a fight or so on... I have heard it all - I have had the excuses myself.

Except recently I decided truth is what matters. I need to be honest 100% with those in my life because if I am not - I might as well just stamp failure on it right now.

Of course some of the things I do - they have consequences; as does everyone.

So is being 100% honest - needed? What do you think?

Differences....

2008-01-17T00:35:00.000-05:00

It is probably the lack of sleep I have been getting that makes me over think. Yet at those times things seem to make sense...

Relationships are a tricky thing. Just loving someone does not make it work.

You are allowed to be different, you are allowed to have differences; it is what makes the world go round.

Yet at the same time if your core values, your beliefs are not the same; how can you possible make it work without someone hurting all the time?

My marriage failed. It failed because I changed and he did not. He said he changed but I never saw it. I can't say what was in his heart but when someone changes most see it. You would think the one who loved you would see it.

I am struggling with this now. The person I am in love with - is truly the best thing that has ever walked into my life. He treats me with respect. He helps me on all levels. He really does love me. I just see it.

Yet the one thing I said I would never go without in another relationship - is not there and I don't ever see it being there.

God

I guess I don't even know right now what the thoughts are fully. I know that how I see some things; he does not.

Here is the thing - I am a sinner. I sin daily. At the same time though there are things that have been instilled in me due to my faith and beliefs and so because of that I end up hurt.

Everyone tells me how lucky I am, how great he is, and it goes on. I do believe that because no one has ever treated me like this before.

So what am I even talking about this for; because what happens when I get hurt down the road because I ignore the one thing I said I would never go without in a relationship?

Maybe I am looking to hard into something that will never happen?

I am a sensitive person and I get hurt by things that people do an say (as does everyone). These things though should be hurtful according to the Lord because they should not happen.

At times I think I blow things out of proportion and then when I am praying/meditating I find I am not. Yet for a person who does not have faith or for a person who does not see their faith like I do - I am blowing things up.

I heard that often while married. You would think I would have learned to run when faith does not match and yet I didn't. I allowed myself to fall in love yet again with someone whose faith does not match mine.

So now what?

I have told him before how I feel but I am sure he just does not understand. It is hard to understand something when you don't believe the same thing.

It is hard to change or want to change when you don't believe there needs to be a change.

So who ends up hurt? Right now I guess that would be me...

A New Update....

2007-12-31T18:43:00.000-05:00

It seems as if it has been forever and the new year is just about here. So I am going to load some pictures and let you all see how the family is doing.... Will give a verbal update a bit later!

Love to you all..... Now check out the posts below!

For A* - in appreciation for the blanket!

2007-12-31T18:08:00.000-05:00

Just Cute Pictures

2007-12-31T17:58:00.000-05:00

Christmas...

2007-12-31T17:45:00.000-05:00

Isabella Christine is Here!!!!

2007-12-12T10:48:00.000-05:00

Will post the longer story later.

She arrived at 2:37 AM on December 12, 2007.

She weight 7 pounds 10.4 ounces and was 19 inches long.

We are both doing well. She is doing pretty good with breast feeding.

Dad went home to sleep for a few hours (wish I could go home and sleep -lol).

Will probably be in here for at least 5 days but unsure yet because my specialists have not been in to see me yet...

Pictures are below!

Jack , Amy, Isabella and Grandma Puppy (Amy's mom)

Isabella being weighed

Daddy and Isabella

Musical Monday...

2007-12-10T17:12:00.000-05:00

So a friend of mine started this today. He has talked to me about it a while ago but there was no set time he was going to start. I have decided to "join" him in Musical Monday's. I enjoy music dearly and both of our blogs will probably go in very different directions; but the concept came from him!

My life has been a whirlwind for the last 15 months; going on 16 months actually. Jack came into my life in January of this year and well - the trust is a hard thing for me.

I have been waiting for the fall to come. I have been waiting for the dishonesty. I have been waiting for the screw ups.

Although all along he has been patient and waiting and telling me it is okay. Then I was driving one day on a particularly bad day and this song came on the radio:

FALL

written by: clay mills/sonny lemaire/shane minor

sung by: Clay Walker

Hold up there you go again

Puttin' on that smile again

Even though I know you've had a bad day

Doin' this and doin' that

Always puttin' yourself last

A whole lotta give and not enough take

But you can only be strong so long before you break

So fall go on and fall apart

Fall into these arms of mine

I'll catch you every time you fall

Go on and lose it all

Every doubt, every fear, every worry, every tear

I'm right here

Baby fall

Forget about the world tonight

All that's wrong and all that's right

Lay your head on my shoulder, let it fade away

And if you wanna let go baby it's okay

Fall go on and fall apart

Fall into these arms of mine

I'll catch you every time you fall

Go on and lose it all

Every doubt, every fear, every worry, every tear

I'm right here

Baby fall

Hold on hold on hold on to me...

Fall go on and fall apart

Fall into these arms of mine

I'll catch you every time you fall

Go on and lose it all

Every doubt, every fear, every worry, every tear

I'm right here

Baby fall

Now as I was in my car driving and this song, these words came about - I started to think about Jack. He might not be using these exact words but this is what he has been saying to me.

It was like this light bulb went off in my head... He is a safe person. I can't build trust if I don't give them a chance. I have been so hurt by my past that I was not giving him a chance.

This song helped me open up. This song helped me give Jack a chance. This song helped me see it is okay to trust...

Quick Pregnancy Update....

2007-12-10T10:12:00.000-05:00

This morning was a bust.

We had the ultrasound done. She is about 7 pounds 2 ounces (YEAH!)....

My favorite doctor in the whole wide office came in (thanking the Lord for that small favor) and asked when I had my last shot. I told him this morning at 8 AM. He got a bit concerned because I could bleed and it could be bad and then end up with an emergency section. Not what either of us wanted so this is the NEW plan...

We are moving onto Plan B...

Plan A was all the stuff this morning and then the induction tomorrow - Plan B is into Labor and Delivery tomorrow morning around 8 AM. Have my PTT levels drawn STAT. If it comes back and I am not fully anti-coagulated they are then going to do the amnio. Dr. Shake is going to put a STAT order on that as well. We will hang out for a couple of hours and then if all is good - they are just going to start the induction then.

If her lungs are not developed - we are moving onto Plan C....

Plan C is to be made up as we go along!

I love this doctor! He (and the doctor he ended up replacing) are the only ones who show any respect for the other doctors in this office. He said to me, "Well we are two specialists who just don't see eye to eye on how to do an amnio and there is nothing wrong with that but I do not feel safe with what she ordered because I am doing the procedure."

Now had it been anyone else and it would have been cutting down the decision, saying that isn't how we do things, etc. I have heard it all before from them. They just don't agree with each other and when that happens; 3 out of the 4 cut down the others decisions...

Up Since 3 AM

2007-12-10T04:52:00.000-05:00

Had to go to the bathroom at 3 AM and have been up since then.

Today at 8 AM is the official appointment to determine if I go in for induction this week or not. Please pray I am. I have everything arraigned for the boys and don't really want to have to redo it all!

Having the amnio, growth ultrasound, NST and regular OB/internal exam this morning. Not sure how long it will take.

Although as soon as I hear anything about the game plan - I will get on here and update so those of you who want to know what is going on - will know...

Belly Update

2007-12-07T12:16:00.001-05:00

37 Weeks

38 Weeks

Not sure if you can see it or not - but this is the bruising from my shots. All pregnancy I have been pretty bruise free - I would have a few here and there and lots of tenderness but in week 36 I switched the medication I was injecting. Now I have a ton of bruising and it hurts!

Children, Santa, Mom?

2007-12-06T15:13:00.000-05:00

Just a funny clip that was sent to me! Enjoy it really...

Go to: http://www.cardclips.com/

Click on: Mom is Santa

Rough Day...

2007-12-05T13:14:00.000-05:00

I might go into details later but all I can say right now is today has been a rough day.

Why do I Worry?

2007-12-04T13:25:00.001-05:00

As the days go by I am beginning to wonder what I was so afraid of.

I spoke to a guy today who I have known since 2001. He is a good guy; he was Todd's companies insurance agent. Having some insurance issues and well - I am doing what I can to get the information I need and now Kevin is helping me.

I guess Todd tried to blame Kevin for the insurance being all screwed up. Kevin told me he told Todd what he needed from him long before the policy was ever up for renewal. Todd never got it to him. Then when he did get it to him finally he expected it to be fixed within a day's time and there was no way Kevin could promise it would be fixed at all. Todd blamed Kevin and Kevin shot back saying how Todd wasn't going to blame him for not getting the paperwork in.

Todd's excuse, "Never got your emails." - "Never got your phone calls." All the same stuff I hear from him! Amazing how Todd's email is always the ONLY email singled out so he doesn't get stuff. The cyber world must be out to get him!

I guess talking to Kevin was needed today. It did not resolve my current issue but it did show me that Todd does not know how to take responsibility for anything in his life. It doesn't make it any better but - at least he is consistent with blaming others!

Amazing News...

2007-12-03T14:43:00.001-05:00

Well things have been horrible financially. No help from the boys dad's with child support. No job for me due to health reasons and my boys. No help from the state because my disability is to much money each month.

I have been in a huge struggle and in tears most days because I am unable to actually provide for my boys what they need. I know they have a roof over their heads. I know they have a TV to watch, games to play, food in their bellies. Yet at the same time - we have no money for anything extra; no sports, no movies, no fun activities. I can barely afford to get them to and from appointments at this point in time.

Anyway - it appears that the appeal has gone through. It is at the Baltimore payment disbursement center. It isn't going to be as much as was expected but it will at last be something.

I will be able to get their winter stuff. I will be able to get them to appointments and pay for them. I will be able to get them into the sports they want to play.

I am feeling 1000 times better right now.

Of course that was toppled by bad news of insurance issues. I just give up. I normally pray for Todd but these past couple of weeks - I am struggling with it because of his lack of cooperation in giving/getting me information about the boys.

Belly Update

2007-11-30T15:15:00.000-05:00

36 Weeks

37 Weeks

It is Snowing...

2007-11-29T11:40:00.000-05:00

I look out my window right now and it is snowing. We have had a brief covering of snow once already this year but I am pretty sure this time - it is going to cover the green grass that was left outside my window.

I sent my youngest to school today in tennis shoes and with no snow-pants. What a great mom I am. Although in my defense - when he left - it was not snowing and it was supposed to rain today because it was supposed to be in the 40's. So even though I should have just known - considering the state I live in - I didn't take anything into consideration... So he is probably freezing and wet! At least he wore gloves and a hat!

Now why is it that when I do something nice for someone - it seems to come back and bite me? Not that this is really all that big of a deal but to me it is. When my friend had her baby I let her use the bassinette that was given to me. Along with that I let her have the two pink sheets and a white sheet that were given to me. Not a big deal to keep track of I would think. Yet I just got the bassinette back and it has one pink sheet and one white sheet. What happened to the other sheet? I asked and she said she swears she gave it to me. Which means she isn't really going to look for it. I know it is only a sheet but when you have zero extra dollars each month to spend on things - that extra sheet does mean something...

Also I am struggling with some jealous issues. I am not sure how to work through these but I have to figure out a way. I will get into them maybe tomorrow...

I am also struggling with the whole Christmas break thing and just dealing with Todd. It would be one of the reasons I switched the URL on my blog at this point in time.

I am tired and not ready for Isabella to be here. Yet she is going to be here in less than two weeks now... I am having daily headaches and daily exhaustion.

So please just give me grace right now!

Where Does the Time Go?

2007-11-28T17:49:00.000-05:00

It has been a time in my life when I just kind of sit back and do nothing. I have been worrying about things and stressing over things and other stuff.

I have been struggling with a lot of items but I have to believe it will get better.

Life is never perfect and I know this. I am doing my best to take things a day at a time...

What else can I do?!

This is short - this really says not much of anything - yet I wanted to give a short update...

Mediation Wording...

2007-11-24T14:59:00.000-05:00

Before everyone makes comments about the whole email insanity that has been going on here is the exact wording in the mediation/visitation agreement regarding Christmas/Christmas Vacation.

Christmas: Amy and Todd will accommodate each others extended family holiday celebration schedule. Additionally, Christmas Day will be considered Christmas Eve, December 24, overnight until Christmas Day, December 25, as one holiday, and the parties will alternate that holiday. Todd will have 2007 and odd years thereafter, and Amy will have 2008 and even years thereafter.

Christmas Vacation: The parties will evenly divide the Christmas vacation. The parties have agreed to not have
specific times for the holiday schedule but to work those schedules out.

So there are somethings left out - like my conversation with my lawyer (for the emails) but overall - you get the idea...

Email Insanity (Part 1)....

2007-11-24T14:18:00.000-05:00

Email 1:

Todd,

I tried to reach you via phone this morning but did not have any luck.

There are a few things I needed to talk to you about so I am just going to send them in this email. I do not have a computer at this time. It died on me again yesterday morning and right now I am at the library sending this out.

December 4th is Adam Christmas Concert. I do not have a time yet for it though. I am going to guess it is somewhere around 7 PM but am not completely sure. As soon as it comes home I will let you know the time.

December 9th is my dad's Christmas party and I want to know if it is okay if I pick Adam up around 11 that day and take him to the movie with the rest of the family. Also I would bring him back as soon as the movie is over. Please let me know ASAP because my dad has to put in the request for the tickets in the next day or so.

December 22nd and 23rd are the family Christmas parties (Wetzel and my immediate family). So instead of you picking up Adam from school on the 21st you will pick him up the morning of the 24th.

We still need to work out the details for the Christmas break as well and I would like to get that done as soon as possible.

Also this date is not set in stone but I will know better next week on the 26th. The doctors have been talking about inducing me on the 11th of December. I want to make sure that it is okay for Adam to stay with you while I am in the hospital having her. Obviously I could go into the hospital prior if there are more complications but I want to get that set up with you as soon as I can. If it isn't going to be okay then I will just have him go where Kyle is going; which is fine but I thought you might like some extra time with him.

Unless you are able to get back to me in the next 40 minutes - I will not get the response to your email until tomorrow (the 20th).

Thank you,
Amy

Email 2:

Amy,

Sorry you couldn’t get a hold of me on the phone. It’s probably better to put this in writing so we can discuss each one separately anyway. I will reply to your email inline below... (edited by Amy to add - *** indicate his response)

Todd,

I tried to reach you via phone this morning but did not have any luck.

There are a few things I needed to talk to you about so I am just going to send them in this email. I do not have a computer at this time. It died on me again yesterday morning and right now I am at the library sending this out.

December 4th is Adam Christmas Concert. I do not have a time yet for it though. I am going to guess it is somewhere around 7 PM but am not completely sure. As soon as it comes home I will let you know the time.

*** Thank you for that information.

December 9th is my dad's Christmas party and I want to know if it is okay if I pick Adam up around 11 that day and take him to the movie with the rest of the family. Also I would bring him back as soon as the movie is over. Please let me know ASAP because my dad has to put in the request for the tickets in the next day or so.

*** December 7th, 8th, and 9th is the first full weekend of December. So as far as I know, you would have had him that weekend anyway. So I don’t suppose there will be an issue.

December 22nd and 23rd are the family Christmas parties (Wetzel and my immediate family). So instead of you picking up Adam from school on the 21st you will pick him up the morning of the 24th.

*** The Powers Family Christmas was scheduled for December 22nd, because that was a weekend that I was going to have Adam. My mother had expected us to come up on the 22nd, and then stay over for the 23rd to have our individual family Christmas that day. I don’t want Adam to miss Christmas with either of our families. As a compromise, I can probably convince her to have our family Christmas on the 21st instead, so I can have Adam back to you by the evening of the 22nd, so he can participate in your immediate family Christmas. I just need to know that you will let me have him on the afternoon of the 20th, so we can go up to my parents that evening.

We still need to work out the details for the Christmas break as well and I would like to get that done as soon as possible.

*** Well, Christmas is my holiday this year. The schedule that was defined, indicated that I would have him from Friday, the 21st through the morning of December 31st, with the exception that he would come over to your house on the 25th for your immediate family Christmas. He would be with you for New Years, and the remainder of his Christmas break. However, since you are going to need Adam on the weekend of the 23rd, we may need to trade a day. Let me know what day you want to trade.

Also this date is not set in stone but I will know better next week on the 26th. The doctors have been talking about inducing me on the 11th of December. I want to make sure that it is okay for Adam to stay with you while I am in the hospital having her. Obviously I could go into the hospital prior if there are more complications but I want to get that set up with you as soon as I can. If it isn't going to be okay then I will just have him go where Kyle is going; which is fine but I thought you might like some extra time with him.

*** As far as I know, that will be okay. You have him the weekend of the 7th, 8th, and 9th, which means I would have him on the 10th anyway. I can just keep him for the week if that would be more convenient for you.

Unless you are able to get back to me in the next 40 minutes - I will not get the response to your email until tomorrow (the 20th).

Thank you,
Amy

Email 3:

Todd,

I am not going to reply section by section but I am going to address some of the issues...

While we were in mediation we agreed to split Christmas break evenly. You also agreed to work with me regarding my family holiday times; with it being said that the Wetzels are now celebrating Christmas the Saturday PRIOR to Christmas. I recall you saying something about what if Christmas Eve falls on Saturday and Christmas falls on Sunday and being told that if it was your holiday that year - you would triumph working with the family Christmas on my side. So you were aware of when the Christmas would be on August 22nd this year.

Then again on October 6th I sent you an email regarding the Christmas holiday's with a proposed schedule and the dates that I would be needing Adam for the Christmas season. You replied on October 9th with you not having time to discuss it due to you seeking out homes and so on. Then you also let me know that you sent a proposed visitation schedule. So you go from telling me you have no time to discuss what I sent you to I need to find time to discuss what you sent me.

Then I sent you another email on November 19th. I get your response on the November 20th with things that are just not acceptable. You were more than aware of the time frames I would be needing Adam. You have Adam Christmas Eve and Day this year. I can not help if your mom was planning on you being there - you should have told her back in August and then again in October that you would not have Adam the weekend prior to Christmas.

There has not been a defined schedule for when you will have Adam. I have been trying to get your to define with me a schedule since October 6th and you refused to do so. So I am not sure where you get that the "defined" schedule is for you to have Adam from the 21st until the 31st. I sent nothing to you that was even close to that. Even if that is what you sent to your lawyer - I have never agreed with you for that to be the schedule.

I have been more than willing to work with you on this schedule but you have not been all to willing to work with me as you eluded to in your email from October.

At this point in time we are going to go with a schedule similar to the first one I sent you. I have enclosed it below so you can work out your family holidays with it in front of you.

Amy:

December - 22, 23, 29, 30, 31
January 1, 2, 3, 4
with pick up in the early AM on the 24th and 29th and Noon on the 5th

Todd:

December - 24, 25, 26, 27, 28
January 5, 6, 7
with pick up in early AM on 24th and 29th and Noon on 5th

I still do not have the time for Adam's Christmas Concert.

I do need to know if you would be able to get Adam to school the morning of December 10th. I would drop him off at about 7:20 in the morning. I have an appointment that I need to be to by 8 that morning. Then if all goes well with that appointment they will be inducing me on the 11th and Adam would need to stay with you for the time I am in the hospital. I won't know for sure though about the 11th until later in the day on the 10th but I will be sure to tell you as soon as I can.

If you have any questions please let me know.
Amy

Email 4:

Amy,

The defined schedule was sent to your lawyer over two months ago. Your lawyer requested that of me and I complied with his request. I wanted to work on a schedule with you, but was told that was not an option and I just needed to provide a schedule, laying out all of the days of the year. Check with your lawyer regarding that. He has the schedule, whether or not he has shared it with you.

The schedule that you provided is not a “split” schedule for Christmas break, as we had agreed to in mediation. We are supposed to split the holiday evenly. The schedule you provided only gives me two days. That is not what we agreed to.

The weekend of the 22nd is my weekend. I was offering to split that up for you so that Adam could participate in both Christmases. You can’t possibly demand that I give up my weekend. If you are going to do that, then I guess I won’t offer to split the weekend with you at all.On the other hand, if you want to work with me, we can come up with a schedule that will work for both of us. You’ll have to talk with your family and see if you can move the immediate family Christmas around so that Adam can be there. Since it is only you and your brothers and sisters, that is obviously more flexible than expecting me to get the entire Powers family to move their date.

If you want to work with me on this, I will be happy to. But I’m not going to sit here and take orders from you.

Adam’s Christmas holiday is to be split 50/50 between you and I.

The weekend of the 22nd and 23rd is my weekend. If you want Adam on the 23rd, that is fine, but I will need to pick him up after school on Thursday the 20th in return, so that we can get up to my parents and celebrate Christmas with them on the 21st.

I’m offering to compromise. I’m sorry if it doesn’t match your plans exactly, but it doesn’t match my family’s plans exactly either. We’re BOTH going to have to budge a little bit here.

-Todd

Email 5:

Todd,

Just because my lawyer asked for what you would like defined as a visitation schedule does not mean that it was agreed to. So that does not make what you put on paper set in stone. As for knowing about this - you told me a while ago you sent it and I asked you to send it to me and you have yet to do it. So no I have no clue what was on it.

I am not sure how you figure you only get two of his days with the schedule that I sent to you. Here are the days I put down for you.... December 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, January 5, 6, 7 - that would be more than 2 days.

As for when is your weekends - we have nothing set in stone. We have nothing that has been signed off as a temp order or permanent order for visitation at this point in time.

You have been aware for a long time now about when the holiday for my family was. You have him for both Christmas day and eve; which you have known about since August 22nd. So why your parents would switch the day that they normally do the Powers' Christmas is beyond me (Christmas Eve for the full 10 years we were together) when she knew you would have Adam on those days.

Adam is not missing school. He would miss his holiday parties and other things if you took him on the 20th. It is not an option. He is not missing school for a day when he has a 16 day break!
As for me not working with you - I have been trying to work with you on this issue since October 6th and you have refused.

-Amy

Email 6:

Amy,

I attempted to work with you to come up with a schedule and you told me that there should be “no further communication directly with you”, and that “everything would have to e handled through your lawyer”. So I talked to my lawyer and asked her to get things facilitated. Your lawyer required that I simply define the schedule. That’s what I did. That’s what was agreed to. Whether or not your lawyer shared this information with you or not, is none of my concern. It sounds like you have a communication problem with your lawyer.

Why and whether the Powers family decided to change their typical Christmas celebration day, is really none of your concern. But if you must know, it is because most of my cousins have kids of their own and it is much too difficult for everyone to get all of the kids packed up and back home by Christmas eve. So the family decided to change it this year. If you have a problem with that, you can take it up with the Powers family in general, not me. It is not me that decided on the date.

The schedule that you outlined is not even accurate. I still get Adam on the weekends, like I normally would. The remainder of the week days during Christmas break are supposed to be split between you and I. The schedule that you have outlined includes you having him for both weekends. I’m sorry, but I’m not going to give up my weekends. If you want him the weekend of the 29th and 30th, in place of the first weekend in January, I will be happy to swap those for you, but that would mean that I would have Adam on the 31st. (The Monday after your weekend) Since you are supposed to have him for New Years, that really doesn’t make sense to switch.

Regardless. I have Adam the weekend of the 22nd and 23rd. If you would like to have him on the 23rd, I will need to find another time to have our immediate family Christmas with my Mother, Father, Tim, Ann, Adam, and I. I am willing to find another time for that so that you can have him on the 23rd. However, I doubt that there is any other good option, other than the 21st. (Friday) Neither my brother and Ann, or Adam and I would want to make the trip all the way up there to Hart just for one day. It should coincide with the Powers family Christmas on the 22nd.

I’m trying to be flexible here and work with you. You said you wanted him on Sunday. I don’t have a problem with that, but our Christmas is on Saturday. So I can not trade both days away.

I’m sorry if that is not exactly what you were hoping for, but it is the best that I can offer. Please understand that I am trying to work with you here.

Email Insanity (Part 2)....

2007-11-24T13:51:00.000-05:00

Email 7:

Todd,

If you are going to quote me - it would do you well to quote what was actually written. The email was from October 10th and the whole email was in regards to the sale of the house. I ended it with this paragraph, "As far as dealing with this divorce ourselves. I am done. From this point on - unless it has to do with Adam directly - point all issues to your lawyer and your lawyer will get in touch with mine; whom will then contact me." If you notice it is very specific that unless it has to do with Adam directly; which the visitation would be; to use the lawyers.

Do not tell me you attempted to work out a visitation schedule with me because it was in those emails you told me that this was the least of your concern and you would only deal with one issue at a time and that issue at that point in time was the sale of the house.

Please contact me after you have had your meeting with your lawyer in December and then we will discuss the visitation at that point.

Amy

Email 8:

Amy,

I don’t take the time to remember every word that you said to me. You’re not worth my time. The only think I remembered is that you hung up on me, saying that everything needed to go through your lawyer. So that’s what I did. Apparently that was the best decision anyway, because you are obviously NOT willing to compromise on any visitation arrangements.

I’m not sure what you are referring to in regards to a meeting with my lawyer in December. I do not have anything scheduled with her at that time.

I’m going to assume by your short email, that you are no longer interested in coming to a compromise concerning Adam’s Christmas break. I was more than willing to discuss you having Adam on the 23rd, as I do not want him to miss out on your family’s Christmas. That is obviously still an option if you want to discuss it.

-Todd

Email 9:

Todd,

I never told you to go through the lawyers and then hung up on you. I have done 99% of the communication with you via email since August.

You need to understand that having Adam on weekends do not mean more than my weeks. Christmas vacation is to be split evenly - and that does mean you will be giving up what has been going on; the weekends during the break he has. Do not tell me I am the one who is unwilling to compromise. You are saying to me that your time is still yours and you are not giving them up but the time I would normally have Adam I have to share. You are being very irrational over what equally split means. If you are unwilling to give up your time then I will consider just keeping the regular schedule. You would have him from 4 PM on the 21st until 8 AM on the 24th and then 4 PM on the 28th until 8 AM on the 31st. Then once school resumes you would pick him up for your overnight at 4 PM on the 7th until 8 AM on the 8th.

Todd you have been aware of when my families Christmas was going to be since our mediation in August. If you decided not to share that with your family - to be perfectly honest - it isn't my fault or problem.

Just because my lawyer asked you to submit what you wanted for visitation does not mean that is what was agreed upon. Nothing has been set in stone. As a matter of fact at this point in time there is no temporary or permanent order in place for visitation with Adam between us. We went through mediation and I have been following that but since you still don't agree to what was decided upon while we were there I am wondering why I am following that at all.

Well your lawyer let mine know she needed to meet with your mom in December to go over what went on in court in order to decide the next steps that needed to be taken (or something along those lines). I kind of got the idea that you would be involved with that process since it is you and I going through the divorce and not your mom and I.

After I have had time to sort through what is going on with all of this - I will get back to you. It probably won't be until next week though because of the holiday and not getting a response from Ken until he is back in the office.

-Amy

Todd,

On another note - I still do not know if you are willing to have me drop Adam off early on the morning of the 10th or not - you have not answered that for me. Also the week of the 11th if I am to be induced I need to know for sure if you are willing to have him there. I have to have this set so I know where each of the boys are going and when. I have started to work on other arraignments because your response was more like you are doing me a favor than you really wanting him there. So please let me know.

-Amy

Email 10:

Amy,

In mediation, you agreed to split the holiday vacation IN ADDITION TO our normal visitation schedule. It sounds to me as if you were not totally aware of exactly what we were talking about in mediation. Perhaps you should have conferred with your lawyer if you were confused. If you are now not willing to split the Christmas vacation with me, as you agreed to in mediation, then I will go ahead and take Adam on my normal weekends, in addition to Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, which are mine this year. I will pick him up on the 21st, and drop him back off on the morning of the 26th.

Since New Years is yours, and that is Monday night/Tuesday morning, then you will have Adam then anyway. Perhaps you and he can celebrate together the 1-year anniversary of the day you gave up on our marriage.

You will also have him on the first weekend of January (4,5,6), so I will pick him up on the 7th for my normal Monday.

Since you are unwilling to split the Christmas vacation time with me, then I expect to make that time up at some other time during the year. I will let you know in advance when there are approximately 5 days that I would like to have Adam.

Contrary to your belief, I have NOT been aware of your family Christmas schedule until the email that you just sent me this week. You MENTIONED in mediation that your family was going to do something prior to the actual Christmas holiday, but you also said that you weren’t sure of what was going on and that you would let me know. At the time, you indicated that it would probably be a SUNDAY, but you did not say whether it was going to be 1 week prior, 2 weeks prior, or anything certain at all. I’m not going to plan my schedule based on guesses and maybes. As far as I was concerned, I was waiting for you to figure out exactly what was going on.

I’m sorry that you waited so long, but that’s not really my problem. I tried to be nice and work with you to come up with a schedule that worked for both of us, but you are unwilling to do anything other than EXACTLY WHAT YOU WANT. I was willing to compromise and work with you. You were only willing to DEMAND your schedule and would not budge.

For the record, I am still willing to come up with a compromise with you if you are still interested in having Adam with you and your family on Christmas. I do not want him to miss out on that.

As far as my lawyer meeting with my mother, I’m not sure where that information would have even come from. There is no meeting with my mother as far as I am aware. I’m not sure why there even would be.

I’m pretty sure I already answered your question about the 10th, 11th, etc... My answer was as follows:

*** As far as I know, that will be okay. You have him the weekend of the 7th, 8th, and 9th, which means I would have him on the 10 th anyway. I can just keep him for the week if that would be more convenient for you.

Of course I want him here. Why would you ever consider that I wouldn’t want him here? You know better than that. I am always happy to have Adam with me, regardless of the time or place. Ever since you left, I have done nothing but rearrange my schedule whenever I have had the chance to have Adam with me. I have put everything else in my life on hold in order to spend time with him. For you to even suggest that I wouldn’t want him here is just ignorant.

Email 11:

Todd,

Again I will get back to you about what the Christmas break schedule will be next week. I will be speaking with my lawyer about this issue when he returns to the office.

Just to confirm I will be dropping Adam off around 7:20 in the morning on December 10th and as soon as I hear from the doctors I will let you know about the rest of the week.

Plus Todd you have been aware of when my family holidays were to be - here are the emails to refresh your memory.

-Amy

(Email 3)

Todd,

Let me get this straight - before it was we could talk about nothing other than visitation and now it is we can talk about nothing other than the sale of the home?

I really wish you could decide upon what direction you would like to go in and then realize this isn't just about you and what you feel like talking about or doing.

I have let you know numerous time; I have given my numbers to Judy. I do not agree with the number you have given me and I am not going to say that I do. There were numerous things you left out. There is no way to determine what the final price is going to be. If you are not willing to go below a certain amount please get that to Judy with your top and low number. I have told her that I am willing to sell the house for what the market is dictating. It is a buyers market - not a sellers market right now. I personally am aware of that and would just like to get this house sold.

I asked you nicely to let me know about this holiday and you are unwilling to do that; in which was agreed upon in mediation. I have for over the 14 months let you see and take Adam all the time. I asked for financial help from you back in December - 4 months after we had been gone; with you offering nothing in that time for financial help. You told me you would try but would not agree to it. I have at this point only received 3 child support payments from you. I have given you more and more when it comes to the time you have with Adam and you have given nothing. Just so you understand and our lawyers; I am not willing to change the schedule giving you anymore time for visitation.

We have gone through mediation. During mediation we agreed upon a preliminary visitation. Since that time I have been abiding by that schedule. You were also supposed to get the information about your life insurance policy and retirement funds; neither have been done or handed over to my lawyer. We also agreed to sell the house; that is not happening either. You were supposed to get back to me regarding the list of things in the house; that has not happened either. You were also supposed to start paying child support; that has not happened either. So far Todd it is not me who has been difficult - it seems to be that you are the one who is stone walling the divorce process.

I have sat back and allowed you to dictate what we talk about and when. I am letting you know that isn't going to happen anymore.

We need to discuss this Christmas break schedule at this point in time. I have submitted a proposed time frame and asked for your input. Please get back to me like I requested. You are saying you have no time to discuss this schedule but you put plenty of time and thought into your reply to my email; in which had nothing to do with the Christmas schedule.

Amy

(Email 2)

On 10/9/07, Todd wrote:
Amy,

I am in the middle of trying to find a new house, so I can move out of this one and we can put this house on the market. I have been spending countless hours viewing houses and working with realtors. I really don't have the time to start talking about Christmas break.

I am expecting YOU and ME to come to an agreement on the terms of the sale of the house. I have asked you numerous times to discuss this with me, and you have denied me that. When you want to sit down like an adult and work out the details of the house, I am ready.

Until that time, I really don't have the time or energy to be discussing other things. One thing at a time please. Once the terms of the sale of the house are agreed upon, we can start talking about the visitation schedule. I have already submitted a proposed visitation schedule through the lawyers. You should have received a copy of it.

(Email 1)

On Behalf Of Amy PowersSent: Saturday, October 06, 2007 8:00 AMTo: Todd
Subject: Christmas Holiday...

Todd,

I know it is only October but I want to get the Christmas holiday scheduled with you now so that we know what is going on and I can get it on my calendar...

As was stated in mediation the Wetzel family is trying to do Christmas the Saturday prior to actual Christmas. So this year that would be on the 22nd...

Here is my proposal for the holiday:

I have Adam on:

December 22nd and 23rd instead of you picking him up from school on the 21st. That way will have him around for the Wetzel family and then the boys and I can celebrate the morning of the 23rd and my immediate family can do their Christmas with him on the evening of the 23rd.

You would pick him up the morning of the 24th and have him until Sunday morning the 30th.

I would get him from the 30th until about Noon of the 5th.

You would then have him around Noon on the 5th and take him to school on the morning of the 7th...

So Amy:

December - 22, 23, 30, 31
January 1, 2, 3, 4
with pick up in the early AM on the 24th and 30th and Noon on the 5th

So Todd:

December - 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29
January 5, 6, 7
with pick up in early AM on 24th and 30th and Noon on 5th

Please let me know as soon as you can.

Sorry if this is a bit jumbled - trying to get this typed up prior to heading to a funeral...

Amy

Email 12:

Amy,

As you will clearly note... We were in the middle of discussing the sale of the house and you sent me an email concerning visitation. I replied to you and requested that you keep our discussion on one topic.

What makes you think that I even took the time to read your email? I did not address anything in your email. I did not comment on anything you had to say. I got through the first sentence and quit reading when I realized that it was completely off-topic from what we were discussing at the time and I quickly hit reply and told you that I was expecting to keep the topic of discussion on the house.

As far as I know the email that you quoted below could have simply been manufactured by you here today. I’ve never read any more than the first sentence before. You could have just made the rest of it up today.

I will be happy to have Adam on the week of the 10th. I will plan for it.

FYI: If you are unwilling to honor the schedule that we defined in mediation, then I am going to have to request that we go back to our original visitation schedule where I have him on the weekends from Friday afternoon through Monday morning, and you have him the remainder of the time. The only reason I agreed to give up one weekend a month was because I would be getting that time back at other times throughout the year. One of the two weeks during Christmas break was part of that time.

Email Insanity (Part 3)....

2007-11-24T13:43:00.000-05:00

Email 13:

Todd,

Again; as I have stated before - I will get back to you about what the Christmas break schedule will be next week.

I will be speaking with my lawyer about this issue when he returns to the office next week.

-Amy

Email 14:

Amy,

As far as I’m concerned, if you are unwilling to split up the weekdays of Adam’s Christmas break as we had agreed to, then I will simply maintain my weekend visitation.

Additionally, since you are obviously not willing to work with me on the visitation schedule that we agreed to during mediation, then I’m going to have to request that we revert to the visitation schedule that we had been using prior to visitation, where I have Adam every weekend. We will continue that until you can work things out with your lawyer. I don’t have time to bicker with you about it.

-Todd

Email 15:

Todd,

As I stated - I will get back to you next week as to what the Christmas break schedule will be next week.

Whether you like it or not we still do not have a visitation schedule that has been decided to. So if we are going to revert to anything it will be the every other weekend that we were doing with the evening times during the week that started in August prior to the mediation.

Christmas...

2007-11-24T12:59:00.000-05:00

Ahhh it is getting to be time for the Christmas season...

It has been a very stressful week for me. I have been dealing with Todd and his insanity. I am doing my best to be fair and give him what he wants but it just isn't going to happen.

I am being fair but it isn't going to be what he wants and to be honest - I am at the point of not caring. I tried to get in touch with him and work with him all the way back in October and he refused to do so. That isn't my fault and I am not going to feel bad about it anymore.

At first I was feeling guilty about it but not anymore. He made his choices and now because of them - he isn't going to have Adam for his whole family Christmas. The schedule is fair to Adam because it splits his time 50/50 between Todd and myself.

All I can ask is that people pray because this visitation stuff is getting more and more mucked up. He is never happy with what is offered and then blames me. I can't deal with it anymore.

I am going to put myself in labor early. I have been having contractions like mad. During the day they are very sporadic but at night - I have them about every 15 minutes or so.

Belly Update...

2007-11-23T12:05:00.000-05:00

35 Weeks

36 Weeks

Protection...

2007-11-23T09:51:00.000-05:00

Earlier this week when my computer went down I headed to the library. I sent an email to numerous people and one of those people happened to be Todd about the Christmas vacation Adam has coming up.

Mind you I have been trying to communicate with him since the beginning of October about the time Adam has upcoming. Since I sent that email out - numerous emails have been exchanged and the last email I sent was no where near the high road I have been taking.

What do you do when you are going through a divorce and everyone seems to be on the other persons side; even your own attorney?

I have been doing my best to not have Adam hurting throughout this process and to give Todd time with Adam because of his illness. Yet right now I am struggling with what is best for Adam.

Todd has made the claim that things are getting worse for him. He has claimed his arms are going. He has claimed he can't get out of bed some days. There have been many claims from him and some of them are in email - so I do have them.

So my biggest things right now is this - is Adam safe to be with Todd? If it is hard for him to type up an email - why is he driving? If he can't get out of bed every day - how can he take care of Adam?

I do not want to take away the time he sees Adam; especially if his health is going downhill because Adam needs time with his dad. Yet I am truly leaning towards the fact that he has to have supervised visitation. It does not have to be a court appointed person - he just needs to have someone with him at all times when he has Adam; just in case.

Is that so wrong of me?

I have to be Adam's advocate since no one else is going to be. I do not have an advocate. You would think my lawyer was mine but really he has not been much help. He feels sorry for Todd as well and because of that and the fact that I can't pay him right now (so who blames him) he seems to be more on the side of do it yourself and let me know how it goes.

I just have to take things a day at a time right now and that is what I am doing. I am trying to not stress over this stuff but it just isn't working all that well. Even after being gone for 15 months he is still controlling me; I just hope he doesn't see it (but he probably does).

Happy Thanksgiving!

2007-11-22T04:57:00.001-05:00

Seeing how it is Thanksgiving this blog should be about what I am thankful for. This is going to be a difficult post for me because over the past few days I have been very stressed out and even though I should be thinking about what I am thankful for - it has been more like what I am not so thankful for...

01. I am thankful I have a roof over my head. I have struggled financially for the last 9 months (technically speaking) and yet I have managed to make each and every one of the rent payments that have been due since I have lived here (which is a total of 13 payments now).

02. I am thankful for my oldest son. Even though most days I would like to slap the child he is my son and I love him anyway. It is hard dealing with a child who is 14 and has hormones and is bipolar all at once. Oh lets not forget who also knows at 14 what is best for himself and his life. Gosh I am thankful we both make it through each day!

03. I am thankful for my youngest son. Even though right now he hates (has much anger towards) me because I broke the family up and left Todd to be on his own while he is sick. He is a blessing on most days even when he is mad at me. Reminds me of the love and caring I did teach him to have.

04. I am thankful for this pregnancy and the daughter I am going to have. It has been a rough pregnancy with lots of mishaps. I have really struggled. I am doing my best to not blame myself for everything going on due to the sin of me having this child because she is a blessing no matter how she came about.

05. I am thankful for my friends in real life. I might not have many of them really but those whom are there are really there for me. I lost a lot of my friends over the years because of the controlling nature of the relationship I was in yet one stayed. She has been a blessing; even when I am jealous of her good fortunes.

06. I am thankful for my friends online. God has used them in my life in ways I never knew possible. I would say that most of my friends who are in my life are from online relationships. They have given me much advice and guidance and He has used them as only He would know how to do.

07. I am thankful I am still able to get things done with my big belly. I have been so tired lately and I am feeling like a house. Yet when I have the energy to get things done I am making sure they get done.

08. I am thankful for the loads of laundry that need to be washed. You see it means that I am providing things for my boys. I don't really enjoy laundry but it reminds me as I move past them each day that we are taken care of right now.

09. I am thankful for the giving nature of others. I am not one who enjoys having to ask for help but when I do it seems that the Lord uses those whom He knows will show me that others care.

10. I am thankful for Jack. He was brought into my life about 11 months ago now. He is Isabella's dad. He might not be here all the time but he does give me time. He has helped me to see that not all men are bad. He has helped me to laugh and in turn heal over the past year. He might not understand everything about me but he does love me and he does want to help me.

11. I am thankful for having a camera that works. I love taking pictures and I love my children. So right now I am very thankful that I am able to capture what is going on around us with the camera I have. They might not be the best pictures in the world but they are pictures of us being a family.

12. I am thankful for the help I have received during this pregnancy. Due to me not being able to work and my limited income the medications I have needed for this pregnancy have been hard to come by. Although each time something is needed; even if I am unable to find the way to get it - someone else has been there to help me get the medication that I need.

13. I am thankful for the divorce I am going through. I am not thankful because I am divorcing my husband of 7 years or the man I have been with for the past 10 years. I am thankful that I had the courage to break out of the chains of fear that I was living in; even after leaving him. I am thankful the Lord helped me to find a lawyer and take the steps that were needed to file for divorce to break though those chains. I am thankful that recently (like in the past 4 days) I have seen truly how irrational he is. I am thankful that I have recently seen (like in the last month) how he truly does create his own reality to make things better for himself. It helped me to see that this divorce was needed and is the right thing to be doing.

14. I am thankful for God. I might be struggling with faith at the moment but He has never left my side. I might pull away from Him when things are bad and yet He is still right there waiting for me to return to Him.

Way Cute...

2007-11-22T00:16:00.000-05:00

Hey, I just made a total elf of myself. Check it out by clicking the link below.

http://www.elfyourself.com/?id=9570736117

This elfin' greeting brought to you by OfficeMax®.

101st Post...

2007-11-21T14:46:00.000-05:00

Well I knew I was getting close to having 100 posts. So I decided to check it out today and low and behold - today is my 101st If I remember correctly a lot of people do 100 things about them self when they get there. So in keeping with that - I am going to do this today - 101 things about me. I do have to say I am thrilled there is an auto-save feature because of my computer not working right. At this point I am able to get it up and going for about 20 minutes at a time - so I get 2o minutes at a time to work!

Now onto the 101 things about me....

001. I am 5 feet and 5 inches tall
002. I have blue eyes
003. I have brown hair
004. I have natural curly hair
005. I was born a Blondie
006. I love to write
007. I love being a mom
008. I love to read
009. I can not draw
010. I love taking photographs
011. I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up
012. I am expecting my first baby girl in December
013. My favorite number is 13
014. I have two boys
015. I am currently going through a divorce
016. I am bipolar
017. I love to sing
018. I am in the process of growing and don't know where I will end
019. I am a type B personality with type A tendencies
020. I have struggled with finding people who support me and my bipolar disorder
021. I do not enjoy laundry
022. I do not like listening to whining
023. I believe in God
024. Miracles seem to happen when I am faltering in faith the most
025. I have been struggling financially for over a year now
026. I have Factor V Leiden clotting issue
027. I struggle with communicating
028. Some of my best friends I have met online
029. I live in a two bedroom apartment
030. My bipolar gets worse when death in the family occurs
031. I wear my heart on my sleeve
032. I like snow for about a week
033. I grew up in a middle class family
034. I graduate from an alternative school after dropping out of high school
035. I enjoy working out
036. I love Reuben sandwiches
037. My favorite color is green
038. I have had morning/all day sickness with all three pregnancies
039. I love going to Disney World
040. My favorite song is "Better than Life"
041. My favorite dessert is lemon meringue pie
042. My favorite sound is water sounds; rain, waterfalls, oceans, etc.
043. My favorite place is Hawaii
044. My favorite fast food is Arby's
045. My favorite sit down restaurant is Johnny's Carino's
046. I talk on the phone to much
047. I have huge trust issues
048. I get jealous of people at times
049. I could eat spinach dip daily
050. I am 32 years old
051. I have a birthday in February and hated it (cause of winter)
052. All my children have winter birthdays
053. I have one niece
054. I have one brother
055. I have one sister
056. I give to people even after being hurt by them
057. I need more patience for my children
058. I am a huge pushover
059. I am learning to grow a backbone
060. The main thing I drink is water
061. I want to run in a race next year
062. I enjoy kid movies
063. I want to get back to going to church
064. I struggle with eating meat (if I think about the animal)
065. I am not very good at math
066. I have a mother-hen nature about me
067. I am very passionate about mental health and what goes on with it (especially when it comes to insurance issues)
068. I want to go back to school but I am not 100% sure for what
069. I have been a smoker in the past
070. I like wine
071. I want to learn how to do some ballroom dances
072. I am not happy with my current weight (prior to pregnancy)
073. I actually for the 1st time know what it means to be happy; even though depressed
074. I used to be a soap opera junky but haven't watched in about 3 years now
075. I have been in a mental health hospital 2 times
076. It has taken me 32 years to realize I don't really enjoy holidays, birthdays, anniversaries or anything that needs to be celebrated due to disappointment
077. I am learning how to love my enemies and it isn't easy
078. I can be an emotional eater
079. I don't mind going to the dentist
080. I am very stubborn when I get my mind set on something
081. I can be over zealous when manic
082. I cry a lot when depressed
083. I am very irritable when manic
084. I have no energy when depressed
085. I seek out approval from others when I should only be seeking from God
086. I have made it on my own for the last 15 months without financial help from the "dad's"
087. I am not a huge fan of pork because of the salt content
088. I have a blue 1998 Saturn SL1
089. I enjoy playing games with the boys
090. I am learning how to cut toxic people from my life
091. I am still working through childhood issues
092. I am a sinner
093. I enjoy watching sports; football, hockey, baseball, etc.
094. I have had 5 blogs since 2004
095. My favorite flower is the purple tulip
096. I hate shopping and do as much online as possible
097. I miss Jack when he is gone (that is a good thing for me)
098. I love vegetables
099. My favorite candy is Reese's peanut butter cups
100. My favorite meal growing up was pot roast, potatoes and carrots
101. I have learned it is important to like/love who I am the way I am; I can always improve myself but I have to be happy with what spot I am at in life.

Isabella Update...

2007-11-20T14:31:00.001-05:00

This is all I am going to say:

I am having an amniocentesis on

December 10th

If her lungs are developed I am being induced

December 11th

Holidays, Children and Ex's

2007-11-20T08:44:00.000-05:00

I have been looking forward to Thanksgiving day this year. I would have both my boys and I was excited to be able to cherish that time with them. I won't have Adam on Christmas Eve or Day this year and that really saddens me. It will be the first time ever I have not have both of my children on a Holiday.

Well that isn't totally true I didn't have Adam last Easter, Mothers Day or Thanksgiving but I got through them because I kind of pretended the days didn't exist. I don't think it will be that easy with Christmas though.

Well now lets get back to Thanksgiving. Adam and I are talking about this upcoming weekend. He lets me know that Todd will be picking him up early Friday morning. I told him no I am not giving up my time with you just because it is a holiday weekend Adam. He started to huff and puff and I said plus your dad has not called to discuss this with me and he needs to if he feels he is picking you up at a much earlier time.

It went into him telling me you have me all week long and dad doesn't get any time with me - when you do have me all you do is make dinner, make me clean and do homework and never spend time with me or you are on the phone and we never do anything - oh and he doesn't want to live with me anymore because we never have money.

Talk about a heartbreaking morning. Knowing your child doesn't want to be with you.

He walked out of the house without even saying good-bye to me.

So now what? What do I do?

ARG COMPUTERS!!!!!

2007-11-19T10:35:00.000-05:00

No pictures today.

Nothing all to detailed today. Although I wish I had the time because a lot has been on my mind lately.

My computer went down yesterday morning. I got my blog updated, checked my email and went to go restart my computer and it crashed on me.

So I am taking it into Best Buy once again and praying it is something that is under warranty. Please be under warranty or I will be without a computer for a very long time!

I am at the library right now which is fine. Just wanted to let all of you know (since so many read this blog - LOL) that I won't be updating until I have a computer back. I might jump on here from time to time while at the library but with the limited amount of time you have - I am not sure I would be able to go into detail like I want at this point.

So - that is it. I am without a computer once again - second time in a year! Sometimes I love technology and other times - I can't stand it.

Bet you can guess what time it is right now!

Weekend Update...

2007-11-18T11:28:00.000-05:00

Well this weekend has been a very pleasant one actually. I was not sure what was going to go on this weekend to be honest.

Adam had another weekend with Todd and Kyle was going hunting for the last time up at the farm with my dad. Jack was going to be hunting all weekend.

So what did that leave for me? A weekend all alone. Not that I mind really but they do get old kind of quickly.

This is what actually happened. Jack came over Friday afternoon for about a hour or so; which was so nice. Then he came back on Friday night.

On Saturday he didn't get up in the morning to go hunting and was only gone for a short time to get his hunting stuff for Saturday night. Turned out no one was going hunting Saturday night so we got the whole day together.

I rather enjoyed that.

We watched a couple of movies with each other. Ocean 13 and Mr. Brooks. Both really good movies but then again I like the Ocean series. Mr. Brooks - I wasn't so sure about that movie but it was good.

We spent the day on the couch together. We watched the Michigan vs. Ohio State football game. Of course Michigan lost.

I worked on laundry.

Stuffed myself with pumpkin pie. The funny thing is - I don't like pumpkin pie. Well I guess I can't say that is true now cause I could have eaten the whole darn thing! Good thing I wasn't all alone or I would have had the whole pie gone before the weekend was over.

By the time I went to lay down for the night - I was out for the night (well as out as I can be being 8 months pregnant - that gotta go the bathroom thing is so darn old).

Jack got up early this morning to try and go get a deer once again. Next week is going to be sucky though because I really won't see him. I know everyone needs time away but I miss when I don't see him. I guess if I was around him all the time - him going away would not be such a big deal because I was seeing him all the time. Yet I don't get to see him all the time - I only see him when he shows up. Which has been a lot more lately but it doesn't mean I don't miss him when he is gone.

Belly Update....

2007-11-16T09:28:00.000-05:00

34 Weeks

35 Weeks

Divorce

2007-11-16T07:58:00.000-05:00

Is it ever going to be final?

I sent my lawyer an email a few days ago asking some questions. He got back to me yesterday about it.

He also contacted Todd's attorney to speak with her. Of course we are still stuck on the whole, "We can't move forward until I met with Todd's mom and that is scheduled for the beginning of December."

Well here is my question - he is 37 years old and the logic from his parents is that with his current health situation he is unable to make the decisions that need to be made for this divorce because of the other stress in his life.

Yet their biggest contention over this divorce is the fact that Todd is not getting enough time with Adam. Umm - let me get this straight here - he is not in the correct mental state to make decisions about his own divorce but he is in the correct mental state to be able to care for and make decisions for an 8 year old?

Where is the logic there? Am I missing something? Am I not seeing what they see?

We are supposed to have a review done through friend of the court. I guess that was decided at the last court hearing. Well we went to court over a month ago. Still I find out from my lawyer that the order has not been signed yet. WHAT?

They have 30 days to sign the temp order - it has been over 30 days. Child support has been suspended for over a month now; not that I was getting any but still.

I am beyond frustrated with all of the crap that goes on with this divorce.

I had a friend who said the next time Todd tries to talk to me I should say something like, "I would love to talk to you about this but since you are incapable of making decisions on your own I need to speak with your mom first." Oh man would that piss him off!

Past Couple of Days...

2007-11-16T07:35:00.000-05:00

Have been very rough on me. Words have kind of escaped me. I know that all of these things going on are not my fault per say but I have added to them I am sure.

I have been in a huge struggle with myself. What do I do to provide for my boys? What do I do to get my bills paid off?

I have been thinking the past day or so I was just going to go and start to apply for jobs again. Even though I am not supposed to work right now I need the money. Even though no one will hire me because I can't get a work release from a doctor - I feel the need to try. I have a month or less until this little girl is here; why can't I wait? I have made it this long with the struggle.

I guess what upsets me more than anything else is the fact that I am doing it all alone. All I hear from the boys fathers is, "You know I have no problem providing for them I just don't have the money right now." Well how in the heck do you think they are being provided for then? How do you think food is being fed to them? How do you think they are getting clothing to cover their bodies? How do you think they have a roof over their heads? I guess even if you don't have money - you find a way to provide for them because they need to be taken care of!

I can't give them the extras they would like although I am keeping them with full bellies, dry heads, clothed bodies and some toys to play with.

I have to sit by and watch their fathers do all the extras and have all the fun with them. It hurts to see all of this going on. It makes me feel as if they are trying to punish me but in the end all it does is hurt the kids.

Good Mom

2007-11-14T15:57:00.000-05:00

What makes someone a good mom? I am in a huge struggle lately with this question.

I know when I was working things were okay here; financially. I know finances don't make or break you as a good parent.

Although things like today have just been so rough on me. I got my disability check today and it is gone. I am back to having $2.04 in my bank account until December 12th when I will once again get another check; pay my bills and be left with $2.04 in my bank account.

Today I had to tell Adam that I would not be able to get him anything for Christmas. He was okay with that really but he still believes in Santa and think Santa will get him something. After the talk we had - I could not go any further because I was about in tears at that point anyway.

Kyle has a project for science that is due next week. The problem is to construct a package containing a raw egg so that the package may fall from the desired height without breaking the egg. I have $2.04 and all the things he wants to use to construct this are just not feasible.

So what makes a good mom? Someone who can provide for her children in all ways? I right now am failing at that. I am not providing for my children in all ways. I have enough money each month to be able to pay our bills and that is it. I provide a roof over their heads.

I know that I should not struggle so much with this because it isn't me who is the only one who is failing the boys. Neither of the fathers are paying for anything. I get zero for child support at this point in time.

Yet to be the one who is always saying, "That isn't in the budget. We can't do that." is very tiring when the father is taking them to movies, out to dinner, dirt biking and well you get the picture. At 8 and 14 the boys should have nothing to worry about and yet they do.

Today has been such a rough day for me emotionally. I can't wait for it to be over.

Oh and on another note - I had to contact SSA yesterday and found out the boys were denied. So now I just sit here and wait for the denial letter to come in the mail. I had an issue with my social security card and they needed to resend it to me but I needed to call to get it done. While on the phone I asked if she could see a status on the boys claims and she said it looks like it has been denied.

So there is no money there. I can't work right now. We have no money in the bank for anything. My car is about to die. My kids will have nothing for Christmas. I am bringing another child into this world.

What is wrong with me?

Computers Suck...

2007-11-13T09:04:00.001-05:00

Well as some of you know my computer crashed in June.

When it crashed I took it into Best Buy which is where I bought it from. Not a big deal until they come out and say, "Where is your recovery disk? We can't put anything on your computer without your recovery disk."

Okay now mind you - I am not the smartest computer person in the world BUT I do know some things about computers. I know you need a recovery disk. The problem came when it dawned on me I didn't set my computer up. Never saw anything come up telling me to create a recovery disk - so I never did it. When I asked the person who set my computer up if they created a recovery disk and I was told no - my heart sank.

I had my girlfriend get on HP's website and she tried to enter the information in for me to order a recovery disk. It would not go through. So I called HP then. Well according to them I had a hot computer. The place I bought to computer from never sent verification that this computer had been sold. After going round and round between Best Buy and HP - they finally (HP) were going to send out a disk in August. YEAH for me...

Then I got the disk and it was not the right disk. So I call them back. They have me send it back and then when they get it they will send out a new one. We went through this process 3 times and now we end up here today.

I make a phone call to find out the latest progress on this whole pain in my bottom situation. For the lady to be a bigger pain in my butt.

I am sorry mama but it has been over a year we can't just send you a disk in the mail - you need to be paying for these disks now.

I just started to laugh and got the response of, I am allowed to hang the phone up on you for being inappropriate.

That just made me laugh even harder. I said Lady I have been working on this since June the computer at that point was NOT over a year old.

Then she proceeds to let me know that she can't send a CD recovery disk out to me because there is already a Windows XP Media Center Edition 2006 sticker with a code on the bottom of my computer. What the sam hell are you talking about women?

So once again - I sit and wait - for another manager to call me and for me to start from the beginning again!

Some days computers suck!

Frustration

2007-11-12T09:54:00.000-05:00

My life seems to run in circle. I try to not be frustrated with the way things go but it is hard not to be.

I have so many things going on right now that I get overwhelmed with getting anything complete.

I have finally got all the information I need for the application for the Section 8 Housing. Does not mean I will be approved or even make it off the waiting list prior to moving next year. Yet I at least have it filled out and ready to be turned in. Of course they are not open today but still - it is ready for tomorrow.

I called Michigan Department of Human Services to let them know my rent is going up and child support went down. Of course they are closed today as well so I left a message with my case worker. We will see what happens. I just need to know where to send the new and improved information or if I have to fill out a whole new application. I am hoping I can just send a copy of the new rental agreement and not have to fill the whole thing of paperwork out again.

I finally got an email from Keith. This would be Kyle's dad. Now back when I was in the hospital he moved to the Philippians. I sent him a message asking for him information; as in address and phone and had not heard back from him. I finally got a message back today letting me know he is home, living with his mom and dad again and without a job. Well don't rush to contact your son. I mean he is only your son. I guess I just know how to pick the right men to be fathers!

Had to work on filling out paperwork for Adam for his Free/Reduced lunch program. Apparently the state randomly picks so many children from each school district each year to make sure they are telling the truth about their income. So then you have to go through this whole verification process. Well I turned it all in when I filled out the papers; like I do each year. The State happened to pick Adam this year and the school can not find the paperwork I submitted at the beginning of the year. So that means - I have to get it all from each agency AND have it to them by the 15th of this month. I have been trying but don't have the exact stuff they need. So I would like to scream because Adam and Kyle could potentially lose this program because I don't have the proper paperwork to turn in.

What else is there going on that is frustrating. The whole court process. I have a letter I need to send to Friend of the Court about the whole Todd situation. I need to get that in the mail by tomorrow. (please pray my printer has enough ink in it to print it out the right way) I have the letter done but for some reason I am just worried I didn't say enough or said to much. I am not sure to be honest. I have huge concerns with Todd right now. He is saying he wants Adam more than 50% of the time and yet he is claiming at the same time he can't work because of how ill he is. Okay - so why in the heck is he driving with Adam then? If his illness is progress that quickly - how is he caring for Adam? I am worried. Maybe I need to ask for supervised visitations at this point. Maybe that is an over-reaction. I just don't know.

Then there is the SI I applied for with the boys. I know I am probably just over-reacting here but she said if I didn't have a check by the 10th then they are probable denied. Okay so it is a holiday for the government this weekend/today because of Veterans day. Yet it is the 12th and there has been nothing from anyone so far. So I have $2.88 in my bank account, very little food, no gas in the car and a $300 script I need to get next week (or I will probably end up in the hospital again). So because most things do not work the way I hope for - I am going to just call it good and say they didn't get it. That way when the denial letter does come - I don't have so much disappointment.

So there is most of my frustration right now. It does not fully cover it all but I am pretty sure you have a good idea as to what is going on in my life. I keep on saying it has to get better but to be honest - I am not so sure I really believe that at all.

Ahhh - Post Happy Today....

2007-11-09T15:21:00.000-05:00

Adam, Kyle and Todd at Talladega

Adam, Todd and Kyle at Animal Kingdom Lodge at Disney World

Chip and Adam with whipped cream noses!
Kyle, Pooh and Adam

Kyle, Todd and Adam hunting at the cabin

Adam acting like Chicken Little

Adam with Crazy Hair Day at School

Adam playing flag football.
Adam in his Mohawk phase

Adam with his broken leg. Happened on his 6th birthday.

I found these pictures on Todd's myspace today. So I copied them. I have no pictures from my boys growing up anymore. I mean when I left home - I left home and I left all these memories behind.

I have not forgotten about these things but I don't have an actual picture anymore to be able to look back upon them and talk to the boys about. That is really the only thing I truly miss. My pictures.

I have always been a picture happy person and I miss them! I did copy them to my computer so at least I have these now.

Gestational Diabetes and Blood Thinners

2007-11-09T12:57:00.001-05:00

One finger prick and a mess later!

I must have hit a blood vessel directly today. I have to prick my finger one hour after I eat breakfast, lunch and dinner.

I did and it was bleeding pretty good so I got a paper towel. Have no idea why I grabbed that because normally one square of toilet paper is more than enough to stop it. Yet today I went for the paper towel (good thing).

Well it just kept on bleeding. I finally got it to stop and I bumped it and it sprayed. Yet my finger was praying like you see in the movies.

I made a mess but cleaned it up prior to taking this picture. Why did I take a picture of the blood - because I am nuts.

So that is what I lost from a finger poke everyone. It isn't even all of it because I cleaned up the spray with a different towel.

Moral of all this - if you are going to be diabetic - stay away from blood thinners. No blood clots allowed!

Pregnancy Update

2007-11-09T12:11:00.001-05:00

32 Weeks and 5 days

I was big there - measuring about 34 weeks. Not to much bigger but you know - I seem to always measure big.

34 weeks and 0 days

I am big here - measuring about 36 weeks.

On the plus side of things - okay so these are going to be a huge stretch so bare with me (trying to have that positive thinking thing going on here) - I am dilating and thinning out.

I have been having real contractions - not the braxton hicks kind. They start in the back and work their way up front. I have one of those every couple of hours. So really they are not so close but I do know if I am having two every hour - they are gonna stick me in the hospital and induce me.

The doctors will not stop my labor right now if I do go naturally. I have had to much going on for them to stop it. Isabella would just be in NICU for a couple of weeks at this point.

I don't expect that I will be going anytime soon but you just never know.

Cupcakes Anyone....

2007-11-08T16:05:00.001-05:00

My boys are two very different children. I mean all children have their own personalities and all but these two boys are very different in a lot of ways.

They are also similar in some ways. Of course those things come from me (since they have different dads).

Both of them are very caring about others. My youngest son is very much like me when it comes to the caring about others. He is a true mother hen. I do not know if this is something that one learns from watching others because I don't recall seeing it growing up but I was one growing up. Now with Adam I can see he watched me but I do believe it is just something that is in you.

My Adam has taken to watching after a little girl who is in kindergarten. She does not live in the same building that we do but she does live in this complex. So they ride the same bus together. There have been times when her mom was not home and Adam has stayed outside with her until her mom gets home and she can get into her apartment.

This mom has taken to making Adam cupcakes when he does things like this. It isn't an all the time thing but she lets him know how much she appreciates his caring nature. He never expected anything in return but it was nice to get treated to something (I never make) for doing good.

He has done it many times and she has given him cupcakes a couple of times. He has told her he does not need them but she asks him to take them anyway. I think it is nice of her to do that but it is not needed.

He just has such a big heart. He wants to do right all the time...

Maybe I am doing something right with them...

Quarters - Money - Does it Ever End?

2007-11-08T12:19:00.000-05:00

Here we are yet another month waiting for my disability check to get here. Not a big deal because when it gets here - it pays the bills and is gone. I have nothing then until the next one comes in.

Yet each month it seems like something goes wrong. I was prepared for that this month though.

I have a phone through Vonage and they screwed up and I was charged last month when I should not have been. Put my account negative because I was not expecting it. Well after dealing with them I was told my "free" month would be in November.

Well with how my luck goes - I decided I had best keep the $32.00 in my bank account "just in case" they take it out in November. Oh and glory be - guess what happened - they charged my account. So I was thrilled with myself for keeping the money in the account and preventing me from going negative.

After talking with them this morning - I am going to get two free months instead of the one free month. Although I don't get them until January and February.

Okay - so I decide to get online to check my bank account. I should have had whole $0.26 in my account. Yet when I logged into it and it pulled up my account information - it was a negative $15.60. Oh joy. What in the world is going on now?!

I opened up the account to figure out what is going on. You see two days ago when I reconciled my account everything had cleared. I had nothing outstanding. So why today am I negative? Just shoot me!

I find that there is a pending charge for $15.86. Not sure what it is for since it is pending. Yet I can't afford to have my account negative when it goes through. That will start me off when I do get my check at $948.14 and I would have to sit and figure out what wasn't going to be paid this month. Then it would take me months to make it up.

Not getting child support; even with how little it was from Keith (Kyle's dad) is killing me. I used that money for gas and well now we don't even have he one check a month he was sending. He was a useless piece of crap and yet I know - I was involved with him. Okay enough about that.

So I went into panic mode this morning. You know what I ended up doing. Being a terrible mom. Yup that is right - I stole from my youngest son. He has a state quarters collection and it was enough to put my account positive (along with returning all of my bottles and all of my change). I feel like crap - I stole from my 8 year old son. So now I have to work on replacing all his quarters - which will not be an easy thing to do.

Some days I just wonder how in the world I have survived this long.

Here is the thing - I do know we need money to survive. We all have to have some kind of income to be able to pay our bills, put gas in our vehicles, and sometimes splurge on fun things.

I have never though believed money makes you happy. I know it helps make some people happy but I don't want my children to grow up thinking that having possessions are super important and they have to do whatever to get it.

I see that with Kyle. It really makes me sad but then again - it is what my dad does as well (and sometimes my mom). When I left home the whole thing for them was, "What about all your things? What about all the stuff we have bought the boys over the years?"

Well let me think about that a moment - ummm things don't really matter to me and the more you point out all the "things" we left behind the more Kyle gets upset - so knock it off!

My oldest son has many issues and teaching him that things are important is not going to help. I know money does make things easier but it isn't what makes one happy. Yes I am always happier and less stressed when I am not worried about money but I don't have to have a ton of money to make my life great.

You know that each month I live off of $998.00. Not a lot really. It pays for the basic things we need. That is the important thing I believe. Yet in the end how do you get your children to see that is all that is important? That just being with family and having the love of them means more than being able to go and see a movie...

Bipolar and Pregnancy

2007-11-07T08:17:00.000-05:00

Yesterday was a roller coaster for me. Yesterday morning was okay. I did just fine. Then as the afternoon came on I started to progress downward. Then by evening I was a mess.

I live in a roller coaster world. When pregnant I have always been pretty stable; at least with my other two pregnancies. This one has thrown me for a loop.

I have had major depression. I have had some mania. I have all around be someone who is on a cycle during this pregnancy. I have been an emotional wreck and it makes me worried.

I shut down when around people when it comes to bipolar. It isn't right but I tend to do that. When I am dealing with bipolar issues I have no faith that people will try to understand. I just assume it is going to be like the past.

I wrote for myself last night after Jack left. I made him leave. I would not open up to him. I would not talk to him. All I did was laid there crying and shutting him out. I knew what I was doing. I knew he would leave. I also knew there was a chance I blew the whole thing by doing it.

I sent him what I wrote. It wasn't for him. It wasn't to him. Although I am hoping he sees a bit of what I deal with. It was a mess. It was the inside of my thoughts. I was honest and because I was writing for me I wasn't concerned about what I wrote. I didn't look for the correct words to place so as not to hurt anyone. I just wrote for me.

Who knows what will come of it. I am sure (in my head) that he will run. Who would not run when they read my thoughts. If I was a normal person - I personally would run myself.

Please pray for this roller coaster I seem to be on. I need to be on meds but won't do it while pregnant. I have a while to go before she gets here and they are getting more extreme.

Isabella Update...

2007-11-06T19:54:00.000-05:00

Had an appointment today for the pregnancy. It was a combination appointment which seemed to take forever. We were to have the monthly ultrasound done, the bi-weekly NST done and the regular visit with the OB.

The ultrasound was amazing. We were not at a machine that had the ability to the do the 3-D today. It was kind of disappointing and yet at the same time - just seeing her is amazing. She weights exactly 5 pounds today (33 weeks and 4 days). She was at the 48% for her weight. Although this is about the time that diabetic babies pack on the pounds - so she could easily shoot up the charts for her weight! I am going to attach a couple of ultrasound pics from today at the bottom of the post - as well as some from the last ultrasound that was about a month ago. She has gained almost 2 full pounds in the last month! At the last ultrasound she was at 3 pounds 2 ounces. YIKES!

Her mouth was going like crazy today as well! Her tongue was in and out of her mouth like mad. It was so cute to see. She was also practicing her breathing today. It was awesome to see! We also got to see her blink. Oh seeing all of this going on inside of me is just amazing!!!!

The NST went well today. Seemed to take forever but in the end I know it is worth it.

The visit with the OB went okay. We talked about when I go into the hospital and what will need to be done. He wants to put me on heparin about 6 to 12 hours after she is born because if I start to bleed to much - it is short acting and they can deal with that. I will have to have compression leg things on me while I am off the heparin until I am at therapeutic levels again. What fun.

Overall - today the visit went well! I am much happier than I thought I was going to be. Not sure why I thought I would not be happy but was just worried things would be blah when I left there.

This is Isabella blinking. This was taken today!

This is the second shot of her blinking. This was taken today! It was so cool seeing her blink!

This is her ear!

Jack kept on saying he was sure she didn't have ears because we never saw them. So the tech took a picture for him. This was taken on 10/09/07.

Here are the last two shots of her from 10/09/07!

Do You Ever Feel Like One of These?

2007-11-05T10:44:00.000-05:00

Are you in need of Courage, Heart or Brain?

Today I am feeling like:

If I only had a brain!

What an Update...

2007-11-05T07:59:00.000-05:00

Well I have not done an update since November 1st and that wasn't really an update on life. So this is going to be a jumbled post to try and catch up everyone on life.

I am at two non-stress tests (NST's) a week now. I normally go on Monday's and Thursday's. Not a lot of fun to just sit there for 20 minutes. Although I have yet to just sit there for 20 minutes.

The heart rate is supposed to be taken while the baby is awake. Okay well when Isabella is awake (heart rate needs to be over 140) she is moving non-stop. Her heart rate is usually up in the 190's. Well they can't take you off of the monitor if the heart rate is over 180! So I sit forever.

Or then there is the time when she isn't awake and no matter what they do (give me water to drink, buzz and zap Isabella) she wakes for a moment and then back to sleep she goes. So it takes forever.

I must admit it hasn't been that bad yet because I have heard of women sitting for hours and hours for these things and I am usually out of there in a hour - so for that I am grateful! Yet the driving two and from twice a week plus my once a week for the other OB - gas, gas, and more gas! Gets a bit frustrating when you are without a job.

Well to save on gas on November 1st I headed over to the local social security office. I have been getting disability since 2003.

I have bipolar disorder and I have been in a mental health hospital twice now. Not a big deal really but Todd was not supportive and felt that they were my bills and he was not going to help pay them. So I had to look to non-profit organizations to help me pay for it. They would not help because of Todd's income though so they suggested I go to the state.

So I went to the state of Michigan for help. Well since I had a private insurance they assume that you have a disability and won't even process your help for medical assistance until after you have applied for Social Security Disability. So that is what I did. I didn't expect to get it - thought I would get the help from the state. Instead I got approved for disability. Got the approval for Medicaid as well but with a $10000.00 spend down per month. Well if I had that money I would not have needed the help in the first place.

Anyway - I went there because after years and years of calling to see if my children qualified for SI (supplemental income) I finally got an appointment and was told they should qualify. Well I got a letter while I was in the hospital telling me I needed to send them an original birth certificate for Kyle. So I called the 800 number on the sheet of paper I had. Well I asked them if I could just go into the local office to get it taken care of because they could not guarantee they would sent it back to me and I wasn't going to waste $13 to get a new one for him.

I was a bit disappointed though. I went and did the whole interview on the 1st. It was nice to get it over with actually. Although I was disappointed because I found out had I applied for it (SI) for the boys back when I applied - I would have had a back-check for the boys that I could have bought a trailer with. That would have eliminated my monthly expenses by over $400 a month. So because the lady who did the original interview said to me your boys won't qualify for it so do you really want to waste my time and your time - it takes about a hour to do. I said no.

So learn this lesson from me - if you EVER need to apply for anything - make sure you apply for everything when you first apply!

So now here is a glimpse into my weekend... Jack has been around most weekends. He comes over after work/football games on Friday nights. Comes over on Saturday nights and occasional comes over on Sunday nights.

Well this weekend was no different. It just makes me wonder though. I try not to worry or think about it but it does make me wonder what will it be like when Isabella is finally here.

Is he going to come and go like he does now? Is he only going to be here at nights? Is he going to just assume because she lives with me that he can still do what he wants when he wants without talking to me first? Is anything going to really change?

I have told some friends before that things just don't change once a baby is born. Men don't just change because a baby is here. I have seen it before; Todd didn't change. Neither did Keith. Chad hasn't changed. Paul hasn't changed. I mean seriously - I don't see men changing once the babies are here. I wish it did happen but it just doesn't seem to be the case...

I am also having nightmares. I am having dreams that I got into labor early and I can't reach Jack. Of course this is a normal thing but I don't like the feelings I have when I wake up from them. I am having panic attacks... It is the worse feeling in the world. I told him I was feeling like that last night and he said well that's it - I am not going hunting. I told him not to be crazy he was going hunting. I have never gone into labor early unless induced so I am not too worried about it but you know with all that has gone wrong this pregnancy - it is something that might be there as a problem.

Really what else went on this weekend was not much. I spent all day Saturday and Sunday working on the mounds of dirty laundry that has built up in my house.

After being in the hospital and being put on bed-rest - I have been doing a load a day. Yet keep in mind - normally that would be all that I needed to do; a load (or two) a day. Of course though while I was gone - no one did the laundry for me so I have been playing catch up on my laundry.

I am still not finished with it but I am so much closer than I was. I hate laundry. I really do. I love the clean clothing you get afterwards but I hate the washing, drying, folding/hanging and then putting it away.

I guess if I wasn't 33 weeks pregnant it might be a bit easier to bend over to get it taken care of. Unfortunately I am 33 weeks pregnant and Isabella is growing like a weed. Her bottom is up in my ribs now 99% of the time. So most things I do take a bit of extra effort to get accomplished...

The Day After Halloween....

2007-11-01T08:23:00.000-04:00

It was a rainy night last night. It started to sprinkle as we went outside - go figure. Then it started to get really windy. We still went trick or treating though.

We didn't make it through the whole neighborhood as they had planned. After about a hour and 15 minutes of walking Adam's feet were hurting and Kyle was tired of doing it as well. So we left.

I broke my umbrella. Actually the wind broke my umbrella. I cut myself on it. At least I was able to get it to stop bleeding. Darn blood thinners!

Below are some pictures of the boys on Halloween. I am going to be picture happy for a while now.

Ninja Adam

Deathman Kyle

Adam with his pumpkin and bag of candy after we got home.

Kyle with his pumpkin and bag of candy after we got home.

Kyle and Adam after we got home. Yes I have taught my children to not play with guns and knives and swords. You can see how well they have learned.

Finally got a really good smile out of Adam. Only to have Kyle in the background being a ham as usual!

No Laughing...

2007-10-31T14:08:00.000-04:00

I have been trying to figure out what was wrong with my digital camera. Well today I got it working again! I am sooooo very excited.

So I am posting a picture of my belly at 32 weeks and 5 days. There is NO laughing and don't mind the water spots on the mirror...

Also I have tried to explain this picture I have on the wall to a friend of mine - so I am placing it here for him to finally see it!

Happy Halloween!

2007-10-31T13:38:00.000-04:00

Halloween is today. Adam is excited to go out. Kyle changes his mind every other minute on if he is going out, staying in, and then what he plans on being. I give up - he is 14 and when he finally decides he will let me know...

I am going to be walking Adam this year. It isn't my favorite thing to do and since I am supposed to be on bed-rest still I am not supposed to be doing it. Yet I am.

Last night we did pumpkins. I break out in a rash from the darn pumpkin guts. Adam loves pumpkin seeds roasted (and so do I). So I spent a good couple of hours digging in the pumpkin guts and pulling out the seeds. I was hurting and exhausted by the time I was done.

Then to be honest with me being pregnant I should not have been cooking them anyway. I forgot to spray the pan - put them in the oven - stirred them a few times - each time throwing some off the pan into the oven - filling the house with smoke - but at least in the end they turned out okay.

Was not as many as we normally have but they still taste good. Adam took some in a bag to school today. He was really happy. I think that is one of his favorite things this time of year!

Well just wanted to say to those who do celebrate (even if it doesn't make you happy):

HAPPY

HALLOWEEN

FRIENDS

AND

FAMILY!

It Was The Day Before Halloween....

2007-10-30T15:32:00.000-04:00

and one of my best friends had no Halloween costumes for her 3 (of 4) children. So I scurried around trying to find things for the little buggers...

Financially for most I know it has been rough; including myself of course. Yet I am a sucker when it comes to children.

It isn't their fault their parents are not maintaining jobs. They still have a right to the things they had in the past. The husband was cut down to part time work in September. He knew about it in the beginning of August. He still doesn't have a second job or full time job to make up for what was lost. He isn't even looking. Of course I probably should just let them deal with it on their own but being the person I am - I could not do that...

Adam was Anakin Skywalker last year. The costume was the one when he flew in that race. Of course it will be huge on Joshua but at least it is a costume for him. So I spent some time and found the mask and costume itself.

When they came out here to pick it up he seemed to be pretty happy with it. He put the mask on and just laughed about it. He is such a funny child at times. I am hoping he enjoys it...

April whom is their middle child gets a hand me down costume. Last year her sister was Snow White. So this year she gets to be Snow White. So I didn't have to try and come up with a costume for her.

Okay so I know the reality is I didn't have to come up with anything for any of them but I felt bad and wanted to help. It is just who I am.

I could have nothing for myself and be in such need on my own (like I am) and yet I will do what I have to do for others who are in need as well.

Taylor is their oldest child. She really as the rest of them had no choice in what she was going to be. I went to a service center where I get to "shop" twice a month and used one of my shops.

They had a white dress with a white knit shawl that I pieced together.

So she gets to be a bride this year. Might not be what she wanted but it was what I could find. She will just have to be happy with it.

At the same time of being there for one of my shops though I did find somethings that we can use to make some Christmas presents out of.

They had a couple of pie tins up there. Has anyone ever put an image on a pie pan and than taken a hammer and nail and pounded it out? They take a bit of time but they turn out pretty neat. So I am going to spend some time looking around online to see if we can find something cool to make for my parents or whomever the boys decide to do it for. I got two pie tins so they each get one.

Oh and my boys for Halloween are going to be a Ninja and Napoleon Dynamite.

Can you figure out who is who?

All we are doing is recycling whatever we have around... I sure do miss my things - the things I used to have at the house that could just throw things together. I could whip up a costume in no time with all of the things I had there.

I am not into possessions but some times I really miss some of those types of things. LOL

Boy there is nothing like a child being happy with what is in front of them! Makes you day you know... Just knowing you helped them out and made them smile.

Somehow no matter how horrible your day is - when the children smile and laugh - all worries seem to go away...

Parenting

2007-10-29T20:56:00.000-04:00

This is how I feel by the end of most days. I would just like to pull my hair out.

I am not the best parent in the world. I am more than aware of this.

I say things and do things that I should not in front of my children. I open my mouth and spew things out and then go what the hell was I thinking when I did that.

I know that one of my biggest problems is that I say to much to my boys. Actually not both of them but to my oldest one.

He knows his dad is gone out of the country. He understands it is partly because his dad no longer wanted to pay child support for him. Should he know this - probably not and yet he does. He also know how stressful he makes the world for others. He understands his anger and lack of motivation frustrate the hell out of people.

Just to give you an idea as to what goes on or doesn't go on. He comes home from school today and asks me what toothbrush is his. What are you serious? I send you into the bathroom every morning and every evening and you have had the same toothbrush for about 5 months now and you have no idea which one is yours?

So I ask him if he has not been brushing his teeth and he admits he has not been. Then after I tell him what toothbrush is his - he goes and looks at it - and then goes to his room.

ALL WITHOUT BRUSHING HIS TEETH!

Then tonight I find he has sold a bike that does not belong to him. His typical response, "I am stupid" Okay well no one in this house tells him he is stupid. He has been told that choices he has made are not wise ones and sometimes stupid ones (not from me)but he has never been told he is stupid. As a matter of fact when he calls himself stupid he is corrected. Yet tonight - I wanted to agree with him. I wanted to say yes you are being stupid. Of course I did not though.

What in the heck goes on in that brain of his? I just don't get it.

Then he is yelling at me and arguing with me over what he did. So I send him to his room until he can talk to me with respect in his voice instead of the ton of disrespect he is using. Of course then it is my fault and so on.

As he is going he lets me know he has $60 to spend at Grandma's and he will just get the money from her. Ummmmm - great. So I call my mom to find out how much money he has (cause I am guessing he isn't going to be buying the bike back for what he sold it for). I find out he has $15 left out of his money. Great, probably not going to be enough money. Then she proceeds to tell me how the other parents are not good parents because how can you let a kid come home with two bikes and not explain them.

She is ALWAYS looking for ways to make the other people involved be the bad people. Not Kyle; nothing wrong with Kyle; nothing he did was wrong, etc. Of course she says well he can have the money but he has to be the one to call them and get the bike back.

Well no shit - I am not going to be the one who calls up this kid and says, "You need to sell the bike back to my son for what you bought it for." Duh!

This is my life. This is my daily life. I get frustrated so darn fast with his stupidity. I really do. I keep on wondering what line I was standing in when God handed out the patience's because I have zero when it comes to Kyle at this point. I try and try and try and yet each and every day he proves to me how many things he can do that are just lacking in the thinking department and I lose it - immediately.

God help me because at this point - his anger, destruction, lack of respect - are killing me.

Ghosts....

2007-10-29T17:17:00.000-04:00

Okay so it isn't that I believe in ghosts per say but I do believe in my past haunting me. The ghosts from the past creep up into my current relationship. Do I enjoy it - not at all - but it does happen.

This past weekend seemed to be one of those. I tried to just block it all out. I tried to just let it go because at times it is hard for me to tell the difference between what is going on and the true past haunting me.

I find that I write letters to Jack and but never them to him. I am trying to sort things out for me. I am trying to see what is actually going on vs what is from the past creeping into my life.

Well I wrote a letter yesterday. I ended up saving it at the same time I was saving a list of baby items needed. I swapped the titled and did not realize it. I was tired and my head hurt (that is what happens when you sit and cry I guess).

I ended up sending him the letter instead of the baby list. Today I felt mortified. I felt like an ass. I was upset he read it. I cried a lot today. It wasn't that it was a horrible letter but my mouth and feelings tend to be straight forward and the choosing of my words - when writing for myself - is not really done. I mean I am writing it for myself to sort through feelings - I am not doing it for other people to read; so I am not all so careful with what I write.

He wanted to talk about it and I could not do it. I wanted to try but I just could not do it. I tried a little bit but I was not successful. He thinks I am making ant hills into mole hills. To be fair he is probably correct. I tend to worry and over-think and project.

So how do I get away from doing that? How do I get away from doing any of this?

I do not want to let the ghosts from the past run my life anymore. I do not want to give those ghosts a chance at ruining my current relationships.

I do want to find new ways to cope with things. I do want to be able to talk to people in my life without fear of what they will think or say.

I do not want to change my past but I want to be able to move beyond it. I would not be who I am today if it was not for the past things in my life; good or bad...

Love

2007-10-26T08:12:00.000-04:00

When you think about love what do you think about?

When you think about marriage and family what do you think about?

These have been thoughts in my head over the past few days... I had a marriage and it failed for many reasons.

Every show I watch these days seem to have the same thoughts though; marriage, family, relationships.

Last night while flipping through channels I ran across an interview with Seal and his wife Heidi Klum. When asked how they keep their marriage alive the response Seal gave was, "Wife, family and then career". Those are the order of his priorities. He said he has watched to many people including his parents have the wrong relationships, putting the wrong things first and then when they get back to putting their spouse first - there is nothing there anymore. Heidi piped in with one of the favorite things Seal likes to say, "Happy wife, Happy life."

Another thing was they are always together as a family. They are a family. Their marriage/relationship comes first and then the family. Their children see that!

Is your spouse your best friend? Do you always remind yourself they are your best friend? Most people don't want to disappoint or upset their best friend. Yet most people take advantage of their spouses/family. If you always think of your spouse as your best friend you won't take advantage of them.

So how many of us put our spouses first in the relationship we have? How many of us make sure that husband or wife is first and foremost?

We are teaching our children what a marriage should be and if they see us putting them first - that is what they learn. If you are putting all of your effort into your children then how do they know what a normal healthy relationship should be like?

Of course the reality is that most couples put their children first and then the marriage suffers.

In my marriage my husband put our youngest son first. If we were having alone time and he knocked on the door - he was let in even when it wasn't an emergency. I tried to get Todd to understand we needed to come first and his priority was making sure Adam knew we were there for him; even if we suffered.

Where do you draw the boundary lines? How do you take a marriage that is on the wrong track and put it on the right track? What do you do when your ideas and your spouses ideas of how the relationship should be going isn't the same?

God - look to Him

Spouse - show them they are the first priority in their life

Family - do all you can with your children and spouse

Career - make sure this isn't what runs your life...

Talk About Feeling Low...

2007-10-22T19:57:00.000-04:00

My youngest son is still mad at me for breaking up the family. He is angry because we left and he is angry because now Todd is getting even sicker than he was before.

Todd is angry because I won't get involved and gun ho about Adam's dirt biking. He seriously expects me to get another vehicle and to run all over the state/country because this is Adam's dream.

I would love to support Adam's dream - I really would BUT he is not my only child. He is one of two right now; soon to be three. Our weekends can not revolve around what he wants to do. I have tried to talk to Adam about it but I think I am talking to a wall. He hears what Todd says and doesn't get it.

Todd is turning him into a narcissistic person. Someone who is delusional and fully focused on himself. I hate seeing him become this person.

He isn't involved with group sports anymore. I won't sign him up for them because in his mind - dirt biking comes first. Well I won't allow him to get involved with a group sport and then let him let the team down because his individual sport comes first. Not how it should be and I won't allow him to do it while he is living with me.

Maybe I am wrong but it just irks me. Then to top it off Adam has a hard enough time making friends and Todd is getting him involved with something that he is isolating himself even more.

ARG....

Still on bed rest. Still stressed over money. It will be okay - it will be okay. I just don't know when or how...

Another Quick Update....

2007-10-20T14:26:00.000-04:00

Blood levels are within range. Which is a good thing but I am still on bed rest. Will probably be there for a good couple of weeks or so then moved down to partial bed rest.

Getting irritated with how the house looks but have to admit Kyle since starting back on the meds have been a huge help to me. I am grateful he is at least willing to try taking them - now here is to hoping he will stay on them.

Jack has been helpful. He made dinner last night. He has come over and spent time with me so I am not going out of my mind so much. He even brought me a toothbrush since I left mine at the hospital.

Financially I am worried but I have to believe it will be okay. It frustrates me because I was doing just fine with working, paying all my bills, saving money and not getting any child support. Since being off work - I stress each and every month over how bills or anything is going to be paid. Now to top it off - I have to add what I am paying out each month because I have to be on a supplemental policy that has prescription coverage for my Medicare. I am trying to say it will all work out but I just don't know.

Oh at this point I have 2 of the 4 meds I need. Two of the most important ones right now. The one for my blood clot and the one for my gestational diabetes.

So there is the update I can give in the short time I am allotted out of bed! Still hoping to get the wireless connection up and going soon.

Way Quick Update...

2007-10-18T11:18:00.001-04:00

Last week I ended up in the hospital with another blood clot. As some of you knew Todd changed the insurance policy and I could not afford the medication I had to be on for the blood clot. I also (since having Medicare) could not get another prescription plan through anyone because of the fact that I did/do have a private insurance.

Life has been hell.

I actually left the hospital way before they wanted me to. Biggest concern is that because of the size of the blood clot and because I am not at home and because of the money issues - I could end up with a pulmonary embolism. Could not stay though because of Kyle and the lack of care I was finding for him.

I am beyond stressed at this point in time. I have no way to continue to pay for the things needed for this pregnancy because I can not work. I am in tears daily.

I have no idea how I am going to make it much longer. Depression has been bad again. I am just trying to take it a day at a time and let God have at my life but when things like this occur I have no idea what He is trying to show me. That I am not supposed to be here anymore or what?

In a real struggle...

Hard Decisions...

2007-10-10T13:21:00.000-04:00

Everyone in life has hard decisions to make. No one can judge how difficult something is for someone else; especially if they are not in their shoes.

I left what I considered to be an abusive relationship. Maybe others did not feel it was but I felt it was. It took me a long time to get up the courage to leave him.

In the time it took me to get the courage up to leave him; he became sick. His leg started to have issues and we dealt with many doctors and specialists. At the time I left I had no idea what he had. They had ruled out ALS (Lou-Gehrig's Disease) and were leaning towards MS. I though didn't really believe it; still felt it might be ALS.

I am not a doctor but in my gut - I had a feeling. Then earlier this year he was diagnosed with it. I had not even been gone a year.

It was not easy to walk out the door with feeling like something more than MS was going on with him. Yet I had to do it.

Now here I am going through a divorce and being made to feel guilty by him. He is alone and I abandoned him in his time of need.

We all have difficult decisions that have to be made. Some are more difficult than others but they are each persons difficulties.

What do you do with those guilty feelings though after all is said and done? Some days are harder than others but how do you make it through...

Trust....

2007-10-05T09:24:00.000-04:00

How do you not allow the past to affect your future? I have huge trust issues with people; mainly men.

Now when I look back over my past I get why I have a trust issue. Yet it completely affects my future....

"Either trust me fully or do not trust me at all"

This was said to me recently. I have been thinking it over. I want to trust this person. I long to trust this person. Yet I sit and find myself waiting for the other shoe to fall!

I am getting better - I think... Yet I still have this fear that follows me over certain things... I need to figure out how to move beyond that...

Been a Few....

2007-10-02T17:01:00.000-04:00

Have been struggling with a lot of things lately. Mainly the past. It just never seems to go away. I try to deal with it. I try to let it go and yet - I am with someone and they say something and it all comes back to me...

I have heard in the past few days things that just remind me of how needy I am. I had thought that it was just Todd who was impossible to please who wanted to be alone all the time who could not deal with me. I guess I was wrong.

I have heard things about finances that just make me wonder what I a getting myself into. Is it possible that I am dealing with someone just as selfish as before?

There really is so much more but I m trying to just block it out. It isn't easy to do and when things happen I find myself shutting down. Do I want to shut down - not really but I realize I have no clue how to communicate with anyone anymore.

After years of keeping it all in - I have no clue how to communicate effectively with anyone. Yeah I can have small conversations but when it comes to how things make me feel - I can't do it. I am to afraid of how it will make someone else feel or how they will respond or how they won't respond or what will be said. I am afraid to open my mouth for fear of confrontation.

Almost every conversation with Todd lead to confrontation. I felt as if I had to "defend" myself and I hate that feeling. I do not like to confront anyone over anything. Ever - and it does not seem to matter why or what it is about; even if it has nothing to do with another person and it is strictly about myself.

What happens when you think you know someone but find you don't know them at all?

Why Men Should Not Take Phone Messages...

2007-09-28T08:21:00.000-04:00

'Nuff Said....

Let Me Explain....

2007-09-26T18:44:00.000-04:00

As you watch my blog over the next few weeks (hoping it isn't weeks) and you see "odd" posts show up that make zero sense to you. Just know it is me moving my old blog to this one...

Actually I have a couple of old blogs but I can't log into them anymore. I don't want to lose all that information so instead of just not being able to find it in cyberspace anymore I have decided to copy/paste/edit/post my old blog(s) here.

So now and again I might forget to change the date back to the date I actually wrote it on. So for those of you who read my blog when it was active before some of it might sound familiar to you - cause it is...

I am not in therapy with Todd right now. We are not trying to work our marriage out anymore. We are still in the process of the divorce.

Cleaning

2007-09-25T13:12:00.000-04:00

I look around my living room today and think about how I really need to be cleaning it. Yet here I am on this computer - typing about how I need to clean it instead of actually cleaning it.

I get so tired of picking up after my children. I try and try to teach them to pick up after themselves.

Adam usually does pretty well. He forgets from time to time but if you ask him to stop what he is doing to take care of something - he normally does.

Kyle on the other hand could care less. He does not care if he picks up after himself because I truly think in the back of his mind he thinks that if he leaves it long enough - mom will eventually pick the stuff up. Which of course he is right about. I can only handle the mess for so long and then it is just gets to me and I have to take care of it.

It does not help anyone. It does not teach the boys to pick up after themselves. Yet I can't stand the mess.

When I lived with Todd I would let my house be trashed because it bothered him. I got sick of doing it all on my own. I got sick of him telling me I was not doing things well enough. So I would leave it. I realized no matter how hard I tried I was never going to be good enough for him so it was easier to look around - see an actually mess - and know it really was not good enough for him. I got to the point where I didn't care much about what it looked like because well - I wasn't good enough for Todd and never would be and since he was the one I was trying to make happy it didn't matter.

I don't want my boys to feel like they have to be good enough for someone but I want them to realize the importance of taking care of there things.

It is also a struggle because when Kyle gets mad - he destroys things. If he doesn't get his way - he destroys things.

Oh this is just a random; blabbering blog...

Week 27 Baby Update....

2007-09-25T12:01:00.000-04:00

Okay so over the past two days I have had two doctor appointments. I do truly enjoy my OB's. She just reminds me so much of my old doctor who moved away years ago now. She was my regular MD but I do miss her.

Alright - Isabella is doing well.

I went in and my blood pressure was really high I guess. I have protein in my urine (which is not normal but not abnormal either). By the end of the appointment my blood pressure was back to normal.

My cervix is still long and not changing any so that is a good thing. No more cervical ultrasounds - THANK YOU!

They are still not sure where the bleeding/spotting is coming from but it isn't the uterus itself so that is a good thing.

She is once again head down. So all those great irritations to the rib cage I know now are her feet. It is a good thing even though I could do without her in my ribs - I welcome knowing she is okay and doing alright with the movement.

My amniotic fluid is a bit higher than normal for this stage. Other than him saying it isn't that big of a deal right now and it just might mean induction earlier. As she grows I will just get bigger than I should be I guess. So from the sounds of it - it will be okay as long as no more fluid produces. Yet it was the explanation for why I am measuring 3 weeks further than what I should be.

The insurance issue is being worked out. Sheila called and talked to my caseworker and found out they didn't input I was pregnant. So at this point in time - I am covered and have insurance! Thankful for that.

Over the past 3 days I have been beyond stressed. Crying over everything and anything. On top of the normal pregnancy hormones this stress was really getting to me.

I feel as if this huge stress has been lifted off from me. Of course it does not take care of all the issues BUT it certainly helps!

Emotions at a High...

2007-09-24T20:33:00.001-04:00

The last few days have been emotional and trying for me. I am a bundle of tears. I can't stand when all I do is cry.

I thought today was going to be better since Sunday was a bit better. Turns out I was wrong.

Went to one of my many doctor appointments for the week (I have one appointment every day this week and two on some of the days). It was my OB check with my regular doctor. I had to tell her I wasn't sure if I was going to be coming back or not due to the insurance issue.

She had me talk to the office manager. The office manager was going to try and get the medicaid for me or at least find out what can be done. She had me call her after I got home to give her the case managers name and number. Not sure she would get anywhere but it is worth a try I guess...

They are both worried about me not having my prescription and not seeing the doctor due to the current risk. I agree but not much I can do about it right now.

I also got an email from Ken today. He decided he was going to file a motion for lack of payment from child support and rent. He has been trying to reach Melanie and she is not responding. He has called and sent emails to her and has heard nothing back from her. It has been a month and two days since our mediation hearing. Todd still has not gotten back to anyone about the life insurance or the retirement fund information.

I was ready to just give up and give in on Saturday. Sunday wasn't much better. Yet here I am today - still kicking.

I just keep so much in because I have no words for what goes on and then everything bad seems to pile on at once. Then I lose it.

I try to take things a day at a time. Actually most days I try and take things a moment at a time. Yet I seem to fail at even that.

I am not feeling like a very good parent right now. I actually am feeling like a failure right now. I can not do fun things with the kids; well at least what they feel is fun. I just struggle because I have nothing but time and love to give them.

Okay so what is wrong with that you ask? Nothing is wrong with that really but on week nights I don't have much time to give them. We work on school work, I make dinner, we eat dinner, I clean up and then it is time for the kids to get ready for bed. So the question really is - do I spend quality time with them or not?

It has just been a rough few days is all....

It Just Keeps on Getting Better....

2007-09-22T18:18:00.000-04:00

This is what came in the mail today:

A letter from DHS. I had applied for Medicaid because Todd let me know he wasn't paying insurance anymore. I was approved with a $405.00 monthly spend down.

A letter from DHS. The kids are approved but it is going to cost me $15.00 a month per child.

A letter from DHS. My food stamps are gone because after reviewing my income I make to much.

A letter from DHS. They have reviewed everything on my account and due to the income I am supposed to be getting between the disability and child support I qualify for zero help.

I am getting no more than I was 7 months ago. I am 27 weeks pregnant and without insurance. I don't have $405.00 a month to spend on doctor appointments and medication. The medication I take monthly costs $4000.00 roughly for the lovenox.

Here is what I get every month:

$998.00 in disability

Here is what I am supposed to also get:

$267.00 in child support
$544.00 in child support

Here is what I pay out each month:

$640.00 for rent
$33.00 for gas
$71.00 for electric
$96.00 for car insurance
$30.05 for phone
$50.00 for cell
$37.00 for cable/internet
$80.00 for therapy for Kyle

Here is what I don't pay out each month:

All my credit card payments
I am not going to have to pay for my scripts anymore

I don't have any answers anymore. I have been trying to get a job and I can't even get a job at McDonalds because of the weight limitations.

I have not even put everything on here. Cable/Internet, phone and some of Kyle's therapy is going to have to go. Well then again - if I am paying for MiChild for the boys - hopefully they will help with the therapy some.

I won't be going to the doctors anymore after this month is over. I am a high risk pregnancy and can no longer afford care.

Yup I deserve this child...

Life....

2007-09-19T20:29:00.000-04:00

Today was Kyle's IEP meeting. For the first time in about 7 years I feel as if we got somewhere! I have been trying and trying to get him more help. It has been hard, no one really "hears" what I am suggesting for him and it has been hard on him throughout the year because of it.

This year they came to me with the change. I was MORE than happy to agree to the changes they wanted to make! They added EI to the OHI and that adds more help to him. It isn't just a "learning" disability anymore. They have to help him when he struggles; they have to be more accommodating. It does not excuse things; it does not make excuses for him but it helps the teachers understand that there are more issues than just the ADD issue.

Thank goodness for him working with the same people over the past 3 years to finally be able to bring about this change for him!

Now I am feeling a bit better tonight. I won a cabbage patch kid on Ebay for my niece! I have bought my first Christmas present! I have figured approximately how much I will have for each month for presents and if I can get everyone their stuff prior to Isabella showing up then great!

I am not going to want to haul a newborn out to go Christmas shopping in December. Then having to come home and haul everything into the house. Then having to wrap it all still. YUCK!

I am more than happy to get it all done and over with PRIOR to her getting here! I have kind of decided that what I get done by the time she gets here is what is going to be done. Unless of course one of the boy's big presents is not purchased yet - then I will have to go and get that; or beg Jack to do it for me.

I am even going to get the books bought for the boys at this point in time. They get a new book or set of books each Christmas. I am still going to have some left over and so I am going to buy them out of this book order at school. So I will actually have 3 things purchased! Since they are not getting that much this year - having 3 things purchased by the end of September makes me feel 80% better than I did a few days ago.

Of course I am still stressed out about the whole Christmas situation this year but that is nothing I am not used to. It happens each year actually so you would think by this time I would be a pro at sucking at this part of the year!

Prayers:

2007-09-19T09:04:00.000-04:00

To All:
I write this email to you all with a bit of a heavy heart for the E* Family. Most of you have met Big Bob E*, Lindsey's Uncle but a couple of you have not. He has been the man behind the deer camps, Octoberfest,Winterfest, and Family Reunion for many years. Their family have such a great spirit about them always looking to put a smile to other's faces. I was informed this morning that Bob had finally gotten his test results back on his biopsy and they have not been very positive. They know he has cancer in his prostate, kidney, lungs and possible the brain. I writing this just to inform you that their family is in need of some extra prayer right now. I am not sure on the steps going forward but the doctors have said they will give him six months. God has worked greater miracles in his time, but if he chooses it is Bob's time to come to his Kingdom, the family with all his great grandchildren and kids will need your support and faith. I know he will be in my silent prayers from here on out so please put him in yours. Just wanted to let everyone know. Talk to you later.

Sincerely,
Tony

Are You Done Yet?

2007-09-19T08:32:00.000-04:00

Last night was interesting to say the least. I have always been a very sexual person. I enjoy being with the person I am with. If they know what they are doing; it is very enjoyable. If they take the time to get to know you; it is very enjoyable. If you take the time to do the same for you are you are; how can you go wrong?!

Well last night I went wrong. You would think it is not possible but I did...

I climbed into bed after Kyle and I had words and hit my head on the headboard; hard. I was in instant tears with an instant headache. Not how I had envisioned my night going since Jack was over.

He came into the room and laid down and asked me what was wrong and what went on with Kyle. I talked to him. He just sat there and held me and we talked.

Then he was getting ready to leave and I didn't want him to go just yet so I know how to keep him here; sex... Gosh I am such a manipulating person but at least he was going to get something from staying...

We get started with lots of foreplay like we normally do. Well that is not totally true - I was feeling sick and would not let him touch me - I tried but it was not gonna happen for me.

Then he asked if we could have sex because the touching was uncomfortable and I said we could try.

We did try and at about the 3 minute mark (if we got that far) I look at him and go, "Are you done yet?" and then I burst into laughter at myself. Said I am so sorry - and started to laugh again at myself. What a mood killer and everything killer!

I just have an overwhelming nausea feeling and well I could have come about asking in a much different way but didn't.

Talk about killing a guys ego! Talk about putting the foot in the mouth!

I don't know what in the heck I was thinking! Oh wait - I wasn't...

Have got to love the combination of pregnancy, emotions, and the pregnancy brain!

Holidays - Already?!

2007-09-17T19:23:00.000-04:00

It is only the middle of September and I am already getting stressed out over the holidays. Oh how I love them!

I struggle with the time from Halloween to the beginning of the New Year. I have always been a people pleaser. I want everyone to be happy; which ultimately leads to me being unhappy.

I want to get my shopping done prior to Isabella showing up. I was thinking I had more time - until I looked at a calendar today! I don't have as much time as I was thinking.

I think I would like to be a bear. They are hibernating by this time of year and don't have to deal with anything. I really think I would like to be a bear!

The most stressful things for me comes to this:

1. I have to talk with my family about what they would like to do for Christmas this year because I am not going to have Adam on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day this year. I would like to think they will be understanding but am sure I am going to hear nothing but negative crap (as is the custom from my parents).

2. I have to talk with Todd about what/when he would like Adam other than for Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. I am thinking though that because I won't talk to him about the house directly; he is going to put off talking to me.

3. I have to have my first Christmas ever without Adam.

4. I have to allow Isabella to go with Jack for a while. Not really that big of a deal but I am a protective mom and not knowing his family - oh this is just stress. It will be fine I am sure but - I am attempting to just not think about it now.

I can get through this year of holidays. I will once again be that people pleasing person while stressing myself out. I wish that wasn't who I am and I could change it but each time I do; it is blamed on my bipolar and well that is a totally different rant...

I have...

2007-09-16T22:14:00.000-04:00

I have been watching a friend of mine endure an abusive/controlling relationship and even though her husband was my friend prior to her being my friend - I am beginning to hate him. Strong word I know but I really am. I am nice to him because she is married to him but the crap he is doing - because of the crap I have dealt with - is making it so much harder to do.

I have been trying to allow my son to be the 14 year old he wants to be; to a certain extent. Yet he isn't following through with his end of things and so it makes it hard for me to allow him to do all the extra things. Then I am blamed for what is going on.

I have been falling deeper and deeper in love with Jack. What is wrong with this you ask? Nothing but my fears from my past come up and bite me and then I get insecure. What happens when I get insecure - I worry about all that might go wrong. My emotions go nutty and I struggle to enjoy what is actually taking place right now in the moment.

I have been worried about what being bipolar means. I know what it means. I know what it does to me. I know what I have gone through because of it. The questions that are there and that are creeping in and the worry that is around is because of Jack. I am a very emotional being. I can hold a job; part time but full time overwhelms me. I have done much better at the implusivity that goes with it because I know where that destruction leads to. Yet what if that old me; the one who isn't in control with meds (since I am not on any right now due to pregnancy); comes out and rears that ugly head?! Jack won't stick around for that crazy person - to be honest no one ever should have but most men did; yet I know deep down Jack won't. How do I explain this person to him just in case she does come around? How can I promise myself or him that she won't show up? I can't and that is my fear...

I have been sick since starting on the celexa. Wondering if it is worth the things I am going through and what might happen to Isabella while I take this. I can't get rid of the upset stomach and the headache. Yet the depression is so much that I know I need something. What do I do?! Just suffer and keep on going and hoping that the side effects stop soon...

I have been wondering about Christmas. Yup it is only September and it is already on my mind. Not that the boys need a ton of things but with the baby and all the things she needs; I just stress over money. I have a goal; already have a list made out and plan on getting one thing per boy per month from now until December. Of course that is not going to be the easiest thing to do but it can be done. I am hoping it can be done. I have it figured out in my head but will reality match my figures?

I have a friend whom I love dearly. I have been worried about the stress she is under. She means the world to me. We have spoken on the phone, she has sang a song to me and we speak via IM. We have never met in person but she is just amazing as a person. She kept me strong and going even when we were not in touch. There is just something about her that exudes love and life and energy. So to see her struggling makes me very sad. I love you girl! *hugs and kisses*

September 15, 2007

2007-09-15T09:13:00.000-04:00

Does anyone know what today is?

I would have been celebrating 7 years of marriage today.

Instead I look at my bank account and wonder how am I going to provide what the boys needs.
Instead I look around my apartment and wonder how I let myself end up here.
Instead I look at myself and think about how far behind on bills I am and wonder why it has to be this way.

Instead of celebrating this day - I will spend it trying to figure out how to fix what has gone so wrong over the past year and how to prevent ever ending up in a divorce again...

Emotions...

2007-09-15T09:03:00.000-04:00

Yesterday was such an up and down day.

The night before I actually slept good all night long. I got up to go the bathroom a few times but was able to fall right back to sleep. Then yesterday during the day I laid down because my head was hurting and I slept for a little bit longer. It was nice.

Of course though once I was up - everything seemed to go wrong...

Getting emails from Todd about Adam's racing revealed a new venture. Of course I figured it was in his parents name and I was correct to assume that. After some digging I saw the new web site (hosted by PowerWare; Admin is Todd) was owned by a company that is a LLC that is managed/run by Jean (Todd's mom).

I just sat and cried. I know most of you probably have no clue why I would cry over them starting a new company and if you really don't know and want to - let me know and I will explain.

Then I started to get emails from Kyle's teachers. We are on day 9 of school and we already have incomplete projects and things of that nature. All this week and last week I gave Kyle the benefit of the doubt. I believed in him. He was going to school early. Then to get those emails - just crushed me.

I knew I was going to have to give out consequences for the lies and the other things and I also knew what that meant I would be getting for a reaction and where it would lead to.

I just sat and cried some more.

We (my whole family) has been reaching out trying to get Kyle to care and be motivated and whatever else needs to happen and instead he just regresses further and further back. He just does not care, does not get it, does not think about it, it just does not matter to him...

I am watching my son go down the path I went down at his age; only worse. I could see him in prison or dead before he is 19 years old.

How sad is that to even admit to?!

Quick Update...

2007-09-13T17:35:00.000-04:00

Not much going on today. Woke up and I felt the need to get clothing for Isabella. So I went to a garage sale that I knew was going on. Got a boxful of clothing for $10.00 and even though some of them have stains - I feel 100000 times better!

Adam is already struggling with his spelling. That is really one of his downfalls - as it was Kyle's as well at this age.

Kyle is already struggling with getting the homework home. That always is a downfall. I wish he would just have motivation to do this stuff. It is so frustrating.

Working on making dinner right now and wishing the night was over already. I am just exhausted right now.

No More Hiding...

2007-09-12T19:26:00.001-04:00

To even be writing this is just going to kill me but we are desperate for prayers...

I am trying to be level headed and deal with issues as they come but each and every day seems to be a bigger and bigger struggle with life.

My oldest for starters hates school. Last year he went and lived with my brother and sister-in-law for the last 2.5 months of school. It was hard but I could no longer deal with him.

He hates me and I don't blame him. I was horrible to him while we lived with the soon-to-be-ex husband. I let the STBX to what he wanted; grounding and overall making his life horrible. I personally could not deal with the consequences from the STBX so I figured out how to go numb to my oldest son. Great mom I know...

Now here we are in another school year. He has been back home with me since mid-June and you know as long as I let him do what he pleases - I am the greatest mom ever but he minute I correct him or give him consequences - every thing changes. We are on day 7 and there are already battles over homework and things of this nature. I most days would rather curl up in a ball and just die than deal with him. I get so stressed that my health is horrible. There are no answers anymore. My brother and sister-in-law as a joint can't even deal with him. In 3 months he was ruining their marriage, their jobs and their sleep.

Well now here is the biggest thing. Over the past few weeks - other issues have come out. I mean let me rephrase that - everyone in my family has known - but no one felt it was important for me to know apparently.

My DS has been sexually abused; which we knew but he won't give details and nothing can be done about it because of his age unless he gives details.

Now though it is coming about that he has done some things sexually to others who are younger than him.

No one felt it was necessary to bring to up to him, to talk to him, etc. I two weeks ago sat him down and talked with him about how he needs help because of what he is and has done. He lashed out, wouldn't talk, was horrible mean, and then finally calmed down enough to listen.
We met with his therapist today and he admits he has done things but won't admit what he has done.

We have tried to get him into schools for kids who are in need of constant care and those who have income based programs won't help him and I can't afford the places that will accept him.
Without someone pressing charges he does not qualify for the programs he needs to be able to participate in.

I am right now - at a loss. I am beyond broken. It has been over a year since I left my STBX and there is not a week that has gone by that some kind of hit hasn't happened...

Control Sucks....

2007-09-12T12:11:00.000-04:00

Why do I let things bug me? I am sick to my stomach again.

I was starving this morning and now I am sick because I ate and have been dealing with emails from Todd again about the sale of the house.

I just want to cry again. I just want to curl up again.

I do not know how to deal with any of this anymore. I just don't. I repeat myself over and over and over.

What does he do - comes back with if you are not willing to work with me then we are not moving forward so stop being difficult.

Why is it that "I" am being difficult. I told him Judy (the realtor) has all the information from me.

Before anyone tells me to just give him the information the problem is the minute I respond to his email it is going to be an indication that I have agreed to pay his parents back and I have not and am not going to agree to that.

So at this point - I am waiting to hear back from my lawyer on what to do from here because I am in tears about it again....

September 11, 2007

2007-09-11T18:59:00.000-04:00

Six years ago my life was much different. Six years ago many people's lives were different. Six years ago though - for the first time I can remember we came together as a nation while we were under attack.

Please take time today to say a prayer for those who lost their lives that day. Please take time today to say a prayer for those who have lost their lives since. Please take time today to say a prayer for the families who lost loved ones that day and since that time.

Patience at Low...

2007-09-10T18:23:00.001-04:00

My oldest has a huge attitude problem with anyone who tries to show authority towards him. He blames me for his attitude when he is around me and then whomever he is with - it is their fault.

At 14 you would think he would have some concept of taking responsibility for how you react towards people but he does not.

I know he has emotional issues but I am beyond tired of dealing with it. It is no longer a daily battle - except during the school year.

There are also some issues - like he is being charged with some things from last year during the school year. They have finally gotten around to that. Do not know what it will mean for him but considering it is not the first offense - I am going to guess it will be a bit more server than even he thinks it will be.

Then there is the now current issue. He is going to have to speak to his therapist on Wednesday about it and I am calling the school to discuss two other people who I am aware of that something probably happened.

Oh and these two other children think I am the meanest mom in the world. Of course that is what the 3 of the talk about during school. How mean I was when living with Todd and Kyle's anger just increases ten fold. I can tell when he has time with these two people because of his attitude when he comes in the door after school. To be honest - I would rather have Kyle in a different school just so he isn't around these two boys!

I have said sorry to Kyle many times about how he was treated while we lived with Todd and yet he always brings it up. I wish I could take that time back but I can't. All I can do is be a different mom now and a different person. It is all I have. I am doing my best but you know there are days where I just can't deal with his attitude.

I wish it was just against me but it isn't. It is against any authority figure...

Feeling Somewhat Caught Up.....

2007-09-10T13:34:00.000-04:00

So this month because I don't have the insurance payment to make - I am going to be able to get my bills caught up.

Of course this does not include my credit card bills or my lawyer but my normal every day bills will be caught up.

I can not wait until the divorce is final and I am able to remove Todd from my car insurance bill. Because he is won't remove himself and because I can't remove himself I pay about $25 more a month due to his unpaid medical bills.

That $25 could really be put to use for other things! Like this year when rent goes up by $20.

Oh well - just a day at a time... Most of the time these days it is a moment at a time!

New Day - New Dawning

2007-09-09T10:17:00.000-04:00

Last night something dawned on me. I live in fear of men and confrontation.

The thought of having to confront Todd over anything (maybe confront isn't a good word to use) gives me panic attacks and other physical issues.

The thing is - right now - what can he do to me? Withhold child support; oh he is already doing that. Not pay the rent is he supposed to be paying; oh wait being done. Make this divorce drag out until he gets what he feels he is entitled to; going through that. Not give me my things from the house; says he will but never does so that is being done as well.

What else can he do to me?

Yet those feelings and those physical issues still come about when I have to deal with him.

I also find I am not totally honest with Jack. I am not lying to him but I don't come out and say what I am feeling 100% or what thoughts I am thinking because of the fear of his reaction or what he can do to me.

Mind you Jack has never done anything to make me feel those things but it is the fear that has been there. It isn't as bad but it really hit me last night that those feelings are there when I deal with anyone.

Someone gets upset with me and I start to have a panic attack. Someone wants to talk to me and I don't know about what and I get a panic attack.

Funny thing is - Todd isn't the first person this started with - it was my parents and it seems I find all these people who know how to react just the right way to keep this fear going inside of me.

How do I break this fear - this pattern? It isn't healthy and it does not but hinder relationships in my life that it should not...

So what do I do?

Whose Right Is It?

2007-09-08T08:48:00.000-04:00

A friend of mine whose husband was similar to mine in many ways posted something the other day that got me thinking...

Do you know how nice it is to be able to go to the store and buy some ice cream - any flavor - any brand - and not be in trouble when you get home? Do you know how nice it is to be able to go to the store and buy any brand of anything - and not be in trouble when you get home?

When living with Todd there were certain brands of things I had to buy. Mind you I was responsible for praying for the groceries. Of course off brands were not allowed; actually for the most part it was always the most expensive brand I had to buy.

How is it possible that I was the one who was spending my money on groceries and he was the one telling me what I could or could not spend it on? Yet it continued through our whole relationship.

That is how all the money issues were. Anything I was responsible for - he made sure I paid for but it had to be what he wanted.

It is nice not to feel as if I am under that thumb anymore.

Clarity...

2007-09-07T10:50:00.000-04:00

So some things have become clear.

1. Not everyone sees the problem with what Todd is asking. Don't get me wrong - it would be great to have some extra income each month BUT what he is asking is unrealistic. $1700 a month is insane. There are 6 bedroom homes on a lake in our town that are only asking for $1250 a month! There is a home on the same street this house is on that is asking $1100 a month and that includes snow removal and lawn maintenance in the summer time. The home on that road also has 1 more bedroom and is brand new on the inside and outside over the past 2 years.

2. He deals with me in a very passive aggressive manor and he does not get to control my life anymore. I do not have to answer to him. I have told him flat out whom I was dealing with and whom he needed to give his figures to. He is not going to be the one to say what we do anymore - the home needs to be sold and it needs to be on both of our terms - not his and his parents terms.

3. I shared this with a bunch of women on another website. They helped me to see how insane all of this is. He is very controlling. He isn't in this reality. He is kind of delusional about a lot of things and that is okay - it is his life and his mental state - not mine.

4. I am actually happy. Okay so depression sucks and I have been very depressed. Yet in the long run - I am not having to answer to Todd. I don't have to tell him where my money goes. I don't have to tell him where I am going. I don't have to talk to him about anything other than Adam. I don't have to tell him whom I am hanging out with. I don't need his permission to stay up. I don't need his permission before buying certain foods. I don't need his permission for ANYTHING! That makes me much happier even with this looming depression than I have been in 10 years!

5. I might be bipolar but I am normal! I have my ups and downs but I am normal. I am a normal bipolar person...

There is so much more I could write but for now - this is it...

Just a vent...

2007-09-06T19:56:00.001-04:00

I am tired of this divorce and the control he holds over what goes on. I am really tired of it... He has said he would not discuss anything until the visitation was settled and so we go to mediation and I thought it was settled but he still wasn't satisfied. Now he is holding over my head all this crap with the house. I am just tired of it... Below are the emails and insanity that has been going on. Maybe if I put it out there for me to read - it will make more sense...

Email 1 from Todd the day after he put my bank account negative and blamed me for having my credit card attached to MY BlockBuster account:

Amy,

Since we are communicating rather effectively right now,
perhaps I should take the opportunity to talk about the house. After
talking with the real estate agent, it appears that this is a really bad time to
sell. If you are open to the idea, I would like to talk about the
possibility of renting the place out and using it to generate some additional
income instead of potentially taking a loss on the sale at this point in
time.

I figure the additional income could help you out, and help
me to cover more of the child support, thus helping you out as
well.

$1109/mo currently pays for the mortgage payment and all
taxes. I figure if we could rent it out for $1700/mo, that would leave us
with $591/mo. in income from the house. If we’re going to rent it out, we
should plan to put about $5-8k away for potential repairs, fixing the place up
between renters, and covering the mortgage between
renters.

Assuming that we got renters in on a one-month lease with
first month + last month + security deposit, we could slowly put away 5k over a
12mo period and that would still leave us with $174.33 per month in
income. Once we have 5-8k put away, we could start taking the full $591/mo
in income and only cut that back when we have expenses that dip into the
savings.

Additionally, the mortgage would be getting paid and we
would continue to build equity in the house until the housing market improves
and it becomes a good time to sell. Right now, the mortgage is as good as
it is ever going to get (5%-15yr fixed) and if the rates ever drop below 5%, we
could always refinance.

Additionally, if it turns out that the
renting thing works well, we can choose to put some of that extra income into
the house payment to get the equity paid off earlier. For
example...

$100 extra per month = 9.2 yrs. (Adam will be out
of school)
$200 extra per month = 8.1 yrs.
$300 extra per month = 7.2
yrs.
$400 extra per month = 6.5 yrs.
$500 extra per month = 5.9 yrs.
(Kyle will be out of school)

Once the mortgage is paid off, that
will leave approximately $15k/yr. in income after taxes, providing that we never
raised the rent. That would sure go a long way towards helping the kids
out with college (if they decide they want to go), or if the housing market
improves, we can simply sell it off.

Anyway... That’s looking
a long way ahead. I just wanted to get you thinking about the long term
more than the short term. I know that you just want to get everything done
and over with, but I don’t think that right now is the right time to sell the
house. Perhaps it is in both of our best interest to hold on to the house
for a while, rent it out, and see if the housing market
improves.

If it turns out that we aren’t able to rent it out for
enough money to break even, then we can choose to sell it anyway. I just
wanted to present this idea in case you would be willing to do something like
this.

We can always split the assets up at this time by forming a
rental company, putting the house in the name of the company, and giving each of
us their appropriate percentage ownership in the company. That would
finalize things, leave us in a position were we wouldn’t be taking a loss.
Hopefully we would be able to work that out in such a way that we could keep the
current mortgage and wouldn’t be required to refinance at a higher
rate.

What do you think about these
ideas?

-Todd

Email 2 is my reply:

Todd,

Thank you for taking the time to compose this message but I
am not interested in the house being a rental property for a number of
reasons.

If you are not interested in selling at this time you can
buy me out of my 1/2 of whatever the lowest amount you were willing to accept
for a sale price and then you can move forward with it being a rental property
for yourself.

If you are not interested in buying me out of my 1/2
then the only other option is to sell it.

Thank you,
Amy

Email 3 is his reply to me:

Amy,

That’s fine. I just wanted to present that as an
option. I figured it would be better to be making money off the house in
the long run instead of selling it cheap today. Selling it today, you and
I will take somewhere near 17k out of the deal after everything has been split
up. If we waited and paid the entire house off and rented it out, we could
be making 15k PER YEAR instead of a 17k one time profit. It just seemed
like a smarter choice to hold on to it

However, I will be glad to
get everything off my plate and behind me sooner than later, so if you want to
simply sell the house, that is fine with me.

I have no interest in
“buying you out”, so we’ll put the house on the market and get it sold.
After talking with the real estate agent, I doubt that we will be able to get
much more than $140k out of the house (if that). In that case, here is how
things would all work out:

140,000.00 (Sale
Price)
-84,196.39 (Loan amount at time divorce was
filed)
==============
55,803.61 (Remaining
Equity)
-21,700.00 (Repay my
parents)
==============

34,103.61

/2 (Split between you and I)
==============

17,051.81 (Your/My Individual Equity)

Obviously the amount that you
and I would get back from the deal would vary depending on what the actual sale
price of the house ends up as. Below is a list of the various selling
prices and what our individual equity would be at that
price:

180,000
33,951.81
175,000
31,839.31
170,000
29,726.81
165,000
27,614.31
160,000
25,501.81
155,000
23,389.31
150,000
21,276.81
145,000
19,164.31
140,000
17,051.81
135,000
14,939.31
130,000
12,826.81
125,000
10,401.81
120,000 7,901.81

You’ll need
to decide what the minimum amount you are willing to be left with and figure out
what the corresponding minimum sale price is that you will
accept.

These amounts DO NOT take into account any of the fees
involved with selling the house. Obviously we can take those costs out of
the equity in the house, but I would expect those costs to come out of the
equity prior to us splitting what was left, so we both take on the burden of any
of those costs.

Anyway... Let me know what the minimum sale
price you will accept is.

Tanks.

Email 4 is Todd sending an email to the realtor we are working with and he attached all of those emails that are listed above:

Judy,

Here was my discussion with Amy. As you can see, the
ball is in her court. She needs to determine what the minimum she can live
with is. I’ll let you know as soon as I get a response from her.

Email 5 is Judy's reply to both of us:

Hi Amy and Todd,

Well...I have to say that the 180,000 does look
better! It would look even better if we could sell it for 200,000.
That is not reality. What we have to work with here are the facts of what the
"market" dictates, not either of you or me...but the market. If it was up
to us...well...I know the price would be higher. Just keep that in
mind. Let me know if there are any questions you need
answered.

Judy

Email 6 is an email I sent to Judy and Ken:

Judy,

I am not CCing Todd in this email.

When we
talked I told you flat out whatever you felt the highest we could go - was what
I was willing to list it as. I will just take what advice you have to give
and go from there.

He is not taking into account - realtor fees,
fix up cost and closing costs. So since he seems to think I am responsible
for paying back his parents (which was a gift/loan prior to marriage) my guess
is we are going to get zero in the end from the sale of this home.

I am letting you know that whatever you feel the highest we could
sell it for without making repairs vs. making repairs. If you could please
make that recommendation to both of us - I will then go from there with "making
my decision" since the "ball is in my court".

Sincerely,
Amy L.
Powers

Email 7 is the response from Judy to me:

Good Morning Amy,
I am so sorry that this can be so frustrating. I
standby by $149,000 with some cosmetic fixes. What I will do when I get to the
office this morning is shoot to you a sellers net sheet so that you can see the
costs involved with selling. I hope this will help you. Please take care
of yourself and the little one you carry. Big deep breathe...

Email 8 is a reply from me to Judy and Ken:

Sounds good Judy...

There is no decision to be made. We
need to sell the house and not have it listed for years because of an price that
was dictated by greed.

I am standing by what I said - your suggests
are what I will go with. So $149k it is.

I would still love
to see a list of what the costs would be though when you get around to
it.

Thanks!
Amy

Email 9 is an email from Todd to Judy and myself regarding her email to both of us:

Hi Judy,

Thank you for your feedback.

Obviously our
intention is to price the house at the best level possible to get the best price
and still sell it. I am not interested in selling it cheap just to get it
off the market quickly. Conversely, I don’t want to price it at a level
that is going to keep the house on the market for a year either.

I
also understand that Rockford, MI is one of the few places in the state that is
actually still expanding. So, while the market might not be that great
everywhere else, I still think that we could certainly get a fair price and
shouldn’t have to “settle”.

At this time, I am still waiting on a
reply from Amy as to what the minimum price is that she will accept. As
soon as she makes that decision, we can move forward.

I’ll let you
know as soon as I hear anything.

Thanks.

Email 10 is from me to Todd, Judy and Ken:

Todd,

I have been conversing with Judy on what to list it
at. I will be working with her. We obviously need to agree but at
this point in time I would rather that we both just let her know what we are
willing to list the house at and we can go from there.

The market
is what it is and there is no way to get more out of people for a house that has
not been maintained. The economics of Michigan are not the best and we are
going to be luck if we get what we paid for the house without it sitting on the
market for a long period of time.

The ball is not only in my court
so please realize this. Let Judy know what you are willing to sell it for
and we will go from there.

Sincerely,
Amy L. Powers

Email 11 is from Todd to me:

Amy,

I’m waiting on a reply from you. As soon as you give me
an answer, I will continue.

Thank you.

Email 12 is from me to Todd, Judy and Ken:

Todd,

As I stated in the earlier email - Judy already has the
information from me - she is awaiting on the information from
you.

That is how we will move forward.
Amy

Life and Death...

2007-09-06T14:56:00.000-04:00

Last week my girlfriend lost her mom. She was a very young woman. She was beautiful. She was my friends best friend.

I do not have that relationship with my mom. A lot of girls/women have a great relationship with their mom. Share the ups and downs of life. Shop together or ask each others opinions. I never had that with my mom.

I am pregnant right now with a little girl. I think about the relationships I know when it comes to mother/daughter and I want mine to be one like I didn't have.

I know I did add to what was not but the funny thing is my sister doesn't have it with my mom either. So was it all my sister and me who caused the lack of relationship or did it have to do with my mom as well?

I am going to strive to have a good relationship with my daughter. I know I can be a good mom.

I Swear He Thinks I am Dumb

2007-09-05T18:55:00.000-04:00

Every email lately from Todd - he attempts to treat me like a 2 year old or tries to make me feel dumb or as if I am ignorant and can't figure things out on my own.

I am none of the above.

There are days when I really feel like those things because of all I hear in my head BUT I know I am not any one of those things.

I am working on feeling intelligent. I am working on realizing I am a beautiful person. I am working on having self-confidence. I am working on being the person He made me to be.

I am not perfect - I am not close.

I have been very depressed lately. I am still down. It does not feel as heavy today as it has in the past bit of time but it is still there looming. I did call my PDoc yesterday and they called in an antidepressant for me. I have not started it yet but will here this week.

I am not at the lowest I have ever been in my life but I am pretty low. The biggest difference at this point in my life is I do have someone who loves me and cares and wants me well. I am not with someone who just tells me to deal with it or to snap out of it. The person I am with actually cares about me.

The feeling that depression leaves on the soul is so hard to explain. Everyone has different lows when it comes to their breaking point. I have pushed the feeling aside and just kept on telling myself I would snap out of it. I would push through. I would be okay.

I guess I took the first step yesterday by saying - I need help...

Just Thoughts...

2007-09-04T08:28:00.000-04:00

I guess I need to learn how to blow stuff off but some of the things people say really gets to me.

Like Todd making the statement, "When I get paid you get paid." - in regards to child support.

Adam is not a job in that aspect. His needs are there and if I was in the house - he would have to help pay. Well to be honest that isn't true - he never helped with the kids things. It was all me. So in a way I guess that does not surprise me so much but yet it still does. How does he think I am paying for the things for his son?

A friend (bless her) gave me money to help buy school supplies and I went out and sold my last piece of jewelery to get the rest of them.

He went out and was late returning some movies and my bank account went negative and he blames me for it.

I guess I am just stumped lately for what I need to be doing... I have given in on all he wants for visitation plus some. He is still fighting over everything else and yet I am still getting zero financial help from him for Adam.

What else can I do? Just give up and say oh well - he pays me when he gets paid...

Depression

2007-09-02T23:18:00.000-04:00

How do you explain depression to someone who doesn't deal with it?

I have it but I have gotten good at wearing masks to hide it. Lately - like for the last 7 months or so it has been bad for me.

Of course I have my days where no one knows and then I have my bad days where it just isn't hideable. Those are the days I dislike the most because it is hard for me to explain - it is always there - I just hide it well.

I really wish I had some mania in me right now but I just don't. Life is draining the life out of me. I do nothing but think and sink.

So how do you explain depression?

When others are around - I can laugh, I can smile, I can talk, I can function.
When others are not around - I don't have to laugh, I don't have to smile, I don't have to talk, I don't have to function.

Todd didn't like my depression and he made that very clear. I needed to snap out of it. I needed to just move on. I needed to function. Well who doesn't need those things? So I learned how to get out of bed to do the clothes and to clean the kitchen and to make meals and to take care of the boys. Yet when no one else is around - I can just be - I can be that person who thinks and sinks.

Before leaving Todd there was a three month period he knew nothing was wrong. When I finally could not keep it all in anymore all I got was, "I thought we were doing just fine". As if my meltdown and crying and emotions was a reflection upon "us" instead of what my life was daily. He had no comprehension and maybe that was my fault. I felt worse when he knew what was really going on with me - so I learned to hide it. Yet he didn't want to know.

Right now I get out of bed every day to start my day. Yet for the most part - I end up right back in bed. I do two or three small things and I have no energy for anything else. Not a day goes by where I don't cry. Not a day goes by where I don't stress over what is going on in my life.

For the longest time I just kept on telling myself it was environmental - circumstances and now I know it has to be a part of the bipolar.

I know I really should be on a med for it but financially it comes down to - I have money right now for one med and that med had to be for my blood clot. So I just try and live with it.

Letter to Lawyer...

2007-08-31T09:21:00.001-04:00

This is the letter I sent to my lawyer yesterday... The whole conversation between Todd and I is not in this letter but it gives an idea to what I am dealing with...

Ken,

Not sure if this is something that
will be resolved or not but Todd continued to use my blockbuster card. Attached to the card is my debit card so that I could rent video games for the boys. Todd did not return a couple of movies and they charged my card and
that incurred an overdraft fee ($32.00) as well as the $15.98 charge as well.

I called to ask him if he was still using the card and he
said yes he was and he was sorry - he would make sure they put the charge back on my card and he would pay in cash to get it taken care of. I asked about the overdraft fee and his response was (not verbatim) it isn't my fault you put your debit card on that account and I am not paying the $32.00. You are responsible for whatever fees are incurred on your card - not me. Tack it on the the bill I owe you. You should not let your account run that low anyway - it isn't my problem. Maybe you can take care of it the next time I pay child support.

My bank account is negative. He is not planning on paying anything Ken. I have gotten 3 child support checks. I have gotten zero in rent payments. I doubt I will see anything from the house because of the money he plans on paying his parents for the loan (which they will give back to him).

Just wanted to make you aware of where things stand.
Amy

One of my favorite things that I didn't put in the letter was, "You'll get paid when I get paid and since I am not getting paid neither are you." What in the heck - I mean Adam isn't a job - he is a child and he needs things! Asshole...

Just Life...

2007-08-29T08:30:00.000-04:00

Well it is official for the next year I am going to be staying here. It really does make me sad. I don't want to be doing this alone. I know he keeps on saying I won't be doing this alone but I will be or at least feel like I am right now.

Between the lack of sleep with Kyle and his homework and then Adam's school work and then adding Isabella to that. Wow - I get tired even thinking about it.

Why do I have such a hard time crying in front of others? I wanted to cry so badly last night and I did when I sat in the bathroom - alone - but I could not cry while laying there with Jack. I had tears that came and went but I could not cry. Actually I have a pretty good idea why I can't cry or don't allow myself to cry. Maybe someday I will work through this but until I feel completely safe and trust anyone I can't.

When I used to cry 9 out of 10 times Todd would tell me to knock it off or to leave the room for whatever reason. So I have gotten good at not crying when I feel like it. I can cry with someone on the phone no problem - because they are not right there. Maybe I have trained myself to only cry in the bathroom since that is where I went most of the time to cry - lol.

Yesterday was a bittersweet day. I sold my last piece of jewelery so I can get the kids some of the things they need for school. Knowing for the last year I have done it on my own; even if it has been with selling things - is kind of nice. Yet yesterday I sold my last piece of jewelery and child support is just not forthcoming.

I have been looking for a part time job I can do while the boys are in school. Of course school hasn't started yet but I haven't been offered a job yet either. Then though I have to worry about daycare for Isabella after she is born, the phone calls from the school for Kyle, having to be at school for Kyle, giving up helping at Adam's school and the list goes on.

In the end though it comes down to the fact that I need the extra $860 a month. I was making it just fine until I was not working at my job and it has been 6 months now. I just need to get a job and then pray everything else works out - because it has to work out.

The summer is coming to an end and I have done nothing special with the boys. We have done the park - many times but all the things they ask about doing - we just have not done. I guess it is better that they know they are not doing these things though. Todd was famous for promising things and then taking it away the day of us going or forgetting he said we would go and then making other plans with friends or something like that.

We have been gone a little over a year now and here we are stuck. Still in an apartment. The kids without a pet (it just bothers me). Me without a job. I am pregnant. Still have no clue how to deal with Kyle and the information just keeps on piling on. Financial worries up the wazoo and they are going to get worse once the divorce is final.

I am grateful I got the courage to leave - it was 3 years coming before I actually walked out the door but I did leave. The best thing for me is I never went looking for someone to rescue me. Not that any man has ever rescued me but they have all promised to take care of me and I have let them and then the price is so steep.

So for me knowing that right now even with life not being the best it makes me feel somewhat better. I actually love someone and it is a healthy feeling; just wish he could be here more...

Such is life...

Just Wanted To Share....

2007-08-28T07:42:00.000-04:00

My girlfriend was pregnant with #4 and wasn't due until September 15th. She started having contractions though a few weeks ago. Of course her doctor said she had to get to week 36 before she would let her go and not stop it.

Yesterday while driving home from her mom's house - she was rear ended and went to the ER for her oldest because her head was hurting and her neck had snapped (the seat belt didn't lock).

Of course while there she started contracting even more and her back really started to bug her. So as they sent her up to L&D - I gathered up my youngest and headed to the hospital to pick up her 3 children.

Rebecca Grace was born at 6:30 this morning! 7 pounds 6 ounces - Mom and baby are doing well!

Going to take her children up after lunch to meet their new sister! I am excited as well...

368 Days

2007-08-27T10:50:00.000-04:00

I have been away from Todd and that life for 368 days. So why is it that it seems like things only keep on getting worse?

Still - he has only made 3 child support payments. Kyle's dad is not consistent with that either (and now he is moving out of the country). Todd didn't even have to start paying child support until February so he got away with paying nothing from August to February and he still isn't paying.

I have lost a few jobs since leaving him due to issues with Kyle because it is just me. It is only me getting the phone calls and having to deal with what he is doing or not doing and me having to go up to the school and me taking him to his appointments and it is only me.

If I could get and keep a job - we would be fine - but I seem to be failing at that skill right now.

I have $1.83 in my bank account right now. I have to get the kids their school supplies. I have to put gas in my car (on empty righ now). I have to get food for the house. I have to finish paying the bills for this month. All on a dollar.

These are the days where I want to just give up, give in, and call it quits.

Kyle needs to start therapy again due to current issues - even if the therapist feels he is getting nothing from it. I now have to figure out where I am going to come up with another $80 to $100 a month for it. Plus on top of that - once the divorce is final - I have to come up with money to pay for MiChild for Kyle and a supplemental insurance for myself - so that is going to run me about another $100 a month.

I am overwhelmed...

How Many Prayers Can One Ask For?!

2007-08-25T08:23:00.000-04:00

The hits just keep on coming. I can't really get into a ton of details right now. I just need to ask for prayers for me and my oldest son (mainly).

Please pray that what is needed for help to be received comes easily.
Please pray that I am able to get a job while dealing with current issues (which is a full plus time job).
Please pray that my family has finally been forth coming with everything and there are no more surprises waiting for me behind another curtain.
Please pray that my family starts to see me as his mom and not someone who does not care or doesn't need to know.
Please pray that my heart and soul and mind can take whatever else is to come.
Please pray that the other family involved sees the severity of the issue and decides something needs to be done.

I am feeling broken more and more every day. Every time I turn around something else is happening and I just wonder how I am going to make it through another issue.

I question everything about myself right now. I wonder if it is my fault because in my gut this has been a worry for about 6 years now. I have no idea how I am going to keep going at this rate. It has been 366 days of one thing after another and I need a break and I need money and I need a way to get help.

Thank you in advance for your prayers...